To all who responded to my post, thank you, good to know that i'm not the only one who feels like this or is going through this...i just found out last month on our 7 year anniversary that he was having an affair "without sex" but came close to it several times.....he assures me that it is over and wants to be with me and wants to work it out...but am so scared,yet so happy that he stayed home and decided not to move out to be with the OW (incidentally, she is almost 20 years older than my H which is a good laugh)....i really want to work it out with him and he does the same, but its just so hard when i think that he held her with his arms that held me, kissed her with those lips that kissed me, told her that he wanted to be with her when he was coming home to me and then was deciding to move out to be with her....there are days when i feel like i would rather die than to have to go through this heartache, it hurts so badly!!! but thank god i have a beautiful 5 year old daughter, she is my god send....i just want it to end; what the hell did i do to deserve this????? i am a very dutiful wife and my husband is told this often, so what the hell did i do?????? he says its because i didn't show him much affection, attention, devotion, interest,,,,,,,we have a 5 year old child----when she would go to bed, i was all his, undivided attention and all, i would make time for him everyday, do special things for him, romantic things. He says it has to do with work, his family badgering him for numerous things and he put me on the back burner, he said sometimes he wasn't happy at home due to those things...but OW made him happy, he didn't have to worry about those things.....god, what did i do????? I'm still trying, everyday i put a note in his lunch and tell him how i love him and can't wait for him to come home,wait and eat dinner with him after Buggie goes to bed, i even go to bed with him when a part of me doesn't even want to touch him, but i'm still making the effort.....he says i'm only doing these things because i know that she did them.....that is not true, i do them because i still love him, he says he doesn't understand why i took him back and that makes him want to love me even more, but doesn't know how.....i don't want a divorce and neither does he, but i just want to work through this, and its so hard, just so hard!!!!!!

I know exactly how you feel. Those feelings are mine as well. My husband did have sex with his OW(one time-they live 16 hours drive apart). That just tears me apart. It hurts that he would have left me for her at the snap of her fingers even before they had actually met face to face.(their affair began through work over the phone and via emails). He still hasn't committed completely to working on our marriage and that hurts as well. There is so much hurt right now but there are so many other reason's to go on. My 3 kids, and myself for example. I am worthy of love and I know it. Sometimes it's hard to believe but it is always in the back of my head. Anyway just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feelings...I'll be thinking of you and keep you in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Lost:<BR>Let me try to shed some light on your situation. My wife and I both betrayed each other. Neither of us thought the other would ever have done such a thing. It was devastating for me to think she could be so intimate with another man. "Intimate" referrng to those little things that mean so much to a woman (touching, talking, listening, complimenting, etc.) My affairs had nothing to do with intimacy--just sex. We had a good sex life at home so why did we go elsewhere? She did because OM gave her the intimate attention I didn't. I did because when I turned a cold shoulder toward her and if didn't have sex at home I went elsewhere. We love each other very much. We both made mistakes. OP is not in the picture with either of us so we can begin rebuilding. After listening to her and my spiritual counselor I am beginning to realize that she wasn't in love with OM, but rather in what he was providing her. It has only been six weeks since discovery, but we have the most wonderful relationship. It is almost as though we have been reborn. I really believe that God allows things to happen to us for a reason. Instead of us living in parallel we are now focused on being one. My biggest fault in dealing with her is not letting go of the thought of what "she" did to us by loving OM when in reality I was the one who pushed her to him by not providing her with the emotional needs necessary to make her happy with me. I pray I'll never be so thoughtless again.<P>Because of what has happened to us we now have an opportunity to live the rest of our lives together with a love for each other that is far greater than anything we have ever had.<P>____________________________________________<P>"It's the little things that mean so much!"_<p>[This message has been edited by CRC (edited December 08, 1999).]