One thing I haven't posted much about, because it's just so hard to handle emotionally is another possible OW. I thought this woman that my H has worked with for many years, was THE OW all along, and then learned that she was not. It was another person, that lives in another state and it went on for two years. I was suspicious of the co-worker for a long time...he made LOTS of cell phone calls to her when he was in the worst of his withdrawl<P>I am still suspicious...though H tells me that she means no more to him that my close freinds mean to me. He has confided ALL to this woman. My H's career means a lot to him, and his work buddies, including OW, do a lot together.<P>Friday night, I was feeling very down because as usual, he was out with all of these work buddies, and I was here with the kids. (Just to remind you, H and I are seperated...3 mos now). Well, I wanted to know if this woman was part of their group, so I stupidly called her cell phone number. No one answered, so I hung up. I know...I regretted it the moment I did it. I don't have my number blocked.<P>H was here pretty much all weekend. Spent Sat. and Sun. nights. Took the kids to dinner, had a fairly good time, though I felt he was doing this for me, not because he wanted to.<P>I always make these posts too long...the crux of the situation is...H called me this morning hopping mad. Co-worker told him that our number came up Friday night on her cell-phone and wondered what was going on since they were together with the work group Friday night. Yep, I got busted...big time. <BR>His place of work is one place that my H feels in control and is well liked. He does not want me messing with anything concerning his place of employment. He does not want me showing up there or having anything to do with the people there. He blames me, as I was uninterested for many years in partying with this group of people. Yeah, I used to be invited to their parties and stuff, but this is a tight group and I didn't fit in. H has told me he has felt he could not be himself when I was around this group.<P>Well, I yelled at him this morning, hung up on him, and have been crying all morning. I told him I wanted to apologize to the woman I called, and he told me to back off, that he'd handle it. I did a major no-no by involving myself in his very seperate life. He is now embarresed by my behaviour, and feels like I made a sticky situation that he has to fix.<P>He has called me twice since I hung up on him, and I've gotta say...I need a break. I just don't want to see him/talk to him for a while. I'm beginning to realize that I have to look at this thing with work OW as an EA, and I don't have the energy to fight for him with another OW. This is almost scarier than his 2 year affair, because he has known this woman for 20+ years, and I also have known her that long, and know what a complete flake she is.<P>In our talks this weekend...and boy do we talk, he told me that it was not that difficult for him to get over OW. He started not returning her phone calls and ignoring her for months before they officially called it off. He says now that he does not think he has the capacity within himself to love anyone (except our kids) very deeply. Now, I know I saw a lot of withdrawl when his affair ended. He refuses to see it. But, when A ended, the phone calls with his work OW started. Did she help him out of withdrawl?<P>Damn this is hard. How can I believe that this woman is just a freind? He swears that this is the truth, and I want to believe him, but I think it's heading in a really bad direction. Should I really go out on a limb here and e-mail or call her...a major LB for H I know.<P>I can't even return my H's last phone call. I just don't even want to hear his voice right now. After everything he has done to me, how sorry should I be about one mistake I made here...he takes no responsiblility for making me nuts. He did say he was sorry I had to go through this. Right now, I'd like to make him good and sorry.<P>allison

I know this seems huge right now, and admittedly it wasn't a very wise call, but I can hardly think this is the straw that would drive your H away.<P>If it is...he is really reaching for an excuse.<P>Say you are sorry and let it drop.<P>We know how hard it can be when you seem to be picking your way through a mine field.<P>Hang on...

Allison, I agree with FHL. It is not the straw that will drive your H away. <P>I know how easy it is to beat yourself up. I'm doing it for not talking to my H..and look what happened or what he admitted to finally and now I am facing a D.<P>I also know the best advise is to say you are sorry and then let it drop...I also know how hard it is to do that.<P>We are just human beings...can't do everything perfect, especially when there is this much at stake!!!

Allison,<P>Honey, we all do things during this time, that we wish we had not done. It's ok. Apologize to your H and most of all, forgive yourself.<P>It sounds to me like you H is still in the midst of "sowing" his oats. He wants the comfort that comes from being w/ you and the kids, but still wants his "other, private life".<P>You have done such a great job Plan A-ing. Nobody is perfect. <P>Maybe a few days with no contact will put things right back on track. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's ok.<P>Hugs to you.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl<P>

Hi AZ Allison -<P>C'mere and let me give you a BIG HUG!!<P>It's OK....don't fret on it!!<P>This can actually be a very good thing, and I will tell you why.....<P>Having such a separation of work and home is not good!!! You know it, too!<P>If you are both going to make any steps towards the healing of this marriage - you have to get all these "problem" behaviors out in the open and dealt with!!! Otherwise, what is left behing festers and before you know it - back into hell you go!!!!<P>You don't want this done half-a$$, right? You want to get through this the correct way and for good, don't you?<P>So what if it takes a bit longer as long as you know that when you get there it's a keeper?<P>I believe that this happened for exactly that reason.....to help get it ALL out and dealt with. And it is something that should be addressed. How can you be partners and yet be kept out of such an important part of his life? You can't.....he has to realize that!!!<P>Although it seems that this is another hurdle....and it is.....it is a very necessary one and is a part of this whole thing....remember that it is not just the "affair" itself that we have to focus on - it is the behaviors that we have with one another within the marriage!!!!<P>Don't think of this co-worker as an OW or EA......just as part of the whole "work" thing that H has screwed up thinking about as it pertains to you.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba