If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I got "caught" checking up on H and his co-worker freind. Really stupid move on my part. <P>Well, as of then, I have just sort of shut-down. I have not returned H's phone calls and when forced to talk to him today I acted and felt like a zombie. When he questioned what was wrong with me I told him that I just didn't give a sh** anymore. He said fine, he'd had those days, and we said goodbye.<P>I'm just so tired. I feel like I think about him and our marriage almost constantly. I don't feel like I am being a good mother, daughter, or freind to others. My head is constantly filled with where to go next in my plan. But really, it all depends on him doesn't it? I am totally helpless here, and have to realize that I can't help him anymore, it's just taking too big a toll on me. He told me Sunday that the reason he doesn't go to a psychriastrist is because he has me...I'm his shrink. I can't fill that role for him anymore...can't take it. Hurts too bad.<P>H is going away for a vacation tomorrow, thank God, and I am making a point to be gone tonight when he comes to see the kids. I just want to avoid him at all costs right now. I'm tired of this game. Did I go into Plan B without meaning to? I don't want to do Plan B, but I just can't take being H's buddy right now, and hearing all the details of his affair. <P>I'm already on anti-deps, so that suggestion will not help me here. I just need a break. Hey any single parents out there...you have my utmost admiration...whew, it's tough.<P>allison

Maybe it IS time for you to go into an official Plan B...<P>I don't know, but maybe you should re-read the Plan B info and consider whther it is time to apply it...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

AZ,<P>Hi Hon! Listen, you are just needing some emotional distance right now, don't go to Plan B, it's not needed. I really don't think your mood is permanent, you're a damn good Plan Aer if I may say so.<P>You're gonna get that break from him while he's on vacation and you'll be able to re-group and come back stronger than ever. Just somehow take time for yourself. Get a friend or relative to take care of the kids and do something nice for yourself. This is an order, AZ. You deserve to reward yourself for all the hard Plan Aing you've been doing.<P>I have a question ... do you allow your H to tell you about the OW and his A with her??? Man oh man, how do you do that? Does he ask your advice and give you details? I don't know Hon, I just don't know if I could take that. I'm not what I consider a jealous type but my feelings run really deep for my H, I want you to tell me how to do it. Tell me your secret of tollerating him talking about OW to you. It may help me in my situation.<P>Take care and prayers for you!<P>Jo

I've been following your story for awhile. You seem to have a very tender and balanced heart. You even sound "human" at times! <BR>Don't feel bad or apologize for that.<P>Your husband has to know he is a huge part of the reason for you having days like that.<P>You didn't blow anything. Hang in there az!

I feel just like you.....I'm just getting sick and tired of it all. My H talks to me like we're just the best of friends...."isn't it nice we can still be friends?" he asked the other day.<P>FRIENDS!! THAT is not how friends treat each other and I told him. I also said I WILL NOT listen to anything he has to say about the OW. Period. I'm still trying to Plan A, but he's taking total advantage of it and acting like he has the best of both worlds....still has his best friend (me) and also has the excitement and great sex of the OW.<P>Looking back, I wish I would have just kicked him out the first day....d-day! I wish I would have had the "uterus" (i.e. balls) to do it, even tho that's not what I really want.<P>Now I feel like it's too late....that Plan B....filing for Divorce, etc.....nothing will really affect him. He's already moved out and considers us divorced. He'll just think "cool, she's doing all the work." That's how he's always operated...leave things until the other person (me) finally has enough and does it.<P>I don't want to be divorced and but I also don't want to keep "hanging on"...to what? More unfulfilled hopes? Getting my expectations up and being dissappointed again? I still have days where it just kills me all over again. And the longer it goes, the more my hope goes down the drain.<P>When do you call it quits?<P>

Hi guys, and thanks for your help. Maybe it will help me get out of this "funk".<P>Kam...as soon as I'm done posting this I will go read the Plan B info again. I have kind of avoided reading it, but that was a bit of really good advice..thanks<P>Resilient...How do I tolerate hearing about his A? Well, literally the fingernails in the palm do the trick. Keep in mind his PA has been over for several months...no contact for 4. I get info from H for several reasons. I wanted to know what she gave him that I didn't. I wanted to know how it ended, and why. It's a double edged sword. I ask, he is more than willing to tell, then I'm sorry I asked. Guess I need to put a stop to it, but it kinda helps me in a way too. When I was checking up on him Fri. night it was not because of OW, it was because I wonder about H and a woman he works with...different broad...and I'm hoping to God that he and she are just work buddies.<P>Lighthouse, thank you so much. You brightened up my day. All of our hearts here are too darn tender on some days. Wish I could toughen mine up a bit. <P>Mrs. O....I don't know how long is too long. Some days I think I've had it (like today) and then I read posts by people like Lor who have gone through much more hell than I have and are just doing wonderfully. I guess that's what keeps a lot of us going, the hope of being a success story. It's hard, isn't it to keep going? Keep in mind Mrs. O that I did sort of kick H out after discovery, and you and I are still kind of in the same boat. Don't second guess what you could have/should have done. We are doing the best with what we have (messed up H's) and that's all we can really do.<P>allison <P>

Allison, I think the advice is right on the money. Keep in plan A. Check my response to your response on my post.<P>But an emotioonal break does not hurt! It helped me in many ways and even though H got mad and then turned it all around on me and told me they were sleeping together...it still helped. It did push my H out of a stalemate...even if it was in anger.<P>I really needed the vacation. My whole social life has changed since it was so tied up with his work friends. And like I said, most of my neighbors work with H.. so I can hardly escape it. A lot of the other things I did here involved the auxilliary...well can't do that either...so I can't wait to start school in 2 weeks!!!!<P>But I would think long and hard befor a formal plan B... It is NOT easy! especially with kids here. They get their home fix by seeing the kids..and then run off to lala land.<P>I know for me a formal plan B with or without the D, will be when I relocate 6 hours away at the end of the school year to be near family (his..i don't have any)

Allison:<P>Fridays...Fridays....they're are my weakness. After a week of being "best friend" to my H, it's as if he just forgets about me for a couple of days.<P>But I don't let him see that...it's business as usual to him.<P>I also have to draw the line at discussing OW with H. He only tells me what he thinks I want to hear unless I press him...which I don't. I have all the answers I need regarding the OW and H after all this time.<P>I think your continuing to discuss this with him is probably too taxing on your emotions.<BR>This is hard enough without inflicting pain on ourselves we don't need.<P>You probably need to fall back and regroup more often then you are..you have to take time for yourself...realize that you cannot control this situation...you will burn out if you don't.<P>Don't know why we have "bad" days, but we all do. But the controlling switch is in our heads and we have to learn to switch it off. <P>Buffy<BR>

I am still in Plan A - will be for a while.<P>H just left Friday to live with OW. Whole situation very confusing and makes no sense.<BR>Read H left-used D to get to me in General Questions and H left-how do I plan A in Plan A/Plan B. I really could use input.<P>My question to all of you in this post is how do you get them to talk? When will he start talking? I'd give just about anything for him to talk to me. I do not understand anything and he isn't saying anything. Even when he does talk right now he contradicts himself in the same sentence.<P>Please help me not to push and LB.<P>

Thanks again all for your great replies. You really make me think.<P>TT, you hit the nail on the head. H comes home very often for his family fix. He's even called it that!!! He spends the night on quite a few occasions. I have encouraged that. BUT...I think I've learned something from your posts. H will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to not spend time alone in his apartment. So, by letting him come and go from our home I am just enabling him from being alone. Why does he have to decide anything or feel lonely when he can come here whenever he wants, flop in front of the big-screen and stay as long as he wants while I scramble around making him comfortable. Isn't that just making this all very easy for him? Belive me, if he's not sleeping here, he's bunking with one of his well intentioned buddies after they get finished fixing him dinner...they just feel SO sorry for him living in that bad 'ole apartment....gag<P>Buffy, Fridays, huh? Sundays here. He goes back to apartment...we miss him. Interestingly Mondays must be hard on H because he has shown up here on a few Monday mornings out of the blue to have coffee with me.<P>I Belive...I'll post on your thread, but I just want to say that getting my H to talk isn't an issue here. He is and has always been a huge talker...now listening, that's another story. H is a salesman, has personality plus...loves women, has entertained me and my freinds for years with his conversations and stories. Now, drives me crazy talking talking talking about himself and his "journey".

Personally, I'd plan B. He seems content to continue w/his A as long as he still has you as a friend. I wonder how long that would last if he lost his best friend? 99% of the time, when the wife is left and the WS moves in with the lover, they come back to the wife when they see what they've lost. Maybe it takes losing your friendship for awhile if that's what he values most. Just a thought.<P>Ali

Hi Allison,<P>I wish things were going better for you! I know where you're coming from though. Although, my H and I still talk and starting our first counseling session tomorrow, I feel I am in a self-imposed plan B. For some reason I am EXHAUSTED to point where I don't mind not hearing from him. I haven't initiated a call, a date, nothing. I am in need of some R&R. I keep giving, giving and giving; so now I am giving to myself. I need a break! I don't want to think, feel, nothing. <P>H is not seeing OW anymore! The affair ended quickly (less than a 3-1/2 mos.), but the damage is done. He is living by himself, but we talk and do things occasionally. It's now on to healing! Tomorrow begins another chapter of this trauma, but I feel I will be fresh and ready. It's been about a week since we have spoken, it actually been a relief to not have to Plan A 24-7!<P>Personally, I think an emotional reprieve now and then is healthier than burning out on Plan A! Hang in there and do something nice for you for a change!!! After all no one else is going to nurture us for the moment!<P>Take care and be well, sdn

Allison, yes, my H was coming here often to get a fix. But it was NOT the REAL him.<P>And he was constantly saying "i've got questions and no answers" (never telling you any more like what the questions are!!!) or "I'm muddling through" or "I'm sad and confused".<P>Leaving for 3 weeks stopped that fix. I could sense while I was away that something had changed. ONe night when he was talking on the phone to the little one, she got distracted by her cousin and wasn't talking for about 30 seconds... he hung up on her! What a baby!<P>So I guess now that he has finally jumped her bones or visversa, he is not confused. But you know what... he is not happy! HA!<P>So, if he wants a married emotional mess of a woman who will give up her kids, be apart of the loss of respect from his familiy friends and colleagues... hey.. go for it.<P>It was my brother who said this.. Well gee what does she get. A married man who will have to support 3 kids and a wife through more education and who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.!!!!!<P>I, on the other hand, will have my self respect... I will be pleasant and cooperative, I have the kids... I will go back to school and find a great job, and I have his family for support!!!!<P>I sound pretty smug don't I... don't be fooled... I'm still in pain!!