It is well noted that many a pilot have lost their lives flying aircraft in conditions of zero-visibility. JFK jr. experienced what many others before him have...and that is the loss of perception of direction.<P>When a pilot is unable to read his instrument panel, for whatever reason, there are times he can actually have the sense that he his flying level or even climbing, when in fact, he is heading straight down or even into a mountain. Not being able to see clearly, his 'mind' begins to play tricks on him. <P>You can imagine how difficult it would be to be flying in a thick fog, thinking you were flying level, and your instrument panel is 'screaming' at you that you are losing altitude.<P>So it is with WS who are trapped in affairs. Their hearts/emotions are telling them one thing that they know has to be real, because it feels so real...seems so genuine. But the instrument panels of reason and 'truth' are screaming at them to change direction or altitude before they crash and burn. <P>It would be scary to fly in conditions where you can't see...and don't know how to read the instrument panel on the aircraft. Your only hope would be for a calm and confident voice in the control tower to follow you on radar and guide you through it.<P>I wonder...for many here....that are lost in an emotional fog...what their instrument panel of 'truth and reason' are??? And who's calm and confident voice are they hearing to guide them through this place where their vision is marred?<P>And do they realize that overconfidence has led to the crash and burning of many fine pilots over the years?<P>Just some thoughts on this Saturday afternoon.<P>Blessings....<P>

I think that you have made a very good analogy! It is a good way to express what is going through the mind of a wayward spouse.<P>But as for the gentle voice coming from the control tower--how many wayward pilots listen to it? That's the hard part. The pilot is defensive and thinks that he damn well knows where he is going, thank you very much, so leave me alone and mind your own business.<P>That is the mentality that we have to fight, and that is the whole reason many of us are here at MB--to learn to cope with that way of thinking. And it's so difficult watching the one you love crash and burn. Especially since it means that the wayward flight may take the pilot away from you forever.<P>Many here have come to grips and realized what this wayward spouse is feeling and the thick fog that he is trying to navigate through. I am the first to agree that it is a difficult and frightening thing that the WS faces. But, we are here for support in bringing our WS's in for a safe landing, if that's what they want. And trying to figure out if, indeed, that's what they want.<P>And of course, we need support in trying to keep the gentle voice from the control tower always gentle. That is the hard part for me.

In my case the instrument panel is broken and the gentle voice in the control tower is either silent or is speaking a language I don't understand.

What a great analogy. There are some wayward pilots that do manage to control the plane despite overwhelming circumstances and land safely. I have to think of one of my all time favorite movies... Star Wars and the words of ObiWan. May the force be with you. (we all have it inside)<P>TS.. I am sorry you are hearing a different language. I think my H has been as well. He even almost has said the same. When I would try to talk with him in the beginning he would say I couldn't understand what he was saying. Or he would say the words I said to him had no meaning. That included "what are you reading" or "how was your day".<P>Funny when I think of that. He has not been seeing me or hearing me. I might as well have been Chewboka!!!!

I've actually had my H say something real similar to this about his feelings for OW.<P>He said that if he was thinking with his sane logical mind then he would agree with me that his addiction to OW was wrong, but his "heart" won't listen to anything but how it feels when she's around.<P>So he only knows he's flying...head in the clouds...may not even matter what's up or down...it only matters that he's flying.<P>Freedom...happiness...a world of his own...lost in the clouds...heading unknown.<P>But still a familar voice in his head...whispering..faintly...come home...please come home.<P>Buffy<P>

My instrument panel was the Word of God. It is the one true constant I can rely on.<P>The pull from the emotions/heart is VERY strong and for a time I could not/would not turn from it. But no matter how strong, how foggy it got, I always had the gentle voice of God's word pressing through the fog, giving the right way to go. And through it all I knew I could not deny what I knew from His word - that no good thing would come from going against God. It was at times a difficult reality that I wished I could change, but God's Word is unchanging and it is true.<P>What else did His word call out? That nothing is impossible with Him. That no good thing would He withhold from those who walk uprightly. That in His right hand are pleasures forever and that He satisfies the desire of every living thing. And to trust in Him with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding, and to acknowledge Him in all my ways. To fear Him and turn away from evil - it would be healing to my body and refreshment to my bones. And so many more of His promises that I clung to guide me through the fog and marred vision of my emotions. Ultimately it became a decision to trust in the instrument panel of His promises, believing He can restore/rebuild marriages and create something better than ever existed before - or even appeared to exist elsewhere.<P>It was not easy. I likened it previously to "jumping out of a plane", trusting the parachute will open and you will land safely. I guess with this analogy it is likened to trusting the instrument panel (rather than what all your senses are telling you) for a safe landing.<P>Continuing the analogy - I wouldn't say I've landed yet. Not sure I can even see the ground. But I am continuing to follow the instrument panel, despite what my emotions still tell me at times, trusting that a safe landing is ahead.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited August 13, 2000).]

Lighthouse -<P>Interesting and accurate analogy.<P>Sifted -<P>Awesome response. I believe my faith in God has been the ONLY thing that has helped me break out of that downward spiral. Knowing that Jesus died for my sins - all of them - has been the only thing that has kept me on course. Luckily, God has provided me with an excellent co-pilot (my H) who has helped me to read the signals - even though I may not understand them right now. Like you, I don't feel as if I have landed yet, maybe I'll never feel that way until I am resting in peace in heaven. But, it is comforting to know that I am no longer headed for that "crash and burn." With God's love and mercy, I pulled out of this one, and all my thanks belong to Him.

Sifted, I liked your response. That is the unfortunate part for my H... he does not know to use the word of God as his instument panel.<P>I can't do it for him. I simply pray that his heart opens up to it.<P>You would think OW would, since she is the daughter of missionaries, is a Christian woman with her children in private christian schools, and the trip they went on is supposed to be a mission trip (although it is her mission)<P>INstead, I guess I will use the word of God as my instument panel... and hopefully, I will land safely along with my children, even though my H cannot seem to pull out of the downward spiral.

I was going to continue the flight analogy... but SLW beat me to it.<P>We all know that a pilot in zero visibility conditions *must* trust his instrument panel (i.e. 'do the right thing', 'stay on course', 'trust the rules', 'follow God's will'... however one describes it) - even though it flies in the face of *everything* his "guts" are telling him is true - in order to navigate safely to landing.<P>Excellent analogy, Lighthouse!<P><P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

This analogy also works for the standing spouse. As we wait the emotion says get rid of them, this will never end, hw could they do this to us. But If we fly by the instruments, God, then we know those instruments are sure and steady and there is reason to wait out their insanity.<P>In Ed Wheat's Book "Love Life For every Married Couple, he quotes Gloria Oakes Perkins' magazine article called "Fly by the Instruments," In this she compares the times of trial and emotional instability in the believer's life with the clouds, fog, and air turbulence an airplane experiences. The answer for both instances is fly by the instruments... "By experience one learns not to fight his feelings, but to look away from them to the 'instrument panel' of the Word of God which is utterly dependable.<BR>One discovers that if he will just hang on in the worst of the turbulence, no matter how disrupting, his mind and heart steadied by the great truths of the Word and his eyes intently fixed on God Himself, he will eventually break through rain-black clouds to soar once more in the clesr, tranquil atmosphere." This is the way you can gain emotional stability at this time, no matter what your situation.<P>God has finally gotten through to me and I am flying by the instruments most of the time LOL. It is indeed much more steady flying but still there are occassional bumps. For those that don't know me, [I post now mostly on the POPW forum} I have been going through this for 5+ years. Although the circumstances have not gotten better [ in fact worse in some ways this last year] I am dealing with it better. My husband is still deep in his fog, but I know that God is still working through the mess..

Control tower is loud and clear. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what i did as a WS was wrong, that those feelings should only be shared with my spouse. 'But' (all you Betrayed can start piling on now) as time wears on, i can't help but wonder if i've given up my one shot at happiness. Everythings' out in the open now, and yet nothing's really changed. I've worked through the emotions of 'withdrawal', i've talked endlessly with my wife, friends and counselors about my feelings for 'A' and yet... i'm still living a lie. I believe 'A' has definitely moved on with her life, why can't i move on with mine? Why don't i want to? Clinical depression? i'm not suicidal, i'm not constantly weepy, i can be happy, laugh and be involved with 'life as usual'. I fill my days with the Word, my wife and kids, the physical activities that i like. The world is clear, i no longer feel the fog, the heaviness of missing 'A', the meaninglessness of going on without her. And it's not helping to realize the reasons the affair happened; we both knew why while it was going on. But how do you go on when you constantly have all these campy, corny thoughts about her salvation, her well being and seeing her in heaven? I know it's still early (only 3 months since any contact) but i'm still in the same house i brought her to, i still drive the same two vehicles(she was in both), it still rains, the sun still shines, yada yada yada. 3 months, and every moment, good and bad, still come back crystal clear. Is someone's imprint on your life considered depression, sin? I guess it is if it's taking me away from my wife and kids. <BR>And now the capper. I managed to get my wife pregnant. With all the emotions still floating around everyday, she gets to deal with all the fun a relatively late in life pregnancy will bring. <P>changing my nickname to 'very scared'<P>forest

3 months, and every moment, good and bad, still come back crystal clear. Is someone's imprint on your life considered depression, sin? I guess it is if it's taking me away from my wife and kids. <P>Forest--thank you for that thought. I have been having trouble understanding my H. He told me that he cannot remember what it was about me that he fell in love with, or even what our early dating was like(we just passed our 16th ann.-a month before d-day) But he remembers every minute and every word spoken with her. Do you think he will regain any of his early memories of us, or is it likely he doesn't want to? You are in his shoes(ahead of his progress) and I value your opinion. Are the memories of the affair always going to dominate your thoughts? Please don't be offended. I really need to know what you think.<BR>

"as time wears on, i can't help but wonder if i've given up my one shot at happiness"<P>Forest, this is exactly what my H went through after he ended his A. The thing he finally realized, was that his hypothetical "one shot at happiness" was just that, hypothetical, and even more, that the pain of hurting and losing his wife and family to be with the OW would doom their realtionship. You are a very moral man, and already feel terrible about all the pain you have caused your loved ones. You have a strong concience and faith, which means you cannot just walk away from your family and join your OW to live happily ever after. It is your very "goodness" that would keep you from ever being happy with the OW. As my H told his OW as he was trying to explain his decision to give her up, "we just have too much baggage." Her arguement was that since the breaking up was so painful, it proved that it was true love, and too strong to walk away from. Of course it was painful, it is always painfull to let go of something that brought you pleasure. <P>I don't know if this helps you or not - I hope so. 2 1/2 months is nothing in terms of recovery. Give yourself much more time, stick to your convictions and have faith in yourself. Take care. <BR>

Burnedspouse-<BR>I've committed adultery, practically destroyed my wife and kids, and hurt people in our church i barely knew. You think reading someone's reply to my ventings is going to offend me? Be real. <BR>I don't know what your husband went through, but my experience was almost surreal. 'A' and myself spent so much time on the phone, emailing and then my going down to see her, the time together was so intense (sinful?), and many times we never did anything more physical then hold hands. Sounds idiotic, doesn't it? Picture a grown man, 38 years old, married for 16 years, two teenage kids at home, sitting in pizza hut with this beautiful, intelligent married woman and her 3 year old son, as if we both were leading a new, different life. Maybe that's all it was for both of us, an escape. But if that's all i needed, drugs or alcohol sure would have been easier.<BR>My wife's in your boots now, exactly. She needs to know what it was that took me away from her. Point is i don't really know. I've analyzed this to death; was it mid-life crisis, was i looking for my mother, what? All I'm left with is the feeling that by going back to my wife and kids, i'm doing what's right, but that, in the long run, i'm back to being miserable. The whole time the relationship was in place, i constantly felt like, 'at last, this is my time to be happy'. 'A' would say the same thing to me. We never really understood why we had the attraction, the feelings, the need to just be with each other. It never really made sense to either of us. And even if i could fully understand why, i don't believe it would change my feelings, the constant mental reminders that somewhere, out there, 'A' is there. It's like i've pee'd all over my marriage and i can't clean it up. Everywhere i turn, everything i see, brings 'A' back. And it's not just sex, it's the stupid things that hurt the most. The plans we made together, the things we were going to do once 'everything' was over.<P>And just to clear something up for me, what is d-day?<P>forest<P>

Forest<BR>D-dayis discovery day. The day I found out about the affair. It seems so long ago!<P>Thanks for your answer, but it really fills me full of dread. My H "cannot let her go, not now." and she doesn't even live in this state! <P>I keep thinking that your situation is not hopless; you have made the right choice for your family. But now you have to get over the feelings of dispare. There is another thread on the site today that talks about feeling unworthy of your marriage because of the A. I wish I could remember which one. i'll check around and get back to you.<P>BS<P>Ok-found it. Check under "Thank you K", SUSE member reply at 1:10pm on 8/14. I thought it was an interesting concept. Something that may apply to my H. I really don't know, I am still grasping at straws because he has not given her up, or really talking more than to admit that he does love her. But I still keep the faith. Even though your reply scares me to death!!! Bye!<p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited August 15, 2000).]