Can someone please tell me why some men can have empathy for everyone EXCEPT their spouses?<P>My stepdad now knows how bad his cancer is, as does my mom. The pulmonary guys gave him the sort of straight story that I got from his endocrinologist last month. Mom called me at work yesterday, distraught. She called the endo., and while he's a wonderfully nice guy, he's part of the "cancer establishment", and told her "there are many things we can try." This means chemotherapy -- tossing a lot of toxic drugs at him in the hope that something will slow this thing down.<P>So now we're in the middle of this: Should they move back to this area now, or wait till he's gone? What about their dogs? How best to be helpful and do what I need to do without destroying myself in the process? How to juggle family responsibility with H?<P>H means well, gives lip service to "Just let me know what I can do to help," but when I want to talk about logistics, like whether a particular community would be good for my mother, he makes it clear he doesn't want to talk about it.<P>Can I rely on him to be there for me, or will his own flashbacks about his mother's death drive him back to leaning on Dragon Lady?<P>I can't worry about that. <P>Let's get back to my original question.<P>H loves this little cat of ours as much as I do. He also knows that stepdad has been as much a father to me as my father has; sometimes more so, particularly emotionally. We are not "close" in that we spend a lot of time together, but we are "close." When H talks about both these pending losses, he gets very philosophical: "If you live to be 75, you've got nothing to complain about." "It's not as if he's your father." "You're not that close to him." "Death is part of life." And regarding the cat: "He is 14 after all. A lot of people don't have their cats even this long." Now, this is true, but this sentence is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS followed by "[Dragon Lady]'s cat only lived to be 13."<P>Now, I remember when Dragon Lady's cat died. She was 13 and had cancer. Very sweet kitty, it was very sad. But the way he carried on, you'd think an entire animal shelter full of kittens had burned to the ground. He'd lie in bed with tears in his eyes. He'd sigh, and I'd ask him what's wrong, and he'd say, "I was just thinking about [Dragon Lady's cat's name]."<P>Of course, with NO idea of how this made me feel.<P>And even now, he always has to compare our cat being 14 to hers being "only" 13.<P>So my question is this: How can he have so much empathy for her and her loss, and absolutely none for mine, or even for HIS OWN? He loves this cat as much as I do, and yet he talks logic about the cycle of life, blah blah. Why can't he just accept that a loss is a loss whether it qualifies as "tragic" or not? He was able to do it for her, why can't he do it for me, or even for himself?

D&C:<P>Perhaps the losses of yours are "too close" and he feels the subconscious need to keep them at a distance. I know that when my grandfather died this past January, it was much easier to deal with when I "philosophized" like you H does. "He lived a long life;" "He's at least no longer in pain." That kind of stuff makes the pain easier to bear.<P>My guess is that DL's cat's death, while I'm sure he felt it was tragic, didn't affect him that closely because he didn't have that connection to it. YOUR cat, on the other hand, is much closer and more "real" to him, and I suspect that he needs to rationalize its death to keep himself from breaking down.<P>As for your step-father, I can't explain that one, except to say that he probably doesn't want to see you in pain and despair over the man's impending death. He's giving you rationalizations to help you justify it and spare yourself the pain. It's purely subconscious, and I bet he really believes that he's helping you cope.<P>I wish I had some advice on how to get him to stop rationalizing, but I gotta admit, I'm pretty guilty of it myself sometimes. I don't know how to stop it.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

I think LoneStar's reply is very relavent.<P>I've had a lot of trauma in my life, and I think in some ways I suffer with PTSD. I notice that I can cry hysterically over a movie, but in my own situation - I sometimes go numb.<P>Does that mean that I care about movie characters more than my own self/family? No, it is just that my emotions do not always fit my circumstances, because of some of the ways I've learned how to cope with the trauma. Probably confuses my loved ones, but - I don't know how to change that. Working on that.<P>

Dazed,<P>I don't have any great wisdom, but I think maybe you two are not talking the same language about loss. <P>My H loves our old pup (who I am obviously home with instead of on vacation), but he talks about the same way your H does...surprise, huh? <P>When we do talk about putting her to sleep he talks about how she had such a great life she has had. Well, what does THAT have to do with the decision to put her to sleep?<P>My decision is based on the vet's examination and my pup's appetite and interest in her surroundings. The vet says she is still fine and can not recommend putting her to sleep. Case closed for me, but H seems to consider her long life as potential part of the decision making process. Since he is more than happy to defer to my decision on this and bravely drove off with three kids to his Family Reunion , it was nothing to confront him about. Still I'd like to roll up a LB and disrespectful judgement and ask him WHAT he is THINKING!<P>Anyway, back to you. Dazed, your H was wonderful when push came to shove about the cat. And maybe DL's cat just happened to be hers. I mean maybe he would have felt the same way about that particular cat no matter who she was. Maybe he discovered his own cats' mortality issues at the same time. Who knows? It is not like you could ASK them and they could tell you, since neither of our H's could identify a typical emotion if it hit them in the head. (I'm in quite the mood this morning, aren't I?)<P>I suspect my basic life issues differ from yours somewhat , but maybe we have some commen ground. I would tell H that all life has dignity and purpose even as it ends. That the fact that we are all a part of the Circle of Life (do you here Elton John?), that idividual loss needs to mourned even as a person life is celebrated. Life is precious whether it be new or old, sick or well. That doesn't mean to hold on at all costs, but it does mean that life has no less value for your FIL than it does for those of us in the prime of life.<P>Maybe I never saw this as a blessing, but at least I see my H as equal opportunity "clueless". He is as clueless with those around him about issue that requires an deep emotion as he is with me.