Short story we had problems and she had an internet affair, and I found out. Then found this website and trying to work things out. Now I am trying to change and meet her needs and be there for her, but ,in my mind anyway, it doesn't seem like she wants to change or is even really trying. When I found out about the IA she was out of town visiting relatives. I flew down a few days later so we could try and work it out. Every day when I was down there she had to check her e-mail at least once a day if not more to see if another guy she knows had sent her any messages. And if I said anything aboutit she got a little bent out of shape. This when we were supposed to be working on not getting a divorce. Now that we are back home she still has to get on every day and check her e-mail and also post to a bulletin board that this guy is on. And post messages to other guys there as well. Plus she stays up late hoping to talk to this guy or other guys on that particular BB. The one guy though hapeens to live in our town and she had a relationship with him before we ever met. And when I say that I am uncomfortable with all this she mostly just blows it off. AND THAT HURTS. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do???

Dear Pegasus,<P>I am not sure what you can do about this if anything. Let her be who she wants to be and show understanding. She is Addicted to the feeling she gets when she gets the attention desired online. This is a definate problem but what to do about it is a tough one. <P>Has she been depressed? If so she may be self medicating herself with this high she gets with these online affairs. We are complex beings so it is hard to tell. <P>I would think if you tried to find out what EXACTLY she is getting from these A's then you could try to meet that need. Is it attention? Admiration? Conversation? could be all of them. <P>Best of luck to you and God Bless<BR>Tex

pegasus, she doesn't have to change, ever.<P>If you want changes in your relationship then you have to do the changing. You have to find out what her needs are and meet them. You have to find out what her LB's are and not do them.<P>You are the in control of changing only you.

Unfortunantly, and truthfully, you can't change her. What ever she is going to do, she is going to do. As hard as it will be, I would suggest focusing on yourself and your future. Fight the good fight(as a wise mynabird once told me) of course and let her know you love her but realize you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.<P>I'm in a very similar situatio where my W is in a suspicious relationship with a former mentor of mine. I have often expressed that the relationship made me uncomfortable and she reacted along the same lines as your W. She blows me off. In the end, I can't make her end this relationship if she chooses not to. I do my best by telling her I love her, etc. Hopefully it will influence her life choices. <P>Hope everything works out.<P>AC2

pegasus, the advice is right on the $.<P>We can only change ourselves. I do think that there are most likely underlying issues in your W. But until she recognizes that, there is not much else you can do but try to meet her needs, not LB and work on yourself.<P>

Thanx for the advice. I just hope we can work it out. <BR>