Where do I begin? I have been reading all of the posts on the MB site, but this is my first time writing anything. I guess I will just explain my situation and then go from there. I am 27 years old and have been married for just over three and a half years. I met my husband online (in a chat room). I moved almost 1000 miles to be with him, and we got married a year later. We basically have had a good marriage. He is smart, funny, handsome... basically a wonderful man. It hurts so much to say that, because if he is so wonderful, why did I fall in love with someone else? <P>Seven months ago I met my OM online. (You'd think I'd learn, right?). He lives over 1000 miles away. For six months we chatted online, shared email and eventually began talking on the phone every day. My H works shift, and he feels that him being gone all the time at night contributed to the downfall of our marriage. My H discovered the EA about three months ago. I moved into an apartment a month later. I met the OM in person last month. I knew it was wrong for my marriage, but I didn't see how I could move forward, either in my marriage or out, if I didn't KNOW for sure who he was. We spent two weeks together. I thought, as much as I love my H, that being with the OM would feel "wrong". I guess I was just looking for an easy answer.<P>I hate what this has done to my marriage and my H. We have both not been sleeping or eating, and could hardly function at work. I feel like such a failure, and hate myself for hurting and disappointing him the way I have. I know everyone probably says this, but I never imagined we would reach this point. My H started counseling recently, and I am making the call myself this week. He has bent over backwards to make our marriage work. He has forgiven me and wants us to work. But I know that I have to say goodbye to someone I care very much about in order to do that. <P>I KNOW that the A is wrong, and I hate the idea of divorce. I guess that sounds hypocritical... if I love my H so much, why do I keep on with the OM, right? Those of you who have been in my position know where I'm coming from. I don't defend myself and I don't want pity or sympathy. There are days when I wake up with all the hope in the world that my marriage will somehow survive this. Then there are other days when I am so tired of hurting, and hurting my H, and I want to be with the OM so bad. <P>I've been using this time alone in my apartment to "find myself". Before I moved out, I had never really lived by myself. I moved right from my parent's house into the house I shared with my H. I know I need to get my own mind and emotions straight before I can give myself to anyone. I don't know how to find the strength to end the A. Like I said, I KNOW it is wrong, but when I was with him, it didn't feel wrong at all. He is a good man and I hate the thought of hurting him, too. <P>I know a lot of people who read this post will judge me. I can handle that. I'm guilty, I admit it, and I make no excuses for it. I guess I just needed to share my story and get some of my feelings out. My H does not want a divorce, but he is getting close to the breaking point. He is lonely and wants to move on with his life, with or without me. I understand that, and don't blame him. But I can't make myself do something or feel things that I'm not "ready" for. I would be cheating both of us if I did that. <P>I think about how wonderful he is, and how unbelievably understanding he has been through all of this, and I look back on all we have shared, and I don't know if I can give that up. But I feel so much for the OM (what everyone says is an addiction), that I don't know how to give him up either. How do I begin to sort all of these feelings out??<P>I know this was long, so if you made it this far, thanks for reading! <P>sad & hurting,<BR>lost_in_love

Lost in Love -<P>Hi, I'm sorry no one has responded to you yet. I am in training at work and have not had access to a computer.<P>I know exactly (well, not exactly, because each situation is different) how you feel. I am a WS, the only difference is that I have made a commitment to my H to try and work things out. That was four months ago, and so far things are going pretty well for us. we have our ups and downs, but it's a long road to recovery.<P>In your situation, it seems like you cannot decide which way to go - stay with your H and try to work things out or leave and be with the OM. You mentioned a lot of things in your post, but the one piece of advice that I have for you is why not try to figure out (1) if you really love your H; (2) if it is worth it to try and work things out with your H; and (3) what do you need from your H that you just aren't getting to be happy.<P>There are several books on this site that are really worth a read. The one my H and I are reading right now is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. It discusses a lot of the reasons why an A can occur.<P>As a WS, four months ago, I said some of the same things you did. The difference, I guess, is that I decided to remain at home and try to work things out. My H has been totally wonderful during this whole mess. If you want to read more about the different things I've gone through - just do a search on my username - you'll have more than enough information, LOL.<P>I think right now, you need to start thinking about what you want to do. For me, I didn't want divorce to be an option, and my moral values (like I have a right to talk about them, right ) well, I was raised that when you got married - it was for life. And I truly love my H - I still do.<P>I guess, during your time of thinking, why not try to figure out why you married your H? What qualities does he possess that you really like? What are those things that bother you? Then look at the OM, what qualities does he possess that you find desirable? What are those things that make you feel uncomfortable (One should be trust, would you ever be able to trust him - since he is fooling around/talking to a MW?)<P>The big thing for me, I always knew deep down that I loved my H more than I needed to be with the OM. The OM fulfilled some of my emotional needs at one time, but he didn't fulfull all of them. After a while, I started to really look at the OM, who he was, what he represented . . .and I started to recognize the chinks in his armor. See, I always saw the OM as my knight in shining armor - the one person who would rescue me from all of my troubles, someone who could love me, someone who would take care of me. Funny, I thought the same thing about my H when we got married.<P>The thing is, there is no gaurantee that "things" will be better with the OM. With your H - you've been together through the good times, why not take some time to work through the bad times? Whatever you decide, you should be sure that you don't have any regrets. When you look back on this 5 years from now, would you regret not trying to work things out with your H? My answer would be probably.<P>I know this is getting long, but why not try to figure out yuor feelings for your H, try to see if you can work things out. Then, if they do, great. . .If they don't work out, at least you tried, right? <P>There are a lot of WSs on this site who have been in the same position you are. So, don't be afraid to post your feelings or ask for advice - that's where I started. Today, I can honestly tell you that I love my H more than on the day that I married him. He's amazing - he loves me even after all that I have put him through - and that should count for something.<P>If your H is willing to try and work on your marriage, I think that is wonderful. Think about it, but don't run from your problems. Leaving your H to be with another man probably wouldn't solve your problems - only add to them.<P>Yes, as you can probably tell, I advise a lot of WS to give their spouse a chance. I guess the way I think about it, is that even though I made a mistake by having an affair - at least I am - now - being true to my marriage vows.<P>I won't lie to you, you have some tough decisions to make. I had to make the same ones. I am just so thankful that my H is here to support me. I don't know what's right and what's wrong, I just know that my H and I CAN have a happy and stronger marriage.<P>I think that a lot of people on this site will NOT judge you, they will only offer you advice and support. Ultimately, though, the decisions are yours to make. My advice, try to make mental lists on what you stand to lose by leaving your H and what you stand to gain? Ask yourself why you married your H in the first place. . .Try to focus on your relationship with your H first - that is real. The relationship with the OM, well, while you may care for him, what happens when reality sets in? <P>I think we all want a fairy tale ending - to live happily ever after - for me I found that again in my H, not the OM.<P>Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you - I do know how difficult this is and will try to give you advice on how to break off the EA - if you decide to break it off with the OM. Again, I don't have access to a computer as much as I'd like, so if you want any advice or have any questions, just let me know. Take care . . .