Quick Update:<P>H moved home the end of May, after being separated for six months. Told me he wanted to reconcile with me, and only ME. I believed him. Almost from the start, there were signs that he was still in contact with OW, although he hasn't taken off for any "overnighters". I confronted him, & he admitted to the affair still being "on".<P>Finally, this week, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told him I was giving up. That the situation was too destructive for me, and self destructive for him (due to all the lies he's having to tell). I felt that I was doing all of us a favor. Today, I asked him to find another place to live.<P>Well, he absolutely, positively refused!! Said he wasn't leaving HIS home. I reminded him that it "was" OUR home, & I asked him if he expected me to leave. He said, "No". I said that I would be happy to leave if he was willing to take over the house payment, utilities, etc. Of course, he isn't in a position to do so.<P>Anyway, he finally opened up to me about some things, & we talked for over an hour (all time record) . All along, he's told me that I have done nothing wrong, that I've been "the perfect wife", & that the problem was within him. He bottles everyting up inside. Well, today he finally admitted that he lost all desire for me a couple of years ago, and rather than talking to me about it, he took the easy road out, and found someone else to direct his romantic feelings onto. A couple of years ago, I was having a terrible time with my job, and I fell into the habit of coming home and venting on him. Turns out that his mother (who he is estranged from) was/is an alchoholic and would come home and vent on him when he was 14 years old. I guess what I did reopened some very old childhood wounds, and he projected his terrible feelings for his mother onto me. The end result is that he has no sexual desire for me. Amazingly, he insists he still loves me, & I do think that he does.<P>I really think that the affair is about to implode. He told me that I am his best & only friend. I said, "what about OW"? He said, "She doesn't hold a candle to you." He also told me that OW has mentioned several times now that she's thinking about moving up north to be closer to her family. I suggested that she might just be saying that as a means of trying to manipulate him into a commitment. He said he didn't think so because her first priority are her kids, and the second are all her friends. This has to bother him because he's used to being the number one priority (with me).<P>I kept pulling the conversation back to, "So, what do you suggest we do?" Here's what he came up with. He wants us to have a living arrangement where we each have our own bedroom and bath, & he will give me every cent he makes. (One thing that has been sticking in my craw is that since he's been back, he's kept his separate checking account, and that's where his paycheck goes. So far, he hasn't offered to help with the bills, although he has been trying to get his MC paid off.) I did tell him last weekend that I expected him to start helping out with the expenses.<P>On a positive note, he did begin counseling sessions with a psychiatrist this week. And, she zeroed in right away on his childhood scars and his bad feelings for his mother. He actually began to acknowledge some things in the first session that he's been blocking out. She wants me to attend a session with him the week after next.<P>I feel like a yoyo. I'm fluctuating between leaving and staying almost daily. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Actually, I was a psych major - but abnormal psych never interested me until it hit home.<P>Much of what I have read says that projection is very common, almost universal, in MLC-type situations. Either projection of the betrayer's feelings about his parents, or projection of the betrayer's own feelings. This certainly seems to be true in my H's case. I think my H has a lot of issues related to his relationship with his father that are being projected onto me.<P>I am becoming more and more convinced that in virtually every case where someone leaves after many years of marriage without warning, serious mental illness is involved. This is about far more than just not meeting needs. <P>I think it is great that your H has begun counseling with a psychiatrist. <P>And BTW, from another post - I do not think it is easier when the BS is given no hope. The day my H said he wanted a divorce, before I knew about the OW, I told him that even if he were having an affair, I would not want a divorce, and I still feel that way, but it makes no difference.

My husband sez one thing and does another these days, too. Sez he loves me, but he had sex with her. Hmmmmmm. Gotta wonder.<P>Well, anyways, my sweetie grew up in the PERFECT family. Leave it to Beaver all the way. Parents were crazy about one another. Parents were crazy about their kids. They are wonderful, gentle people who devoted themselves to their children. Went to church every Sunday. Worked their way from poor to upper-middle-class. Have a beautiful home in the burbs. My H and his bro were in the top 10 percent of students their graduating year from highschool, both have masters degrees.<P>My sweetie also has a little temper problem that is kind of unexplainable. Just part of his nature, I guess, but it also has gotten out of hand in a terrible way. And a little honesty problem, too, after what has gone on in the last two years. Who would have guessed?<P>So, I don't know. Some people have all of the advantages in the world, and get messed up big-time. And some people endure the most crippling abuse up the ying-yang and still become our doctors, teachers and leaders.<P>It is hard to say. But one thing is important--so, so so very important!--talk about what is on your mind, whatever you are feeling. Him, and you both. As you say, your husband keeps things bottled up inside until they explode (my husband too) When people keep their thoughts to themselves, the bad ones tend to fester and become ugly. It is so important to talk, between the two of you, and with a counselor who knows what he is about.<P>At least he says he still loves you, and he is still home--in some kind of arrangement, anyway--so you have the ball in your court. <P>If you haven't read Dr Harley's books, try "Surviving an Affair" and see if that cannot point you into the right direction.

That he recognizes triggers from childhood is a major positive. That he's getting help is also a major positive. The question is whether he can get past recognizing those triggers and train his mind to stop them from triggering reactions, or if he gets stuck in "This is a trigger, and you have to be sure not to do it" -- thereby avoiding responsibility for his own healing. This is where most people get hung up in therapy.<P>I go to a cognitive therapist who teaches me techniques for retraining my mind to not trigger these old scripts. I've found it very productive and helpful.

Yes Sidney, old childhood memories can trigger this mess, but do they have to continue them NO. Remember it does have to do with our thought process. How many times have you been soooo mad at someone you've said " I could kill him or her". Would you really do it? That is where the difference.<BR>He has old triggers , but he doesn't have to act on them. Going thru therapy is good. <BR>I too have been looking into cognitive therapy. Reading some stuff and it sounds very interesting. Not only for my H but for me too. <BR>Look into it...Can't hurt and this is just one more stone to uncover, before you decide to give it up and move on...

No psych major here,but this is exactly what happened in my H's case.Although it wasn't the major cause of the affair(depression was),it definitely fueled it.<P>When H went into counseling,he came home one night and told me his counselor drew a very interesting parallel.When H was 16 his mom found a very close female friend and just about......well she did,abandon her family to do EVERYTHING with this friend.We even think now that there is something sexual in nature about this relationship that now involves even my H's father.Several years before H decided he wanted out of our marriage,I began an intensive 40hr per week behavior modification based learning program for our autistic son. It all took place in our home.Incredibly stressful time for me as we were suing the school district to fund this program.I worked every weekend as well.What happened? He felt just like he did when his mom took up with her friend...I had abandoned him to help our child.When the counselor drew this parallel for him things really fell into place for our reconciliation.He never understood why he felt so rejected by me in my attempt to focus on our child.I honestly admit,I was blind to the fact that I had lost the balance.I was *ell bent on rehabilitating my child.Thus my huge part in all of this mess.<P>This is good new that H is able to have some insight into this now.Hopefully this counselor will be able to help him set things right in his mind. Good luck!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited August 06, 2000).]