For those of you who don’t know my story, it has been 6 months since D-day. My W who has an affair has never left the house. Physically, she is with us (me and our two kids), but her heart and her love were with him. She’s stopped a physical contact since late June, but continued to talk to him via a cell phone almost every day if not that. They work at the same place. Anyway, here is my situation:<BR>Since D-day, every time we talked we ended up with the argument. It led us to nowhere. Only made us feel angry with each other. She told me to leave her alone. She did not want to hear about the affair thing or mention OM. At the same time, she did not want to talk about us either. She kept telling me there is no “US” any more. She did not feel for me any more because she did not love me. Her love for me was dead a long time ago (9 years ago) that what she claimed. We have been married for 14 years. All she wanted right now is for us to go to the silence mode about us. The only talk that we can talk about is the kids’ stuff and the household chore. <P>Here is what’s happened so far. For two months now, I could even count how many words I said to her or she said to me. Sometimes when I got home from work, she was already in her room (we were in separated room for aloooooooong time now). I would love to spend time with her, but she wouldn’t let me. She did not want to spend any time alone with me what so ever. But it is OK to spend time together as a family (me, her and the kids). My question is how I can break through this barrier of silence or not “wanted to see you or talked to you”.<P>In her heart and in her soul, she’s already divorced me, she claimed. That is the reason she did not want to reconcile. But if I asked her to go for the official paper, she refused to do so because she did not want me to leave the house. She still wanted me to stay for the kids’ sake. She kept telling me she would never leave her kids and the house until they grow up (in 8 years). I felt left out from my own family because the kids are very close to her. I did spend a lot of times with them, but it was not enough to my W’s standard.<P>Now, I felt so empty and lonely inside. Sometimes, I felt like I’m no longer alive in this world. I lost my feeling to myself. I don’t know what to do any more. Lately, I became silent myself. After the kids went to bed, I spent a lot of time staring at the empty wall wondering what’s happened to me, to my family, to my W. If she shut her door, how can I have a second change to make my marriage work again? It takes two to make it work. Do you think that she is still in the withdrawal phase or she really meant it when she said, “I don’t love you any more”, forget about me and move on with your life, but NOT UNTIL THE KIDS GROW UP? For now, she wanted me to feel that we are two grown adults raising the two kids.<P>Bottom line is she refused to get an official divorce or work on our marriage. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused. Please advise.<P>Thank you in advance.<P>OOOO <P><BR>

Dear OOOO,<P>I am not sure I can help with any of your worries but I was in your W's place over a year ago so I might be able to shed a little insight on your situation at the moment. And please remember that it is just temparary if you will just let it run its course. <P>Because you are on this sight I am assuming you have read some of Harley's books?! If not please please please read Surviving an Affair. This is what turned all my thinking around especially after H left me alone for about 8 months. <P>I do not think your W is completely out of love with you but I do believe she has fallen out of being "IN LOVE" with you. She obviously thinks it is wrong to tear up her family or she wouldn't be still living in the same house with you. "this is a good thing" but very difficult to keep from LBing. You must stay out of her way and tend to business. If she says "Stay away from me" then respect that. If you don't she will resent you even more. Please remember I am not an expert on this but lived it myself.<P>A little ray of hope: We have been in Recovery for 5 months now, after 1 1/2 yrs of physical and emotional seperation. He did finally move out for 10 months of that and we did try counciling but to no avail.<P>Your early morning post and your words are a sign of desperation this morning. Please remember that if you follow the rules of Harley's books you have a very good chance of making things work to your advantage and your W's. <P>Hope I helped some.<BR>God Bless<BR>Tex

Sounds as if she's in withdrawal. I don't believe recovery can begin until she breaks off all contact & you'll have to stand firm on this.<BR>Soon you'll be on the infamous roller coaster ride - one minute she wants you, next minute she wants OM. As difficult as this is, it's part of the ritual. This is the time when we all feel like LB - it's so easy to do & yet its so damaging. She'll come around hopefully. In the meantime, kill her with kindness without suffocating her. Slowly work on getting her to open up. Make sure you read all the articles here & eventually expose her to them - when she's ready.<BR>Try Plan A first & then if that doesn't work and she still insists on not making a decision, then I'm afraid you'll have to force her to by moving to Plan B. You can't spend the next X years in limbo.

Hi Offon...<P>I agree with the others that posted here. You're just going to have to wait this one out I'm afraid.<P>Your wife is not going to make any changes in her life while she still is talking to OM. I guess you need to decide if you are strong enough to stay on Plan A. This is a tough gig, I know...I'm having a Plan A burnout too right now.<P>Can you possibly get away for a day or two. My H is out of town, then when he comes back I'm leaving for a few days alone. I hope this helps us and does not drive us further apart, so I hesitate to reccomend it to you...I don't know if it will help me find the right frame of mind to go on with Plan A...but could it really hurt?<P>In the meantime, drown her cell phone. That ought to put her out of commission for a day or two. (I actually tried this with H's cell phone, but it didn't drown...darn it.)<P>Stop the LB...don't fight with her, even when she is being horrible. She is not at a point where she wants you close right now. It's a shame, because you have so many tools you can use, but she won't let you. Do your own thing when you're both home. Don't let her see you staring at the walls. Get on the computer, read, play with the kids. Let her see you living life, not playing dead. Let her see that you are perfectly capable of living a fun, good life even if she wants to sit around in a funk.<P>Maybe, just maybe, someday soon she'll join you among the living. <P>allison

Thank you Taxasgal, Searching for hope, and az allison for your responses. It meant a lot to me.<P>I was having a problem connecting to the Web at home yesterday. I kept trying and trying to connect but it just died on me. I guess it wasn’t my day. I wish I could have a freedom to post or read as much as I want to. At the moment like this, you are my only friends that I could talk to. Where I work, they are monitoring the in and out of web traffics and constantly blocking certain site where they feel that it might have an affect on the infrastructure of the system. This blocking includes almost all sites that have a web chat service or discussion group. Fortunately, I still can read and post here. That is one of the reasons that I only replied and posted a few. I took every opportunity I could have to post and read here. I would love to response to people and express my feeling and hope for them, and be there when they need help and support. But I have to be careful to not have that freedom taken away from me. I also could read and post at home, but only after I get home and my wife goes to bed. Lucky me Hah!!<P>Tex, thank you for your help on shredding some light for me. I hope this is a temporary thing on her part and hope that she wakes up someday soon. Yes, I have read some of Harley’s books, especially SAA. I bought so many other infidelity’s books as well. I’m grad to see you and your H are in recovery and wish for you and your H good luck and be successful in the months and years to come. My thought and my pray are with you. As for me I will try to do the best I can to cope with my situation and hope my dream for reunite will happen someday. <P><BR>Searching for hope, I hope that what she is right now, in withdrawal. I don’t know what to do about her contacting him via a cell phone. It was his phone, now she claimed it is her phone and she wanted to keep it so that she can talk to him a private. I believe the phone bill got send to his home or some PO box. I don’t think his wife aware of the phone neither (may be she does). I don’t know. Every time I raised the cell phone issue, she told me it is none of my business. She said she could do whatever she wants or talked to him any time she wants it to. She did not see there is anything wrong with talking to him as a friend. No one knows their cell phone number, but them two. I guess she still wanted to keep the connection and the love alive for as long as she could or until 8 years from now.<P>I will try the best I can to be in plan A for a while. But for how long? One thing she told me yesterday was may be we can spend 20 minutes a day talking about the kids’ stuff, household chore, vacation, etc… but warning me nothing about “us”, about OM, about her affair, or about me thinking of leaving the family. I hope it is a good sign so far.<P><BR>allison, I agree with you about the wait. I know it is so painful of not knowing what our future will be. I have never tried to go away on my own before, not even over night. From the past 14 years, the only time that I was away from home was when I went to my training trip twice in other state. Other than that we have always gone to places together as a family. She has never left the kids or went away without them for even a night ever since they were born. I wish I could do something about her cell phone. She’s kept it with her almost all the time or completely hidden it from me. I don’t even know the phone number. It is supposed to be a secret cell phone to use between them. He has one himself (I don’t think his wife knows about the phone). For now I will keep trying to do the best I could in Plan Aing her. I still enjoy my kids a lot. <P>One thing I have a hard time doing it right now is to go to her parent house every weekend and have dinner there. It is almost a normal routine for them to see us there along with her other siblings. I have always been there (missed a few times from the past 14 years). Only from the past month or so, I did not go. I didn’t feel like going there to pretend that I’m happy and everything is OK. None of her sisters and brothers knew about the affair, only her parent knew (I told them, my major mistake (big LB)). That was one of the reasons she still resented or hated me. <P>Again thank you all for your help and support. It meant a lot to me. Especially as a junior member, you don’t get a lot of responses.<P>OOOO<BR>

You are actually in a much better position than a lot of us having your wife at home.<P>My H said he was not staying for the kids. That they would be fine. (the oldest hasn't slept alone since he left.. the older 2 are in counseling and the 5 year old pleads with him all the time to no avail)<P>I am guilty of LB and have not had much chance to meet his needs as he is not living here and works long hours with the OP who is filling his head with nonsense.<P>If you can truly stand back from the projections she is throwing your way and try to focus on Plan A, I believe you will be successful.

No one can tell you how long to Plan A - you'll feel it when it's take to move on to Plan B.<BR>Many times I wanted to end it with my H. I had given up. That was actually my first posting & everyone wrote saying not to. What I realized is that as terrible as everything had been, other situations are a lot worse - WS leaving BS for OW/OM & coming & going - actually filing for divorce, etc. I never got to that stage. My H never left me & maybe it's because I'm pregnant - I really don't know for sure - or maybe he's just using that as an excuse because a major part of him doesn't want to leave me. Whatever the reason, I'm using this opportunity to get him to work on the marriage. Your W is there in the home - despite the reasons she has given you - so take it one step at a time. D-day for me was January & he finally made the decision to work on our marriage in May - although it has been on again off again over the past couple of months. At least now we have stretches where things are progressing. We didn't have that for months at first. <BR>ANd yes continue with the family thing. It's been working for me. H talks about how we both come from good families & how important family is. I also told his mother about the A but it wasn't a LB. I had to talk to someone. Can't keep something like this inside especially when you're pregnant! I chose her because no matter what he did, she'd never judge him & love him regardless. I didn't want to confide in my family or friends because I don't want anyone to think anything bad about him.<BR>The one problem you have is the contact with the OM. My H was still in contact with her until a couple of weeks ago but it had been dwindling off the last couple of months. They work together & now she's quitting because of him - and she can't stand the fact that I'm pregnant & people at work at talking about it. You'll read that the problem is not the OP, the problem is in your marriage & yes I agree. But I don't believe recovery is possible as long as they remain in contact with one another - & no they're not friends, friends don't help destroy your marriage. She needs to understand that the OM isn't just in her life but in yours as well as the children's. That relationship will continue to affect yours. Tell her you deserve a fair chance & you can't get that as long as OM is in the picture.<BR>Good luck