Well our counselor after our 4th session asked us if we thought about separation to see what life would be like without each other. He asked me what "I" was doing to rebuild the trust between my H and I.<P>How can you rebuild trust while you are apart? What in the world can I do to rebuild the trust I have in my H? Why is this owness being put on my doorstep? Am I completly ignorant in my thinking? Am I so stupid I've been thinking this whole time I've been working so hard to keep this relationship alive when I was actually killing it? I've never felt so horrible and lost. I didn't think this could get any worse and yet it does. How deep is this hole? Someone help me!<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

I'm sorry...I do not know your whole story, or how long you've been in recovery.<P>In general, I think it is better to recover together, rather than separated...you cannot work on things as much if apart. I'm not sure why the counselor would suggest separation, unless he feels you are really "stuck".<P>What are you doing to facilitate rebuilding trust? This is a good question. As for the onus for it being placed at your doorstep, maybe the counselor is trying to get you to think about what YOU need your H to do to repair trust, and what you need to come to terms with yourself. <P>Your H can do a lot...be open and honest with you, share his schedule & account for his time, etc. But, in the end it does come down to whether you are willing to risk trusting again. And, as someone here has pointed out, trusting him and having him be trustworthy are too different things...<P>Giving anyone your trust is always a risk..a risk that you will be hurt by someone you trusted. But, refusing to give your trust is ALSO a risk...you stand to lose the chance to rebuild your relationship. Maybe the counselor is trying to get you to see that it is time to weigh the risks on BOTH sides...<P>Kathi<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited August 11, 2000).]

If you're not feeling comfortable about this counsellor, then seek another.<BR>What steps are you taking to rebuild your marriage? If you believe they're positive steps, then continue. Your H has to work on gaining back your trust. If he takes the appropriate steps & you continue to distrust him, then there will be problems. But no one can expect you to trust your H overnight especially if he's not taking tbe appropriate steps.<BR>We've had about 10 sessions. At about #5 she told me to leave him so that he'd know what he's losing. By the 9th, she said we had great potential for a successful marriage but that it comes down to choice. Do we want to save it.<BR>The hole is as deep as you can handle.

Kathi: Dday was on 6/6. However our 2nd Dday was on 7/13 when I discovered they were still in contact. We are in a place where my H feels like he's doing everything he can and it's not helping. I feel like he is trying yet he's ready to have his space back as well. And I'm not sure I'm ready to give that. Not sure if I trust him enough yet. He's feeling like he's going to break.<P>I think you are right. I'm not sure I'm willing to trust again. I've have in some situation but I'm going very slowly. My H is getting impatient while trying not to LB. I'm not sure I'm ready to trust again. I trusted him a few times during recovery only to find out it's been broken again. So now do I need more time? I feel like everyone is telling me to separate yet I don't think my heart could take it. I feel as though I need to close the door in order to survive it and be able to say goodbye.<P>So is now the final straw? Do I say OK I'll trust you and I'm not giving you another chance? Where's the line? The trust has been broken so many times during recovery, is it too much to ask for more time to heal until I'm ready to take the risk of trusting again?<P>Thank you for sheding some light on this. You are very wise and it seems clearer to me now. Thank you Kathi. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

If the second d-day was only a month ago, I think your H needs to give you more time. Can you talk about this? Let him know that you want to trust him, and are working towards that, but it will just take time? Discuss the issue together.<P>He may be feeling you'll never trust him again. He (and you) need to know that trust can return, with time. Be patient with each other meantime. And, if the counselor continues to press for separation, I'd think about a new one...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Is re-building the marriage the aim of the counselor? The only time our counselor recommended separation was when he said we had to make a choice to go for the marriage or divorce, but this was after 8-12 months after discovery and nearly 18 months after the affair had started. You've barely begun a long, painful, forgiving process.<P>Of course, we were always separating...and other than it cuts down on the minute-to-minute stress & tension, I didn't ever see any benefit to it, just an opportunity to pursue others.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

If you view a recommendation for separation like you would view a recommendation for major surgery, you will see what you need to do. Few of us would simply take one doctor's opinion that surgery was the only way to solve something - particularly if it entailed taking out an organ which could drastically affect our normal body processes.<P>Well, separation IS like removing an organ or a limb. Make sure you have exhausted all other options prior to using that solution. And GET A SECOND OPINION!<P>Most couples do not work to rebuild trust while separated. Most do not work to rebuild a marriage while separated, either. That is NOT to say that people who are separated CANNOT choose to work on reconciliation - but choosing separation as a MEANS of attempting reconciliation is a BAD choice, IMNSHO.<P>Please, at least see another counselor once for yourself. Or make it clear to your current counselor that separation is not an option... see if he (or she) can come up with some better options. If none are suggested, it definitely will be time to seek another counselor.<P>Hope this helps somewhat.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...