I have been in Plan a since D-day of EA 7 weeks ago. I was seeing small positive changes from him especially during the past 2 weeks. Ea was supposed to over. <P>Friday night before I came home from work H took D ( 11 yrs old ) back to pizza shop where OW is working second job. He took her back there to introduce her to this women and her 14 yr old son. Proceded to tell her that he was moving out of our home into that house there across the street from the pizza shop with OW. <P>He came home, dropped her off, and left - said he was going to his mom's and he will be right back. I asked D a couple of questions and she burst out into tears. They had left right before I came home and she had mentioned this to her dad since I would probably want to go along to eat too. They went any way. When he came back (I did not know the whole thing yet, I still thought the EA was over and did not know she had moved into the area and was working at this pizza shop) I went out and told him that this was not going to happen again. He was not to play head games with our child. He got defensive and said he was not playing head games with her. I said that he always knows where we are going and he is always invited to go along. It is his choice not to go. I said this will not happen again. He backed out of the driveway and left.<P>I went in and told D that dad left. She starts to cry again. I am holding her trying to comfort her. I asked if she saw anyone at the pizza shop meaning one of her friends - it is local shop and we aften see people we know there. She got hysterical. She said that woman - I said what woman and she says I cant tell you - dad said not to tell you, he will tell you. I said tell me what. She said he took her back there to meet this woman and her 14 yr old son and told her he was moving into that house with her.<P>I got mad - how could he do this to his daughter. I took her to his mom's and went back to the pizza shop. He was there. She was at the cash register and he was standing at the side counter. I went in and before I knew what happened I slapped him. He took me outside and I slapped 2 more times and then I got control of myself. We walked and talked - I talked, he screamed, cried, swore, told me we are through, he does not love me etc. He said he was not coming home tonight he was staying with her. He said he is never coming home. I saw so much emotion and pain and conflict. I do not belive he does not love me. He had feelings there. I was looking at a person being torn in half and did not know which way to go. I told him I loved him. I told him this made no difference in how I feel about him and that I would take him back tomorrow, next week , 2 months from now. He was crying. I took his garage door opener. It was his choice to leave. He was coming and going as he pleased before but he was home. I can not have him coming and going as he pleases and then go to her. It is still an EA - they have not had sex yet.<P>He had a road call in the middle of the night - I know because his best friend from work called at 2:15 in the morning to get him. No one knew he was doing this. He hides his vehicle, no one knows where to find him and the only number he is giving anyone is his work pager number.<P>He came to D rodeo to see her compete. He came right from the road call and it was going to be awhile til she was in . He was cold and nasty. He did not want to talk. He was very mad about me having slapped him the night before. He said no one deserved what I did to him and I said I don't deserve what he was doing to me. When he came back he was much better. He talked to me, I walked with him, sat with him, walked him back to his vehicle and told him that I loved him, that this makes no difference in how I feel. He said it is over and I told him that I do not believe that and he left.<P>Sunday we went over to the fire hall for breakfast. He talked to me, he laughed, he included me in conversations, he even praised me at least twice. He was a different person. He was going to take D 4-wheeling but it started to rain. He talked to me nicley about it. He said he would not take her back there yet. I said she does not want to go back there (to that apartment). He said well it will happen but not yet.<P>He came over to the house to get some things. He had taken nothing on Friday. He had shown me this list of stuff he was going to take friday night. He took a weeks worth of clothes and all his pagers, scanners, battery chargers for the pages and radios. That is it. He must have gone out and bought a razor because he had shaved and he did not take his with him.<P>I told him that I do not want this. He said I know. When he was done I walked out with him, he still answers to dear, I told him that I loved him, that this does not change how I feel and that I will take him back. I told him I would do anything to get him back and all he said (as he starts to cry) was that it is too late. I said that I do not believe that, I have to have hope. He was crying as he left. <P>Of course I was a basket case the rest of the day. All I wanted to do was go back there. I had to go through a series of 4 people to keep me from doing that.<P>I thought he was starting to come around. All my sources I rely on and these BB all said the same thing. Keep doing what you are doing , it seems to be working. What happened then? And now what do I do? He was starting to soften, he started to call me again, he even reached out to me the one night, he was coming home earlier and even spent last sat afternoon and evening and all of tuesday evening at home. Wed am I call him because I discovered clothes were missing - he denied it - turns out he had a change of clothes hidden just like I suspected. I wrote him a positive letter and apologized and gave that to him wed pm - he did not read it til Thursday. I know he still had it Friday am. He accepted small tokens from me over the past 2 weeks. I know what I was seeing so why did he leave?<BR>How to I get him back?<P>He has lied, he has manipulated the truth, he has made me believe things are not what the really are. He has been playing games for the past month. I am not sure he knows what is true or not right now.<P>Friday is the first that I have reacted in anger towards him in 7 weeks. My Plan A was going well until then. I am so confused and I do not know what to do at all.<P>I have call and scheduled an appt with a counselor. I have called for legal advice and have been recomended to local attornies and to file for a legal separation. I was told to get in done because of the way H wants to do it and he can not afford it as it is now without a second job. I was told I have to get him to pay child support right away. And I have to get my concerns about custody taken care of asap. I did not want to do this. And I want my marriage to work.<BR>Am I being stupid about this?<P>I have reread this post and if this was someone else's post I would have to say "Why do you want him back?"

Please respond.<P>Need help desperately!!!!

Please respond.<P>Need help desperately!!!!

Hugs to you, I Believe><P>I haven't been in your situation, but it seems you are doing all you can given the circumstances. You cannot make him come back. All you can do is work on yourself and take care your daughter. You are seeing a counselor and seeking legal advice that's good. Hopefully others who have been in your situation will respond.

{{{{{<B>I Believe</B>}}}}}...<P>I see you're really upset...<P>Catch your breath...<P>Get back into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>But... definitely get into couseling...<BR>...preferably MB style counseling.<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself(this is your judgment call)... legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>I'm praying for you...<P> <P>Jim

Hi IBelieve<P>Read everything that you can on this site. Get as many of the books from NSR list as you can and also visit the Divorce Busting Site on. <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com</A> which is a Divorce Busting site.<P>I would not survive without Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters. The main theme in both is back off, no pleading, begging and constant relationship talks. Turn the energy on you and work on how you can be a better person for you.<P>Take heart, it is all new and you will get better.<P>Forevertrue

IB,<P>I seen your thread and I just had to pop in here. I to am the betryer.<P>This is just part of it as I hate to say. The good thing is... He is emotional. He is so confused right now that he is probably sick. He does love you. And it isnt over. You just have to plan A like hell. <P>I know this is very very hard. You just keep that chin up. His reactions here are very much like everyone elses that are in this posistion. I reacted the very same way. Thank God that I got slapped in the face before I divorced. <BR>You do what you have to legally. Then see what OW does when she sees that she is going to have to support them with her pizza joint job. It will take time. I promise that new wears off and the old shines through. That is when they start thinking. <BR>I bet at night when he goes to bed you are on his mind non stop. That is just the way the guilt works.<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Thank you for your replies.<P>Yes I also think that it is a good sign that he gets emotional. He did last night when he came to get a dresser out of the basement. <P>I held it together real well last night - he was the one who got emotional.<P>I have a question. He has not told me anything about this relationship other than they are friends, they talk, and that was a while ago. He has been saying things like he got himself into this mess he will get himself out and he will live with his mistakes. As emotional as he was Friday night he never said anything positive about his relationship with her - only that he had no where else to go and that he would live with his mistakes. He said that last night again. Both of them are going to have to work 2 jobs and if he is working 2 jobs when is he going to see his daughter. <P>He has left a 15 yr marriage (22 yr relationship), everything we have worked for, his daughter, he is willing to work 2 jobs and get a 3 bdrm apartment so our D can stay (he threw that in last night when I said that D can not stay if only 2 bdrm with a 14 yr old boy there, besides D does not want to go there) to be with someone he has gotten emotionally attached to for 3-4 months that he might like and has not had sexual relations with yet.( The one friend that he has told the most to is the one friend he knows will tell me when I asked for information - Friend told me that he thinks H likes her and H told him they have not had sex yet.) I am so confused about this whole thing. He can not/will not give me any reason. Anything he complains about is from the past 6-8 months and I agree with him.<P>I am back into plan A. I have a network of friends that will help me. You never know how valuable your friends are until something like this happens. <P>I feel I have to get legal help even though I do not want a divorce. He says he is going to pay x amount bills and child support. That will leave him with about $53.00 for spending money a month and there is no relief for about 4 months. Then he will have a little breathing room but not much. He is talking about a bigger apartment for them and setting up a whole new household. We have the bills we have because if he wanted something he bought it. That is something that is not going to change. So if I don't have a legal document saying he is to pay this and this I could lose the house.<BR>I need suggestions. I have been told that I can not make it easy for him - he has to live what he has created - a tough love example.<P>Help me through this please!!!!<BR>

Please respond to my questions below.<BR>Need support!!!<P><BR>Thank you!!!!!

Hello, I know what you are going thru I have been there too. <BR>I was so mad and afraid I would be left high and dry ( which I was) that I filed for the divorce when I found out about OW. For financial reasons and for custody...<BR>Well that was almost 8 months ago.<BR>H finally was dumped by ow 2 months ago.<BR>He has moved back to town, but not home.<BR>Now I am much better. I took the time to find out what I had to do and how I could survive with just me and our son.<BR>I am stronger and wiser and have still been in plan A most of the time. <BR>When I went into plan B it didn't last long because the affair was dying and H wasn't sure he wanted a divorce.<BR>Now the D is on hold. He is going thru withdrawls and believe it or not, somedays I see glimpses of my old wonderful H.<BR>Read, Read, Read, pray, ask for help here...<BR>don't give up.<BR>If you can actually say your marriage was good before the affair, E or PA, then I'm sure it can be good before.<BR>I feel if my marriage had been a struggel for the last 29 years I might have given up long ago. But it wasn't and I have faith it can be wonderful again.<BR>If not then I will just move on, becuase I still know what I good marriage was , and now I know thru MB how to meet my H's needs and not take advantage of it if it should come my way again.<BR>Someday you will be there too....I promise<BR> . <BR>Won't be easy and won't be fun, getting there, but it will be worth it....!!!<BR>Love and Prayers

Thank you.<P>Yes I truely believe my marriage was a good one before he went into a depression that he sill will not acknowlegde. The person he is right now in not my H. I have no regrets and would do it all over again. <P>I still see emotion, feeling, he looks at me, I can not give up but I have to protect our D and myself. I do not trust him right now and I hurts me to say that.<P>Plan A, no LB, One day at a time, show him I am strong and can make it.<P>Wait til he sees the lawn has been mowed and all the weed wacking has been done. He left me a lawn mower with no gas, no oil and the weed wacker end needed replaced. I thank God for my friends who are standing by me and willing to help keep me going.<BR>

I believe,<P>You sound so much better today. Yes,you are doing the right things. I started doing things like you are, mowing the lawns, paying the bills...all the stuff he did, and it drove him crazy. After a few weeks of this H could not get over here early enough on Saturday mornings to get all the yard work done.<P>I'm not saying it's making H come home, but it helped ME to become more independent and know that I can get out there and mow that damn yard with the best of them! Keep it up.<P>I replied to your reply on my thread...the Plan B one. Just wanted to answer the question about how to make your H talk to you. I am married to a good communicator. I think at times that's all we had going for us is communication. <P>My H has also told me he was unhappy for 10 of our 19 years of marriage. I refused to accept this. Then it went down to 7 unhappy years, he's presently saying 3...jeez...hard to keep up.<P>They contradict themselves constantly. That's how I know he's still messed up. Within a week H once told me that he really had no guilt for the affair, just remorse. Last weekend he went on and on about how the guilt was killing him. I don't say much, just listen and dig my fingernails a bit further into my palms each time.<P>Hang in there, take care of your daughter and yourself, and keep showing him you will be just fine without him. No begging, crying, pleading. And um...no more slapping. LOL<P>allison

I believe, I just read your posts and a few of your replies. <P>I have a very similar situation except it has been going since about dec. My H moved out in Feb. and the OW left her H in May.<P>My H's was a very intense emotional affair. He became incredibly bizaar. Polar opposite H and father (we have 3).. I thought I was going insane. I began plan A and he was softening also... She got really worried (I find things out from her H... she tells him every stinking detail). When she was worried she was losing him she moved out.. essentially throwing down the gauntlet.<P>My h became more "possessed". I hated it . He would sometimes be nice but it was so foreign... very fake. I felt that he was obsessing constantly about OP.<P>My H also will not talk. He has basically said NOTHING> all he says is it's "him" . and that he's changed. He also was only admitting to it being a close coworker, antimaterialism, missionary work bond thing.<P>Believe me it is weird!! And yes, he is depressed... and he is in counseling and has been since Feb.<P>I tried to back off a number of times and each time he would reel me back in. The last time he manipulated me into marraige counseling. We yaked all the way there and then get in the room and he gets this "possessed" voice and says "I can't talk to her...everything she says bugs me". He refused to talk about OP. said "i said I'm not talking about her... like she is some saintly thing.... (mind you, she is a married "christian" woman with 2 kids in christian schools who called herself the "office wife" to my face.<P>When we left the counselor.. he said "hey..do you want to go to dinner" where we have great conversation.<P>I got tired of it and stopped talking to him.. sort of plan B.. (hard when you have kids). He got mad at me for not talking (he tried to reel me in with e-mails and I didn't budge).. But he was still getting his fix by seeing the kids constantly.<P>Then, I went of vacation for 3 weeks... and guess what happened... it became a PA. Now there was probably some physical aspects before but I can tell you by the way he was acting he was obsessing about having sex with her.<P>I went ballistic when I found out and started D proceedings.... He still blamed me coz I didn't talk to him.<P>But you know what... Now that it is a PA I see him coming down slightly. He said he wasn't coming home when I confronted him, but I told him he would have to file. He probably will but you know what else...<P>It IS an AFFAIR now... not just emotional. and no matter what.. it will always be. For both of them. As reality sets in, wheneve it does, he will remember that each time he sees his children, me, his mom, and family and his colleagues and friends. Up until now he has had his conscience shut off and was not facing that. It will come... He thinks it wont but it will.<P>I am curently plan Aing for the first time the way plan A is meant to be.. It's for me to grow.... and I will no matter what.<P>And so will you. You don't think so now, but you will, especially if you come here. There will be more pain, hurt and anxiety, but you will end up learning more about yourself and your daughter than you ever dreamed possible.<P>I also have an 11 Y.O. (today is her BD)./ It has devastaed my children (also S 9, D, 5).They are all in counseling as well and he just doesn't get it. <P>HE's the one I feel sorry for. He is losing the most important "loves" of his life. And though I understand that you don't D your children, but your spouse, you betray both. Because, when you are so enthralled in the other relationship you can't maintain that connection with anyone else.<P>I pray daily for my H to "wake up"... But in the mean time... Plan A is for me.<P>My post is so long, but I wanted to share with you, so that you know you are not alone.<P>This is soooooooooooooooo painful, and all of here on this board are going through different stages.<P>Try very hard to take care of yourself. Affairs do have a lifespan as they say... exactly when no one knows. I'v e been on this board for 6 months. It is a life line.<P>I'll keep looking for your posts.

Thank you for your responses.<P>I am feeling better. My counseling session went very well yesterday afternoon. No what? She told me exactly what everybody else has been telling me. I am doing everything right, just keep up doing what you are doing. I know I am doing the right things but it still hurts and feels wrong. She told me there is nothing I can do for H right now. He has to live this out and wait til he hits rock bottom. Even then he may not come back. We had a good marriage. And my Plan A was getting to him. So I keep on plan A (but truely for me this time) and pray and read my bible every night. <P>He really screwed up where D is concerned. She is starting to open up to me more. She was at my parents for a sleepover (she had friends over and they slept out in the camper) and she never called him. Two days and she did not call him. She has to call at work because we do not any other number. She asked that I come home early tonight again. I am taking her to a horse show tomorrow night and she asked if we can go early - like 5:30. Her classes are not until 9:30-10. I was going to take her to another one on Sat but she decided she wants to go to the lake for the weekend. She is think of ways she does not have to be with him for any length of time. She does not want to go back to that apartment. She knows what he is doing is wrong and she does not understand why he is doing it. Last night she had to know where I was every minute. I said I was going outside and she said why, where are you going to be.<P>I am off tomorrow. I am going to domestic relations and to see a lawyer tomorrow. I will not be back on until Monday. I will be checking all day today for your responses though. Thank You!!!!!