<BR>Hello Everyone!<BR>I just registered with the forum yesterday, and I am so glad that I did. Up unil now, I have had no one to talk to about the disaster that my 10 year marriage has turned into! Thank you for reading and responding with your real life experiences that are so much like my own!<BR>My huband and I are both 32, we have 2 young children, just bought house last year, make a good living together, yada yada ya... but I am tormented that he's been in an affair with a co-worker for 2 years now. I beg him for the truth, he always denies it. He says that he would never want to leave me or our kids. His job takes him away from home for days at a time and he works 3rd shift and always works overtime. I have caught this female co-worker of his leaving sexy messages on his cell phone, I get hang up calls, found a picture of HER daughter in his wallet, found hair clips that belong to her in our car, phone bills, store receipts, notes, etc. He denies that anything I find proves he is having an affair. I am so tempted to hire a PI but have no idea on how to go about it. No idea about fees etc. I am too embarrased to just pull numbers out of he yellow pages.<BR>PLEASE..if anyone has stooped to this level of agony, how did it work out for you?<BR>THank you!<P>------------------<BR><BR>JJJ

You want to be careful about PIs...<P>They are expensive...<BR>...and sometimes not as reliable as you'd like.<P>You may want to check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000480.html" TARGET=_blank>"Snoop Tricks for Betrayed Spouses" </A>.<P> <P>Jim

JJJ,<BR>I have never used a PI but my husband took a lie detector test and completely failed the whole thing. The gentleman that gave it to him primarily uses it for child molesters but told me that in his opinion it was accurate on my husband. My husband told me a different story in that the examiner said that if my husband was so nervous it coud change the whole outcome. Also, before they give it they ask is there anything you want to confess that you may have a little guilt over. My husband said absolutely not. But when he found out he failed he suddenly remembered going on a business trip and having a lap dance "so that must have been what caused the whole test to be wrong" Believe it or not I am still with him because I put him through school and no bimbo is going to reep the rewards. I see a therapist I take meds and I have finally after being married 18 years(and that is when the stories started and items showed up) decided I am going to have fun. It is his problem, but I am not going to have to work when I can do so many things and then maybe when the kids are older I can say enough. Good luck. It is hell. Part of mine was (as my therapist says, all the signs are there but I won't believe it until I actually see him "doing" it) Good luck, pray and take care of yourself.<BR>

I know that PI's can be expensive but can also be very effective. If Belldandy is around she can help you out on this. I do know one MM who was continuously cheating and denying. His MIL hired a PI and the W was able to confront her H with a whole folder full of stuff. Also I think the PIs job can be made much easier (and less expensive) since you can actually tell him who the suspected OW is.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sheila, you really got to me. I too supported my husband during the beginning of his career and he has become very successful. I also don't care to move over so some other heffer can reap the rewards. Point blank...I just want it to STOP. I am searching my soul on figuring out how to make it all go away...and you and so many other people on the board keep telling me that even catching him in the act may not give me the result I am dying for. <BR>I am in so much pain. I feel sometimes that I have 2 personalities...the happy and the paranoid...I go from one extrem to the othr so quickly. My husband is starting to tire of me, although he understands that his deception and behavior has brought me to this "place". He wants me to let go of it. How can I do that? I love him and when I think of me and the kids without him I panic. THis is such hell on earth. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. (Except the OW...she deserves this and more)<BR>Thank you again. Please reply if you have more to say. I could use any input you have.<BR>JJJ<P>------------------<BR><BR>JJJ

I never thought I would be able to give advice... seems like I have been taking it for so long. There are many here wiser than me. But I think the first thing you need to try and do is break out of the cycle of you finding stuff, accusing and him getting sneakier and denying. Its really not doing you any good and is proably doing alot to destroy your marriage. Try and stop. I know how hard it is to find something and think... there is no way he can deny this any more... but he can! I found hearts with little arrows though them on every day he saw her. How can he call that friends??? He can. Somehow you have to face it that he will continue to deny until you make it safe for him to tell you, maybe long after this is over or maybe never. UNfair!!! I know it is. You have to deciede if you want what is fair or you want to have a shot at restoring your marriage. <P>I know , we all know here how hard it is. We all beleive you, I'm so sorry any of us have to go through this. Keep posting here and reading and don't do anything drastic until you know what you want to do.<BR>Lora

jjj,<BR>I can really feel your pain and know right where you are at. Try to find a good therapist, it took me about 6 until I did. I don't recommend drugs but he put me on some antidepressants (he is a neuropsychiatrist and knows so much about medication, so I felt okay with it, although I always get on the internet and read everything before I take it) but the biggest help was some Ativan that I took when I felt the anger and paranoia start, and I calmed down and it felt so good. What he had done, or said or what I suspected had not changed but my reaction did. I think I had gotten so deep in it that it took something more than affirmations to get that feeling. The good news is I now don't always have to take them, it is getting less and less . Somedays I never take them!! Most days I don't even care. Remember very few men ask for a divorce. I also am finding that now all the time I spent with the bad thoughts and feelings are turned to looking at other things in life and doing new things that I want to do. I finally feel happiness with me for the first time. It is driving him a little crazy too and making him wonder for the first time what is up. That's a good thing too. I don't know if we can give out our e-mails on this board, but if so I would be willing to share what I am taking that is really helping.