Please help me!! I need advice. I will try to give you the quick history. My husband and I were seperated for two months and since June we have been trying to put things back together. The problem is that he developed an on-line relationship while we were seperated and it is threatening our reconcilation. I do not know what to do. Do I confront the other woman? Do I refrain from being intimate with my husband until he decides? Do I force him to choose?<P>I can not give up and leave again because he is just waiting for me to do that. You see in January something happened that threw me into a deep,dark, depression. I withdrew physically and emotionally from my husband. My husband and I tried counseling for two months but I was not getting better quick enough. <P>Since I felt like dying so badly I pushed him away and was really mean to him. I figured that it would not bother him when I died if his last memories of me were of my being a real "*itch". Faulty thinking I know this now but that was the depression talking. I have been receiving help and medication. <P>My coming around again was either good or bad timing because now my husband thinks the only reason I am back is due to jealously. That is not the case. I am not competitive and would not have come around if I had known the whole truth. Any suggestions???

Mysti,<P>Would your H be willing to seek help on here too? This internet business is really hard to take (the chat rooms I mean). I haven't had to deal with it personally with affairs of the virtual world, BUT, your not the only one on here that has to deal with this.<P>I spent about 9 months battling a deep depression, I know about distancing a spouse, MORE to protect them from your pain, instead of letting them help you. First off what is done is done! Keep that in mind!<P>Can't take that back...BUT...what you CAN do is like KalGrl said "READ READ READ" Get Plan A down, understand it and if you have questions about it ask people on here straight out what it means to Plan A. THESE PEOPLE HELP BIG TIME!!!<P>Learn about Love Banks, Love Busters, what to do and NOT to do when trying to peruse your H back to you!<P>Most of all DON'T LOSE FAITH in your ability to "lure" him back to you emotionally, physically and to be the "unit" that you two once were!<P>Get some good info off of here. READ other posts, I myself learn just as much from posts that aren't directed at me as I do those that are directed at me!<P>You've come to the right place to get this back! <P>Hang in there Mysti!<P>Drew <P>

But is an internet relationship with phone calls the same as an affair? They have never met face to face. I sometimes wish he had had one-night stands, they would be easier to deal with than this emotional connection.

They are "affairs" called Emotional Affairs, which you basically said! It causes (I would think) the same heartache as a physical affair, and because your H's Other Woman isnt there, he may indeed be having a harder time trying to focus!<P>I think others can address this MUCH better then I can, so be patient and hopefully others will see this post you made!<P>Hang in there though okay! <P>Drew

Blue Drew,<P>Thank you. I am reading posts and it is helping. I appreciate your advice.<P>Hanging in there gets really tough at times. It helps to know that others are hanging in there too.

mysti,<P>You are a long way from the end of the marriage here. So calm down and take a few breaths. Read here about Plan A and the many other articles that can be found. If you go to the "Just Found Out" section under infidelity you will find a post by NSR that is a welcome to new people here.<P>Within the welcome you will find bookmarked many very helpful articles about MB and postings from people here on a variety of topics. Please read these articles you will get a better handle on what you are dealing with and how to deal with it.<P>First, please know that many people do recover their marriage after an EA and further they often find that in the process of recovering the marriage, they make their marriage better. <P>This is the beginning of the weekend so things are slow here. Please read and keep posting your questions you will get lots of help.<P>Please read about Plan A, it is a method by which the betrayed person begins the process of evaluating the marriage and themselves to see their contribution to the state of the marriage. It addresses meeting your spouses needs and avoiding Love Busters.<P>You will find that the only person you can change is yourself. But if you do that and make the idea of coming home more attractive to your H, it is likely that you can sway things into your favor.<P>So hang in there, read, post, evaluate and most of all have patience, this stuff takes time.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Welcome <B>Mysti</B>...<P>...sorry I'm so late...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>"Do I confront the other woman?"...<BR>NO!<P>"Do I refrain from being intimate with my husband until he decides?"...<BR>It depends... if there is a chance of contracting an STD... you have to be the judge.<BR>If no chance... do meet this EN.<P>"Do I force him to choose?"...<BR>Never force... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> will help him make the choice.<P>"But is an internet relationship with phone calls the same as an affair?"...<BR>Check out a very relevant link <A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!</A>!<P>Do get the book and read... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>!<P>For more info on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> check out my post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P> <P>Jim

Thank you Jim<P>Today is really hard for me. This morning we made love however while I was trying to make a nice Sunday dinner he went on-line and I caught him writing an e-mail to her. It really hurts he could not even wait one day until I was back at work and out of the house. <P>I am going to follow the links you advised. I was looking at them on Friday but when my H came home from work he saw the word infidelity and it led to an intense discussion. He does not feel that he is having an EA and that it is cheating because the relationship started when I had left him and he had given up on us. He is really sensitive and defensive about the things I say to him. He thinks the OW is moral but I do not think any woman who tells someone that she loves them knowing that he is trying to reconcile with is wife is moral. I feel the moral thing for her to have done was to be a friend and wait in the wings. Maybe my views of morality are wrong.

Mysti,<P>I suspect it will take awhile for your H to realize that you view this as an affair or that your view counts. By that I mean, the reason EA are called affairs is because they take away from the spouse the affection and care that should be going to them rather than the Other Person.<P>When time is spent on the internet relationship that should be spent on the spouse it is an affair. It is an affair of the heart, and emotions rather than the body.<P>It sounds as if your H is very bitter about the separation and doesn't trust you very much right now. Please read the posts NSR sited on Plan A. It is definitely for you and it would seem perfect for your situation. Don't get the idea that it is easy or that every thing will clear up immediately, but it will definitely help you.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you JL<P>I am reading through the information and between that and the posts from people you are helping me survive this difficult time.