Tonight I am going to talk to my H. I made a date for him to be here to talk. I will start the conversation with I am working full time now so I wondered if you want to talk about your plans. I will remain calm, and try to not LB in any way, I really expect him to tell me he will be moving out. If he does his usuall not talking, I will not have a fit and confront him and attack as I ususally do. I have a letter that I will give him that says I love him but I am letting him make his choice to stay or go.<P>I am leaving town on vacation in one week alone, and am afraid he will move out without telling me if we don't talk now. I also want some movement to be made in this limbo of him hating being here, avoiding me, trying to get up the courage to tell me he is leaving, but doing nothing. I am getting angry with him to the point that I will LB big time soon, or will just want to end this dance for good.<P>I am scared tho, afraid I will blow it and get too emotional. I am really not to afraid of anything he can tell me, although I know it will hurt if he feels the need to say he does not love me as he did in the letter he is composing to me. <P>So please pray for me. I will let you know how it goes.<BR>Lora

Lora,<BR>Consider a positive thought and a prayer on their way.<P>Just as an aside, having gone through my H's moving out so many times...I think he was puzzled the times I held my composure, but if you don't--and I didn't some of the times (don't hold onto his leg!)--it is an emotional thing and don't beat yourself up if you cry.<P>Take care of you.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Positive thoughts for you, Lora.<P>You may just surprise yourself. Stay focused on the outcome of your conversation, which is of course to get a straight answer.<P>Think about what triggers your outburst mode and think about an alternative so you will be ready when you face that trigger.<P>Remember your H may be your same old H, but you are not the same Lora !!!! He will probably try to push the same old buttons so you do explode, effectively ending communication. So expect him to search for the buttons, but surprise him by having them deactivated.<P>You can do this, you have become a strong woman, capable of great love, but equally capable of independence!

Sending positive thoughts your way! Even if he does move out don't be too discouraged. When my H first made his "I want a divorce announcement" (leaving me totally in shock). He said he wasn't going to move out. H ewould just stay in the spare room until we got the arangements "sorted out". Then 2 weeks later he packed up his stuff and was gone. He said he was overwhelmed with guilt by being in the house and was going to stay "with friends". "Friends" of course being the bimbo he claimed did not exist. He was depressed, said he hated the house (our dream house which we had just built and which was HIS idea!), he didn't even like his beloved dog (too much hair all over). Talk about Jekyll and Hyde. Anyway, the time he was still there between his announcement and his leaving was awful. He was in the other room, some nights he just didn't come home at all (wonder where he was lol), said he "owed me no explanations" as to where he was. I was walking on eggshells the whole time. Him moving out was what made him start to miss me, miss our home, our life. Being alone was awful, but so was being in the house with him being so cold and distant. If he does move out YOU can play OW. I made sure that every time I was going to see him the house was perfect, my makeup was perfect etc. You can't force him to stay, but if he does go that doesn't mean hope is lost!

Lora,<P>Hi, I've been working my tail off the last two days, trying to make up the time away from work when I was doing this court thing.<P>I tried calling you last night but busy.<P>Please call me, and I'll continue to try and call you. I'll be home this evening aft 7:00 and available for anything you need.<P>You can do this without LBing, I know you can. Stay focused, have crib notes avail. Try not to forget to tell H you do love him and want to stay together but not under these conditions.<P>Hon, I know what you're going thru, I'm feeling my separation day all over again for you. I know it hurts and it seems so surreal right now, just stayed as focused as you can.<P>The man has no idea what a loving and tolerant person you've been, how much you've demonstrated you love him through your continued respect of him in a time when most would 4x4 him all the way out the door. He has no clue.<P>But we know how well you've done and how you've grown.<P>Love you lots, Lora. I'll be in touch.<P>Your friend,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 04, 2000).]

Lor,<BR>Thanks for making me laugh at the image of me holding his leg as he drags me towards the door. I hope it doesnt get to that point! I will consider anything less a success.<P>FHL,<BR> Yes, I am ready to do something different tonight.... I hope I don't fall into the same old loop.<P>Fairydust,<BR>Thanks for the positive story, I just cant take this living with him and the tension of him wanting to go. I have been happy lately when he isnt home, so much stress when he is here. I can't imagine I am filling his lovebank either. He needs to miss me.<P>Jo,<BR>Thanks agian for everything, I am working on my notes now.<BR>Lora

Yes...Lora...<P>You have my prayers for tonight...<BR>...and all the rest of your tomorrows.<P> <P>Jim

Lora, I am sending positive thoughts and will pray for you. I do not know your story so take that under advisement. Just remember that moving out does not mean it is over. Your H will find out that the grass is not always greener.

Thanks NSR and Mysti,<BR>Your thoughts must have put me over the top, because I DID IT!<P>I talked calmly and he brought up trial seperation for 4-6 months. He said he would tell me where he was living, and that he thought I should stay freinds with his family. I didn't Lb or mention OW. I didn't maybe say everything I wanted to about loving him and not wanting this, but I have my letter to give him tomorrow that says all of that so he can be left with that. I am so happy with myself, and releived it is over. He said he would not just leave without warning so I can not worry about that while I am on vacation either.<P>I am ready for him to go so I don't loose the last of my love for him and get really resentfull, because I can feel that is close.<P>So thank you all for your posts. I read them over several times and felt you all pulling for me as I went into it, and I felt really strong. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks!<BR>Lora

Wow Wow Wow!<P>You did do it!!!!!!<P>One little question. Why is he suggesting living arrangements for you. What is wrong were you are living now if he is leaving?

Lora:<P>Congratulation on a good job. Doesn't it feel wonderful to face something you dread and come out feeling like you handled it well. <P>I know we are urged to continue to work on our marriage under the same roof if possible but sometimes that is not possible...either the WS wants to leave to be with OW or the situation is intolerable because he wants to stay and still have OW on the side(my situation).<P>Separation in this case is really for the best...you're right it keeps you from losing all your love for your husband...taking you away from the day to day contact between WS and OW...at least it's not in your face anymore. <P>I for one believe that these affairs have to run their course...so I'm letting go and letting it happen...Plan A'ing when I can...trying not to LB (it's really easier now)...but it's still hard every time we have contact and he goes back to OW.<P>My house has never been so clean, the tread on my tennies is gone, and I fixed the electrical outlets that have been broken for years, but I'm alright and I'm making it, and you will too.<P>Have a good time on your vacation.<P>Buffy

FHL,<BR>Did I say it funny? No he is moving to an apart and I will stay in the house. He is going to transfer the morgage payment to my account.<P>Buffy, Yes, I have struggled with the idea that keeping him here makes it easier. But I think he falls more into the trapped animal catigory and keeping him here is not helping either of us. Maybe I will regret it, but right now I have to let him go.<BR>Lora

Lora,when I saw my H during the separations I found the tension to be less and he was more attentive because he intended to be at the house. The tension release is a relief.