Someone, anyone, please <BR>help!! As my name states, <BR>I'm in emotiona turmoil. I <BR>have strong suspicions that <BR>my husband is seeing another <BR>woman, but despite my crying <BR>out to him for the truth, he <BR>continues to deny that <BR>anything is happening. I <BR>feel like I'm going crazy. I <BR>love him so much and am so <BR>overwhelmed with my <BR>suspicions, that I am unable <BR>to work, eat, sleep, or even <BR>be a mother to my children. <BR>My every moment is spent <BR>wondering where he is, what <BR>he is doing, who he is <BR>talking to, etc... How do I <BR>get him to admit to it? <BR>We've been through this twice <BR>now, and I trust my instinct. <BR> He is always at work, and <BR>when he's home, he's <BR>constantly finding reasons to <BR>go to work. I have no proof, <BR>no evidence, but how do I <BR>shake this feeling? I have <BR>pleaded with him. I've told <BR>him to just tell me the truth <BR>and we could work it all out, <BR>but he continues to deny <BR>anything and has moved his <BR>clothes out to an apartment. <BR>He says that if I can't <BR>believe him that we don't <BR>have a marriage. I want to <BR>believe him and I've tried to <BR>but I cannot. Please help. <BR>Should I bend over backwards <BR>to make him happy? Should I <BR>hire a p.i.? Should I tell <BR>him to move out? I don't <BR>know what to do. I've never <BR>felt so "out of control". <BR>I'm in complete misery. I <BR>love him more than anything <BR>and could not imagine living <BR>without him. I do blame <BR>myself if he is infact having <BR>an affair because he has told <BR>me for a long time that I <BR>wasn't fulfilling his needs. <BR>I feel very sorry now, and <BR>want a second chance. I'm <BR>afraid it's too late. He <BR>continues to tell me he loves <BR>me and I believe he does, but <BR>I also believe he loves <BR>someone else. We have two <BR>children, ages 7 and 4, and <BR>needless to say, this has had <BR>a devastating effect on them. <BR> Please, someone help. I <BR>need advice. I have no one <BR>to talk to about it. I just <BR>don't want anyone knowing our <BR>private issues. I look <BR>forward to hearing from you. <BR>Thank you in advance.<BR>

Hi,<BR>I know exactly how you feel because I am going through the EXACT same thing. Why do you have these overwhelming suspicions? What do you know? Do have an idea of who? Why exactly did he move out? Because of your accusing him? Please tell us more...<P>Besides the part where you say he works all the time and when he's not, he looks for reasons to go and the part of him moving out, it sounds like I could have written this post b/c it fits my situation to the T. That's why I'd like to know more, to compare, and maybe we can help each other.

Emotional,<P>You are not alone. I have been where you are and I am sure many more people here have also. I have gone through the same thing with my wife. The way your husband is acting and treating you, he probably is having an affair. At least he's acting the same way my wife was before I found out about her affair. Even if he is not having an affair he owes you the respect to appreciate your concerns and to be honest with you about what is doing when he is gone. If he can't be honest about it he is hiding something. Has your husband been talking about a friend(female) lately that made you feel uncomfortable. If so that would be the first person to suspect. Based on what happened to me when I first found out about my wifes affair, I would suggest that you might want to get yourself some help taking care of your kids. Don't worry about other people finding out about your husband leaving you. You should not be the one to be embarressed, he should. If you have grandparents, relatives or other friends that can help you with the kids, let them. Real friends and family will be there for you and your kids. Get your kids safe so you can concentrate on you. Take care of yourself by forcing yourself to eat well, sleep or rest as much as you can, an avoid things like to much caffine, alcohol, etc. They only make things worse (I know from experience). If you need to, take a week off work and get away. I went and stayed with my folks for a week when my wife moved out. Wish I would have stayed longer. The key to getting through this is to worry about you. Let your husband worry about him self. You might want to get some books on affairs and read them. I would suggest "After the Affair" by Janis Sbrahms Spring or "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley (you can order it from this site). The more you can learn about what your going through and why the affair might be happening the better. <P>Get the kids safe, eat right, rest, and learn. Just go day by day and take care of you.

When you've been through it twice, you will be suspicious. At least that is what I find, I can't rely on my gut because it has been proved both wrong and right. Sometimes it's just PMS...<P>You need to see a counselor, if you are not already. This board is wonderful and you'll find support here nearly 24 hours a day--most of the time, but there are times you'll slip through the cracks. You need a real person in your life to talk to. Steve Harley, connected with this site, does phone consultation and is considered wonderful by most who have used him.<P>Also, consider anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds. It will help you regain control of your emotions and sort things out better.<P>Just from my personal experience of having my H move out 6 times, the liklihood of your H being involved with someone is very high. Demands for "space" and "you don't trust me" (which it sounds like he has not earned back with accountability) are just ways to make you back off.<P>If counseling & meds aren't an option, read the material on this sight, especially SURVIVING THE AFFAIR. Go to Plan A, which is no "lovebusters" no angry outbursts, no selfish demands, no thoughtless decisions, no judgments.<P>OTher good books on the subject (many can be found in libraries or on Amazon):<P>HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED by Chapman<BR>AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs<BR>YOUR HUSBAND'S MID LIFE CRISIS by Conway<BR>TORN ASUNDER by Carder<BR>DIVORCE BUSTING by Weiner-DAvies<P>Take care of you and your children. You can't control your husband. Yes, you may have not been a perfect, or even a very good wife, BUT (!)you did not cause his affairs--that was his choice, he could have come to you and worked with you on his marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

i'm in the same boat....just found out last month that my husband had an emotional affair for the last 4 months...and hasn't loved me like he should for the last year......i too have a child and know what its like to be in the situation, i just look to my daughter for postitive mental support. she is my main concern, and my husbands too, but we try to make daddy feel loved and i always try to think that the OW WILL NEVER LOVE HIM LIKE I DO!!!! i will pray for you tonight, and you will get the best support on here, thank god for all of you--------

Thanks to you all for your responses. It helps to know I'm not alone. Are there any ideas in how to get him to admit to the affair? Should I continue to check up on him? Should I continue to question his whereabouts? Or, should I love him with all my heart, and hope his needs will be met by me and he will end it himself? I can't continue to go on like this. I could handle the truth much better. It's the not knowing and the deceit that I cannot handle. This may sound corny but I don't know if I can carry on without him. I love him so much and want so bad for our marriage to work. What can I do to win him back? I'll do anything. I just feel so alone and need his love so bad. Should I be the cold hearted one and ask him to move out, thinking maybe he will realize how much I mean to him and end the affair, or will it just lead him to her more? Please respond...

Asking your husband to move out is not cold hearted. Him not being able to be honest to you is. There is probably not to much you can do to force your husband to admit to an affair. If you can't deal with his dishonesty anymore then do ask him to move out, but only if you can follow through with it. You have every right to continue to ask about his whereabouts and if he continues to not be honest you will get more and more frustrated with him.