I love my wife. We have had a great marriage for 20 years. Her dream was to be a doctor. I stayed home with our two boys and she went to medical school. She is now in her last year of residency. She will be coming home soon. Our sons are 15 and 13 years old, plus we had another son who is now 1 1/2. My wife and I have worked hard to make this work, and I feel I've given my all. This summer has been the hardest on us yet. She has only had four days off all summer. My business has been so busy that I haven't taken but one day off. We have had no time together. From reading marriagebuilders, a great site by the way, I now see that you can't let this happen. I know now that no matter what, we must spend time together. But the damage is done. We have always been honest with our feelings. She has always had many male friends and they always stayed just friends. Over the summer, her feelings for one friend has been changing to a desire for romantic love. I understand now that it is because he is who she spends the most time with at the hospital. They have coffee together and talk all during the day. He is one of the only bright lights she has at work.The love units for her has hit the romantic stage. She hasn't told him and nothing has happened. She shares everything with me over the phone everynight. We do talk everynight. She is staying super wet and she says she knows she couldn't refuse him, if he hit up on her. He is married also and does't seem to realize her feelings. He is a really strong ethical doctor. A good man. After being wet all week, the few times we have been together. she is not all that interrested in me. She says it might be because of no time and the baby etc. I asked her if they did make love, would it be just for the sex or would she consider leaving me for him? She said she doesn't think she would leave me because she loves me, but that she is not 100% positive of what she might do if that happened. Well, I'm crushed. I'm confused.I feel I'm on a merry-go-round, I feel one way one second and another way the next. We are both in our forties and I wonder if besides the love unit thing, is this also tied into a midlife crisis. We know she must quit seeing this man as much so the love units can go down on that side, and I know we have to make time for each other to make our love units go back up. Question I can't find on this site <BR>that I feel could help me is:<BR>Can a women feel in a romantic way for two men? I think I could have sex with several women at once, but I'm not sure I could truly love but one women at one time in a romantic way. If she feels romantic type love for this man, where am I. Can both the other man and I have enough love units to be thought of romantically, or has mine fallen so low that he has taken my place? <BR>I sorry to have rambled on for so long.<BR>Can someone help me understand?<P>

bwwiv,<P>I just have a few minutes today and will gone next week so I won't be able to respond probably, but others will be along to help you. First, go to "Just Found Out" section and find NSR's general welcome to newcomers. Within that welcome you will find many bookmarks to excellent articles contained within this site, read them. Also read so of the posts in is I think he calls it "outstanding" posts.<P>You can save your marriage and you don't need to share your W with another man. It is very good that she is talking with you about this and she hasn't really confronted the other Dr.<P>Please Read about Plan A on this site. It will help you enormously in your fight to rebuild your marriage. You can rebuilt it. You already know some of the issues mainly time. Do everything you can to be with your W when you can. Don't Love Bust, if that term doesn't mean much to you read about it on this site. <P>I feel there is much hope for you marrige but it will take great fortitude on your part and a strong effor to swing the marriage around. It can be done and it has been done in situations much worse than yours.<P>Meanwhile keep posting questions, read the articles, and have patience. This all takes time.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: Here is the thread, just klick on NST. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank> NSR </A><p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited August 05, 2000).]

I'd guess that she still loves you, but is <B>in-love</B>(ie, romantic feelings love) with him. This is not as bad as it sounds!<P>Yes, it requires immediate attention, but it is quite reversible. <P>You seem to have a good understanding of how this happened...Keep on read everything you can on this site, and start working on your relationship with your wife. Keep us posted.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bwwiv:<BR><B>I love my wife. We have had a great marriage for 20 years. Her dream was to be a doctor. I stayed home with our two boys and she went to medical school. She is now in her last year of residency. She will be coming home soon. Our sons are 15 and 13 years old, plus we had another son who is now 1 1/2. My wife and I have worked hard to make this work, and I feel I've given my all. This summer has been the hardest on us yet. She has only had four days off all summer. My business has been so busy that I haven't taken but one day off. We have had no time together. From reading marriagebuilders, a great site by the way, I now see that you can't let this happen. I know now that no matter what, we must spend time together. But the damage is done. We have always been honest with our feelings. She has always had many male friends and they always stayed just friends. Over the summer, her feelings for one friend has been changing to a desire for romantic love. I understand now that it is because he is who she spends the most time with at the hospital. They have coffee together and talk all during the day. He is one of the only bright lights she has at work.The love units for her has hit the romantic stage. She hasn't told him and nothing has happened. She shares everything with me over the phone everynight. We do talk everynight. She is staying super wet and she says she knows she couldn't refuse him, if he hit up on her. He is married also and does't seem to realize her feelings. He is a really strong ethical doctor. A good man. After being wet all week, the few times we have been together. she is not all that interrested in me. She says it might be because of no time and the baby etc. I asked her if they did make love, would it be just for the sex or would she consider leaving me for him? She said she doesn't think she would leave me because she loves me, but that she is not 100% positive of what she might do if that happened. Well, I'm crushed. I'm confused.I feel I'm on a merry-go-round, I feel one way one second and another way the next. We are both in our forties and I wonder if besides the love unit thing, is this also tied into a midlife crisis. We know she must quit seeing this man as much so the love units can go down on that side, and I know we have to make time for each other to make our love units go back up. Question I can't find on this site <BR>that I feel could help me is:<BR>Can a women feel in a romantic way for two men? I think I could have sex with several women at once, but I'm not sure I could truly love but one women at one time in a romantic way. If she feels romantic type love for this man, where am I. Can both the other man and I have enough love units to be thought of romantically, or has mine fallen so low that he has taken my place? <BR>I sorry to have rambled on for so long.<BR>Can someone help me understand?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No. Only one person receives your love. I told my husband years ago I envied him because it was nothing for him to get involved with different women. If I could do that I would have left him a long time ago.<P>The truth is, I found out something about myself when I retaliated with an affair. I got no satisfaction from it. I had no feelings of romance for the man even though the evenings were romantic. I couldn't get into it because of thoughts about my husband.<P>I eventually turned my energy into my marriage. Though my husband continued in his affairs, I didn't get caught up in another relationship.<P>If I do anything, it will be because I chose to do so. I believe it is always a matter of choosing to remain loyal to your spouse.<P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodPhrend (edited August 08, 2000).]

Yes,<P>I think a person could feel very conflicting "romantic" feelings based on the love bank units.<P>You are sooo fortunate to be able to get on this EARLY and hopefully avoid the heartache so many of us have suffered.<P>The truth is that it doesn't really matter whether she can love both, eventually it will be only one. She is very VULNERABLE and has told you (way more than most of our spouses did for us).<P>Read Harley's books and get those love unit deposits in. She is telling you she is vulnerable. She wants you to help her not cross the line.<P>My h and I started only after a secret affair, but we are finding the in-loveness again. We benefited greatly from the phone counsel of Jennifer Harley in actually applying all these "rules" to our lives.

Thanks for the replys.<BR>We took an emergency vacation. We spent a week together. We are back, and stronger<BR>than ever. <BR>I went back to like we were dating; opening<BR>the car door for her, sending her flowers, all those silly little things that mean love.<BR>She is back at work and doing fine. She calls me four times a day and we talk an hour every night. We talk about things that we have not talked about in years. She is back to thinking about me all the time. The other guy has dropped out of her mind. She seems to be having an easier time at this than most that I read about.<P>My reflections:<BR>I have been feeling sorry for myself since the baby arrived over a year ago. I've been in a funk. Even low maintenance relationships need some maintenance. I am back at working on my marriage. I am very blessed, and I know it! Thanks for the people of this web site and the good they are doing. May God Bless You People, Too!

You had a bit of a scare, and seem to be back on track. Congratulations!<P>One word..."weak spots" will show up again if the underlying problems are not dealt with, or if they are dealt with temporarily. So, do use this to help you both stay motivated and keep working and communicating together.<P>Glad things are going well <P>Kathi