It was just two nights ago my H admitted to EA becoming PA. Just two night ago he said he wasn't coming home. Two nights ago D was sought for. One day since children told.<P>I wasn';t very good at keeping plan A going. And Plan B let me know where he stood. Couldn't give it up for anything, anybody!<P>I'm sad and lonely for the friend, lover, companion, parent I loved. I guess we go through our own withdrawal.<P>I just wonder if unmet needs aside, he will ever remember our relationship the way it was..not just the way he needed it to be right now. Much of what he remembers is just plain inaccurate...not what he felt but the facts.<P>I wonder if they ever remember or if time just goes by and new events with the new relationship just make the other memories become so distant they fade.<P>I still can't fathom how you can walk out on the whole thing...kids included based on what he now admits was recent.... <P>sigh (to borrow from nomas)

Hi TT,<P>Just wanted you to know someone is out here listening, and wondering too...<P>Your threads seem like you are blaming yourself, please don't do that...I'm not sure your H would have let you Plan A him if you had wanted to. He is/was just too goofed up to get it I think.<P>Weekends are hard, I know. I'm sitting here watching a stupid baseball game on TV because my H is there...jeez.<P>Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.<P>allison<P>

Maybe I am changing the subject, but it IS interesting how the WS does not remember any of the good things that ever happened in the relationship, all of the sudden.<P>When my H asked for a divorce, it was like I had been taking a nice warm shower and he suddenly sneaked in and threw a bucket of ice over the shower curtain (an old college joke we used to play on each other.) I was floored. Here it was, the day after Christmas, gifts opened, log on the fire, turkey on the table, and he decides it's the right moment to demand an end to the marriage. I had no idea it was coming.<P>He says "This marriage is miserable! Can you remember one happy moment between us?" He didn't even allow me to reply, because he knew exactly what the answer would be.<P>YES! So many happy times! Our first date, how I grabbed onto his arm when the dinosaur roared in "Jurassic Park," and we ended up holding hands. . .Jogging together all up and down the beach at Monterrey Bay. . holding entire conversations talking like Elmer Fudd. . .furnishing our first home by yardsale-ing in Hawaii (you can get some good stuff in on the leeward side, or is it the windward side?). . him showing up at my door in his dress blues to escort me to our wedding, and how gorgeous he looked! . .waking up in a hospital room and seeing him holding a baby--our son. . .I could go on and on, why couldn't he? I could have gone on and on forever.<P>It does hurt so much, doesn't it? <P>But, new beginnings! Remember, when God shuts a door, he opens a window. Silly statement, but it's so true. Have faith.<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 05, 2000).]

do you think that the person that doesn't remember the good times, does not want to face the responsibility of the bad times? I am the WS and I truly regret it. I feel like I really tried for 2 years to get my point across to my H and then I got angry and made a stupid decision. <P>The fact is I love my H more than anything. The only thing I have ever wanted is his acceptance and his love. I feel like we had 10 years of great times and 2 years of times that could have been so much better. <P>My H does not seem to want to remember the good times. He says they don't feel real now. I however, cannot forget the good times. I believe that if you truly want to get back to that you can...you just have to both want to and go after it. I know that is over simplified but I believe it is possible. <P>My H feels like I am trying to hard and either it will come back or it won't, but I believe that because there are so many hurt feelings that we have to make an effort to get over them and relearn who we are and what we want.<P>I think forgetting the good times is a way to shutdown and not feel the hurt.

Allison,<P>What's wrong with watching baseball?? In all seriousness, that probably falls within recreational companionship. I used to watch "Melrose Place" with my W, that <B>has</B> to be equivilent to you watching baseball .<P>Starry-eyed- Excellent point about facing responsiblity. My W doesn't seem inclined to do anything that requires effort on her part. Also, about the memory thing, I bet if you took a poll, you would find that the WS's that are recommitted to the marriage are the one's who remember the good times, and the one's who can't/won't remember have not.<P>Steve

Beerman,<P>Watching baseball is like watching paint dry.<P> <P>allison

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Starry-eyed:<BR><B>"do you think that the person that doesn't remember the good times, does not want to face the responsibility of the bad times?" <P>"I think forgetting the good times is a way to shutdown and not feel the hurt."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am the FS, but my WS does not remember our relationship when we were falling love. He says it was a long time ago. Who really forgets? I remember everything, every converstion, every confession of our pasts, Everything. <BR>All he seems to remember is his OW, and therir relationship. He is still addicted. Do you think it would help if I brought out some old letters he wrote me? Or maybe my diary I kept while we were falling in love. Or is that unfair pressure while he is still trying to choose betwwen her and his family? I don't want to push him away.

BS, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to bring out the letters. I tried to tell my H some of the memories...especially the ones of how involved he was as a father. He just blew me off. I showed him a photo of last Aug. with all of us on vacation and he with his arms around us smiling. He threw it down on the table.<P>I think that they just CAN't look at the stuff, and I think I finally got it through my thick skull that this is just the way it is..... Nothing I, or my 3 small children could say or do would sway this man.<P>I swear there was achip put in his brain to make him hate the four of us...SUDDENLY... like a switch going off.

TT<BR>I am so sorry! What an awful feeling . I really do not understand the switch thing. All I can think of is he hates what HE has done and to make him feel better, he blames you instead. Some men find it hard to find fault in themselves and if there is fault, they repress it and it spins off outward to others around him. Thanks for the reminder. I still need to handle mine with kit gloves.<BR>BS