A question.<P>In your opinion, do you feel it's time for me to go to Plan B?<P>Been at this since 25 Dec last year. As you know, we have very little contact. I still feel good (relatively ).<P>Just seeking opinions, I won't jump the gun without Steve's advice.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris,<P>You and terri are in different situations than most. You're in Plan A, but with your spouse gone, you don't have the constant irritation of the affair chaffing at you (although I know that it's still bad).<P>What's the real gain to going to Plan B at this point? "No contact" isn't going to mean much, because you don't have contact with her now. She's already separated and "living the fantasy" with everyone's knowledge, so the affair is out and real. It seems that if YOU don't need plan B now, that it wouldn't be much of a restoration tool for your wife. <P>The only other real option would be to file for divorce. If you wanted one, that'd be my recommendation. But I know you don't; and I think that we both agree with the serious drawbacks connected with using the threat of a divorce to spark a reconciliation.<P>Stock up on Coke (or is it Pepsi... ) and give Steve a call.

Without the irritation of her around, I guess I'm sorta lucky in that respect. But you're right it sure hurts!<P>I guess I was thinking/hoping Plan B would do something to her. I know that is not the reason for doing it, but jeez, it's real easy to give advice, but not follow it isn't it? Perhaps hire a deprogrammer & lock her in a remote cabin for a month or two & show her pix of wankboy with little kids or something? LOL<P>Divorce? HAH! I laugh at divorce! I laugh in the face of heartbreak! Go away divorce, I condemn thee!<P>Coke time!<P>Thanks K.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris and K...<P>I don't mean to butt in... but...<BR>How long is long enough for Plan A?<P>My situation is not exactly like Chris'...<BR>I see my W (for about 10 minutes)... every other weekend...<BR>My W still says... "I'll never come back..." and is always <B>angry</B> with me... i.e. looks, expressions, words...<BR>OM is still very obnoxious(I'm being very generous here)... with me... when we have to see each other.<P>But like Chris' situation...<BR>I have the kids(3)... since she left 8/28/99...and...<BR>I have been Plan A-ing on and off until I found MB 9/27/99... and full time (very consistant) Plan A-ing since...<BR>No signs of any remorse... desire to rebuild...<BR>Just signs that she wants to live in this "fantasy world"... and her anger seems to reflect that my Plan A... is interferring with that world.<P>Maybe it's time for me to also consider talking to Steve?...<P>I have tentative plans to go to Plan B in late January or early February... Because of the constant (verbal... attitude... emotional) abuse she dishes out... I think I'm starting to loose too many love units for her... When is enough... enough (rhetorical)?<P>Jim

Jim,<P>I think that you ought to give Steve a call (there's a big surprise!).<P>If you're starting to lose those feelings of love for your wife, you're close. I think your timeframe is sound---doing it before the holidays is going to be perceived as punishment by your wife. You don't want to wait too long---going from plan A to divorce. But I do remember how the rollercoaster felt, and one moment I could go on in Plan A "forever"---the next day, I'd be ready to quit.<P>Give Steve a call.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...one moment I could go on in Plan A "forever"---the next day, I'd be ready to quit.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That's me.

I am intruding here...sorry!<P>K, with all my stress about doing the STRICT PlanB letter and then DOING it, I am going to ask Steve on Friday if I can wait and do this after the holidays. I hope he doesn't try to tell me NO, 'cause then I will probably do what he says and agonize over it!<P>I can't help it - I am a wimp, I guess! You can not imagine how much this is stressing me out........the whole d@mn thing!!!!!!!!<P>Desiree<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA:<P>In general, Steve never told me I "had" to do something, he just suggested courses of action, and we discussed the pros and cons of each before arriving at a path that I would (usually) follow.<P>By all means discuss it with him. There are lots of rationalizations to hold off. I think his recommendations will depend on how he thinks you're doing with everything. Remember, holidays can be pure hell with a spouse who's having an affair. Mine was.

Oh goody! Looks like she'll be spending Christmas with wankboy, his parents & family! After just spending some time with her family, maybe it'll shake her up a bit, eh?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Yeah, it's a possiblity.<P>Christmas was hell for me. But it was probably worse for my wife. It was around this time that I got my first-hand demonstration of "manic"---she went from hopeless despair to bouyant optimism in a few days. Of course, I was going from optimism to despair at the same time, so it didn't help things...<P>I'll tell you what, folks. I don't miss that stinkin' rollercoaster one bit. No sir...

K,<P>Sorry, I don't know your story. Are you and W together and in recovery? Can you please post a brief summary of your situation? <P>Oh, and YOU made me call Steve Harley with all you pushing to SHA, I felt the vicarious jab. Talking to him again pn Friday.<P>Roll Me Away<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Oh yeah. I found out on Christmas & the next day, plus our eight year olds b’day is 27 Dec and our 20th anniversary is 5 Jan. Plus they are currently unemployed! How much more could I ask for? (At least in respect to her being in a difficult situation)<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Wow ... I feel honored to be mentioned here in this thread. Really ... I mean that!<P>As far as Plan A and Plan B ... I honestly feel that there are different ways we have to deal with different people. My husband, for example. I don't think a traditional Plan B is the answer even when I'm ready for no contact. I think if/when I am through Plan A'ing, I'm going to have to do a modified Plan B, just as I am doing a modified Plan A at this point. By that, I mean I will not "bar" him from contact with me specifically, simply let him know that I realize I have to go on with my life and I will not be there for him as long as he is with her.<P>There are limits to all of our endurances ... and I sure do understand that rollercoaster stuff! Recently I think my rollercoaster ride has picked up speed between the highs and lows - I feel like I swing a lot and quicker lately, but the highs are not as high and the lows are not as low... that could simply be because I've learned better coping skills!<P>I've been Plan A'ing now for nearly 15 months. Is that a record? <P>I take a great deal of comfort from the fact that the statistics talk in terms of years, not weeks or months - when one is in a whirlwind of emotional confusion as our betraying spouses are, years go by pretty quickly. Even I was shocked at how quickly a year went by. And I find that I am dealing much better with his absence by not attaching so much emotion to the "missed times" - an example of this is the "millenium" celebration. I am following the Chinese calendar this year ... Actually, I've been fortunate enough to have been invited to a house-party with some of my closest friends for New Year's Eve. I am almost looking forward to it now!<P>Yes the holidays can be horrible. If you let them. For those of you with children at home, in some ways I envy you, because you will be able to see their happy, excited faces in the morning ... My cats don't particularly care about Christmas - it's just one more day to tear the house apart for them <P>Really, cherish your children and family if your spouse is not with you ... they love you and it WILL fill your heart (your eyes, too, but then, Christmas always had that effect on me).<P>I guess I'm done rambling for now ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>