I have been trying MB techniques and Divorce Busting techniques with my Wah, but it seems like nothing is working. I planned a long business trip out of town and all he can say is that he's glad I'll be gone an dthat he can't wait to be rid of me. He told me tonight that he can't stand me and would rather shoot himself in the head than be involved with me. I made the mistake of askinghim why he'd tried to patch things up two weeks ago. (He was very romantic for a few days.)<BR>I know I should have left iit alone3 and just pretended to be distant pals, or something, instead of trying to get close to him. (He sat all the awy across the room to watch a movie with me.)<BR>He called me psycho tonight because I still say I love hhim.<BR>Any advice?

PS I hit the button too soon. He tolf me he doesn't love me and was lying and just "getting laid" as to why he was telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, that week.<BR>Can I still maintain hope or should I completely give up? I want to have a good relationship with him (he's verbally abusive) but I know he isn't interested in anything wqiht me right now. I am kind of lost now.

Dear ani,<BR>It's too soon to give up. You just started this rollercoaster ride.. this is only the beginning. You are looking at at least 6 months of the ride... I was there, when I came here it was only 2 month since D-day. I was suicidal and didn't think I could go on like this. I know you can't think about anything but your H and OW. I used to cry at work..<BR>Because your H is in a fog anything you say doesn't mean much to him right now. And he may even take your words in bad ways. He may become very mean to you, and say lots of hurtful things. Because he believes you are stopping him to be with OW, and maybe he believes OW is "the one".<BR>Just I want to remind you this because that's gonna happen if it haven't yet. So be strong, continue plan A, get lots of support from your friends and family.<BR>You wrote you have been separated but he still stays at your place? Does he have his own place, or just stays at his friends' places?? Many people say it's easier to do Plan A when you are separated. You don't have to see your H everyday so you don't get reminded about A or OW.<BR>Hang in there...<BR>Meg

I can't imagine any human being saying such hurtful things to another. I am responsible for the pain and damage to my marriage and I am grieving beyond mt wildest imagination. <P>I have no advice to give, but your story makes me so sad that I wanted to offer a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes you just need a friend. I would like to be yours...<P>

Ani, I am so sorry for the hurt. The thing you have to try to remember (and it's the hardest to do) is that they are angry at themselves and projecting it on us!!!<P>My H was even projecting onto our kids and they are 5-9-11!!!<P>It is so hard to know what to do. I wish I had found this site in the beginning when my H was in the anger stage. He kept denying an affair, but kept acting so bizaar towards me and the kids I booted him.<P>Now he has been out 6 months. Every time we got close the OW upped the ante. I just fell to the sidelines. She devoured him.<P>Unfortunately, we can control very little.. just ourselves. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself something affirming. You really are not responsible for his misery. But he has to figure that out for himself.

I know you will hear this from a lot of people, but this is really typical behavior. My stbx said the same things to me. I don't love you, wish we had never been married, blah blah blah.<P>I takes a lot of time. It has been 5 months today that we have been separated and I am just now starting to see some cracks in the armor. Or at least what I think are cracks.<P>Like they say in AA, just take it one day at a time. Do the best you can. If you fall off, get back on.<P>Good luck to you and remember, we are all here to support each other. I don't know what I would have done without this site.

Ani -<P>I am a WS, and maybe I was in the fog, too, but there is no excuse for the verbal abuse -particularly when he said he lied to you just to "get laid." I hope I don't offend you, but that is one of the meanest statements I think I've seen on this board. <P>I agree with the others that you shouldn't give up hope if you really love him. How was he prior to the A? Was he verbally abusive then, too? Or do you think it's just after the A that he has said these hurtful things?<P>I think Plan A works to some degree, but you may not be able to change the way a person thinks or the way he acts. Continue to be a loving force in his life, and maybe he'll learn by example. Personally, I find it hard to condone some of the actions of the WSs - I don't care if they are in a fog or drowning on their own guilt. Making those kinds of statements, to me (and I'm a WS too) should not be ignored.<P>I know you want your marriage to work out, and I will be praying for you and your H. There are other ways; however, that might work better (i.e., Plan B). Personally, that statement would have made me upset, too. You need to treat yourself well during this time. Don't let him treat you that way.<P>I watched an Oprah Show one afternoon that dealt with a H and W in which the H verbally abused the W. The W loved her H, but she didn't like the way her H treated her, but she never told him that. The specialist, in effect, said that the W, by not standing up to her H, allowed the verbal abuse to continue. I forget the specialist's name, but I know he's been on her show several times - he also wrote a book on relationships - or life strategies. If I can think of it, I'll let you know.<P>At any rate, sometimes the WSs do make off the wall comments, maybe some of them could have been interpreted as verbal abuse - or maybe not. But, as a woman, I would find it hard to just excuse away his comment as "fog" or not thinking clearly.<P>Treat yourself well, take care of you, take one day at a time, but let him know that those kind of statements will not be tolerated. You cannot control his thoughts, but you can control how you react to his statements. You deserve better than that, and I'll be praying that your H realizes that.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited August 14, 2000).]