Hi Buff,<P>You have always been there for me and your help is always something I pay attention to. You cut thru all the bull and give it to me straight. <P>So, you know where my H and I are right now. He's playing a game. I avoid contact for emotional distance (it's needed, I cry and get very depressed aft contact) and he starts to pursue me relentlessly. I am still in Plan A but only from a distance.<P>I look at his behavior as he wants something he can't have, and is also worried I'm moving on with my life, which I was but only to better myself (Plan A). <P>I feel my H does not want OW for good, otherwise he would have moved in with her, right? Plus he has said things about OW that make be believe that their relationship is based in Guilt from OC and raw sex. So what I'm saying is my H is smart enough to know she cannot meet all his needs. But she still is a factor. If she was to dissapear today I know my H and I would be back together.<P>Okay, so my question. Well I need to know why I can't seem to Plan A w/contact without LBing, I try my damnest but our conversations always lead to LBs from him and LBs from me. I cry and even scream sometimes. Do you think I've exhausted Plan A and now it's time to really switch to Plan B? A last resort???<P>Hope you are doing okay, Hon. Why don;t you give me an update on this thread on how you're fairing.<P>Thanks Buffy!<P>Prayers for all of us.<BR>Jo

If I may jump in here please?<P>Yeah, it's very difficult to NOT lovebust. No, I don't believe it's time for Plan B yet. You need to learn to handle yourself around him. Let him see the good side of you. Would you want to come back to someone who is always screaming and crying?<P>Wait until he leaves & then scream, cry, yell, hit a pillow as much as you want <B>AFTER</B> he is gone.<P>Here is a very good exercise. I did it & I never felt better in my whole life. I was extremely angry, cussing & yelling (on the front lawn even). After about 10 minutes, I was so exhausted I had to stop for about 10 minutes. Then I bawled like a baby for another 30 minutes. I felt so good after that.<P><B>DO NOT DO THIS WHILE HE IS AROUND AND DO NOT EVEN LET HIM KNOW YOU DID THIS!</B><BR>Get a picture of him. [I scanned a picture of my wife & blew it up on the computer). Get a plastic bat. Put it on the bed & have at it. Curse and scream <B>AT HIM</B>! Tell him everything you feel inside. Do it until you can't anymore.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Jo:<P>I agree with you that your H is playing on both sides of the fence not just merely sitting on the fence. Mine is too. <P>The problem with Plan A is that it feeds right into this. No that Plan A is wrong, it's just that some H (or WS) are not so lost in the fog that they don't know what is best for them, but they want to continue until it has ramifications they can't ignore.<P>If you are lovey-dovey then he is comforted and knows that you are going to be there for him when he gets ready to come back....if you scream and LB then he is uncomfortable but he still knows that you care a lot and you'll probably still be there.<P>As you've experienced, the only times they truly are concerned is when you distance yourself and then they start working their buns off to draw you back and maintain the equilibrium for a while longer.<P>What do you do?<P>Well, first you have to face the fact that you can live without them. If you haven't read Dr. Dobson's article, then you need to:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003711.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003711.html</A> <P>I printed this out and carry it with me and when I feel stressed by my H, I reread it and draw strength from it. It keeps me from LBing..or it keeps it to a minimum. I have not seriously LB in over a month and a half.<P>I am continuing in Plan A because I feel I failed to supply some of my H needs for affection and attention (needs which he is still receiving from OW). If he can some day feel that he can get these needs met in our marriage then I will let him come home and begin to work on the marriage again.<BR>If not, then I will have done everything I could have done to restore our marriage and I will then move on. I will miss him as he has been a part of my life for 30 years, but I will survive and be happy.<P>You could continue with your pseudo Plan B, but I really don't think you're strong enough right now. Why don't you try letting go and continue to Plan A for a while and see how it goes.<P>The beauty of letting go is that it places the question of whether you are letting go permanently in your H's mind while he is reassured by your continuing to care in Plan A. Takes aways his comfortable nitch without being so hard on you (total separation in Plan B). <P>After all you still love the guy, don't you.<P>Buffy <P>