My W is, or was, a wonderful person. She would not do anything irrational, or intentionally be mean, or act out of spite. But this is the reality that I face. She had the affair, but seems to think that it was perfectly justified. I heard the crying and words of remorse. But I think now it was only lip service. About 1 week after her confession, and about 1 week prior to our 22nd anniversary, she told me she wanted a divorce. I was so stunned. You could have hit me with a Mack truck and I wouldn't have even noticed. My world fell apart. I gave her a diamond pendant that I bought for our anniversary. She wouldn't even go out with me. I tried for about 3 months to talk with her, plead with her, appeal to reason and logic, confessed all my shortcomings. She became more angry and more determined to divorce me and "move on." We've been separated now for more than 4 months. She had tried to give back the pendant, but wanting to try to make things work I tried to tell her I wanted her to keep it. Since then she has done things that make me think there is no way this will ever work. I think she is seeing someone else, now. I found out she sold the pendant for $50. What an insult. Pain upon pain.<P>I keep cycling through anger, denial, pain, bitterness, loneliness, depression. I visit each one in stages, but each time I do, I spend less time there. I think I am beginning to heal, but I have a long way to go. I've resigned myself to be a divorced man. I am still facing the actual event. No idea when that will happen. Right now, I am angry at having been treated so badly from the woman that I gave so much to for so many years. She would have said it was not enough. <P>The Betrayer always has an excuse to help them justify their actions. It puts the Betrayed in the position of trying to make amends. There is some truth in what they say, but since it is not the whole truth it might as well be another lie.<P>Tell me what you think. I could use your input and support.<P><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>

7Habits,<BR> Is your W related to mine?Mine started her affair shortly before our 22th anniversary and when she told me about it,she wanted an immediate divorce,no questions asked.I also got the"I need more"speech.She was the one who always said we'd never divorce because she didn't want to lose everything we had.Now we're on the verge of divorce,and she's living with the OM(15 years younger than me).It's possible that your W is in love with the guy she had the affair with,and wants to divorce you so she can be with him,no strings attached.There sure seems to be a lot of affairs and divorces around the 20 year mark.That's about the time the mid-life crisises hit.You're right about the justification.You or I could of done the same thing to them(dumped them for that trophy-wife),and could of come up with 20 years of dirt to justify our actions.What really hurts is she also told her family my faults(in a hysterical manner,no doubt),and turned them against me.So I not only lost my W,but my entire second family that I had known for 25 years.I know what you mean about the stages,I've been through them all.Mostly just anger now,because I never could of done that to her. --Murph

Guys,<P>I had my affair at the 19 yr. mark, several months after my 40th birthday. Talk about a cliche'! I ended my affair within three weeks of discovery, and tried to adhere to the no contact rule as best I could considering I work with the OM. It is and has been over for 7 months. Longer than it lasted. <P>My H has also betrayed, but he hit the 7 year itch. Boy, could we be more obvious? Every passage of marriage you've ever read about, huh?<P>Not all betrayers justify their affairs. I had tons of reasons to divorce my H, and he me, but <B>not to have affairs</B>. That's the difference, I think.<P>7 Habits, re:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I keep cycling through anger, denial, pain, bitterness, loneliness, depression. I visit each one in stages <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, us too, and both my H and I go there, back and forth, back and forth.<P>I'm sorry for the pain you're both going through. Keep fighting the good fight. I hope your W's realize what they have before it's too late.<P>~Sheryl<P>

Murphy,<P>Thanks for your reply -- The affair my W had lasted only a couple of months and she ended it. But she didn't tell me about it until she became frightened when the OM began act "weird" as she puts it. He became a little physical and tried to force her to go with him somewhere. I know that's a mistake. She put up a fuss and pretty much told him what he could do with his time. But then he started to tell her what she was doing with her time and who she was seeing. He was stalking her. Of course, I came to the rescue, if you can call it that. I told her I would stick by her, convinced her to get her employer involved since it involved her work and workplace. Once the problem was solved it seemed that she changed. I think she was beginning to have feelings for another man at work and started staying out late (after discovery and before I moved out). Since then she has been going "fishing" with "friends" from work. I know the continued frustration with wanting to solve the problem and not being able to do anything about it. <P>New_beginnings, <P>I think some day she will realize what she once had, but I will not be around by then, or more likely, she will keep it to herself and live with the disappointment. So be it. It's her choice. I on the other hand, have realized that I cannot do anything now to influence her. She is making her own way.<BR>You know the pain of betrayal from both perspectives. Do you think one is more painful than the other. I think that my W is justifying her actions so much so that she does not experience the pain of the actions she does as much as the pain of the consequences from the break up of the marriage. I think that they are different. I not only have the pain of the breakup, but the pain from the betrayal. What do you think?<P>By the way, does anyone think that I should or should not have asked for the pendant back? She thinks I am now an "Indian-giver".<P><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>