Hi everyone,<P>My situation is from a different point of view than most of you, though I was wondering if any of you had advice for how to deal.<P>My mother had an affair several years ago which resulted in a child being born. When my dad found out, my parents divorced. My dad has since remarried and has little contact with us. My sister and I get maybe one phone call a month. Since he's in a different country now, we have no physical contact whatsoever. During my mother's entire pregnancy, I felt embarassed and angry. I stopped inviting friends over because I did not want them to see her condition. I kept everything a secret as best I could, not telling anyone until it was impossible to hide.<P>It's four years later, and I still feel resentment towards my mother for breaking our family apart. My mother does the bare minimum to take care of the child, and mostly my sister is responsible for looking after him. This despite the fact that my mother does not have a job. The child is <BR>not disciplined, and is allowed to draw on walls and destroy property at his will.<P>Now I know that my bitterness is creating a lot of tension in the household. I find it difficult to talk to my mom civilly. Recently, she embarassed me again by moving in with a man right after he abandoned his wife (they are in the process of divorcing). <P>My question is, do you have any suggestions for how to cope? Any good web sites to visit? After four years, I have recently been able to hold conversations with my mom without screaming (which was a big feat), but I become extremely upset as soon as I think about what she's done. I find I often think about the past before all this happened almost daily.<P>I found this site while looking for such resources, and have read through all the articles. Understandably, the point of view of most of these articles are for spouses, not the children.<P>What do I do? <P>

Zeb,<P>I'm sorry for your situation...<BR>...this site is really for the spouses invovled in infidelity...<BR>...and for those trying to rebuild their marriages...<P>I did a brief search...<BR>...and didn't find too much...<P>...but you may want to try out===><A HREF="http://www.childrenofdivorce.com/inquiries.htm" TARGET=_blank>childrenofdivorce</A>.<P>This appears to be a site where you might me able to ask questions...<BR>...and perhaps get some help through a referral (contact a "professional" to help you cope.)<P>I hope that helps...<P>You have my prayers... <P>Jim

Zeb...<P>Wow. I do not know how old you are now, or were when the child was born...you mention that you'd stopped inviting friends over, so I'd guess you were still at home, but maybe an older teen? You certainly sound mature.<P>I know that my H's father had an affair throughout many years while he was growing up...he basically moved out and ha d little contact, so the issues were different than what you are living with. But, in any case, I suspect that there is a sense of embarassment and disillusionment...we all want our parents to be "good" people. There is also, as there is for so many of us on this board, as need to grieve the loss of the family (marriage) that was and that "should have been."<P>Do try to separate the person your mother is (and I bet she is a good person in many ways) from the stupid and hurtful things she may do. <P>It sounds like you and your sister are in a very difficult spot. Are you in a position to get counseling? You have a legitimate need to voice some of this, and I bet your mom isn't a good person to do this with...<P>Feel free to post again, even if you are not a "perfect fit" here.<P>Kathi<P>