The A was so addicting to my H. It was so much fun. WHY?<BR>I found 19 reasons "why my H fell in love with the OW" (besides his selfishness and self-centeredness):<P>1. 'cause I was taking good care of our kids, he didn't have to pay for babysitting, nor he didn't have to worry about kids being treated badly, whenever he was with her.<P>2. 'cause I was taking good care of his home; cleaning, laundry, getting mail, paying bills, balancing accounts, taking garbage, making good meals, raising children, doing dishes, entertaining his friends and family, etc, etc.<P>3. 'cause I made him a good father and a good husband, and SHE could admire him so, which made him feel very good about himself.<P>4. 'cause I made him a nicer, mellow, more thoughtful, better person than he was before we got married, and SHE could admire him as a nice person, which made him feel good.<P>5. 'cause he knew I'd never betray him, he didn't have to worry about me doing the same to him.<P>6. 'cause he had a trusting wife who didn't whine, didn't complain, didn't nag about him going out all the time.<P>7. 'cause he knew I'd support him in difficult situation in his business and family matter, and he could talk to me anytime.<P>8. 'cause he had a nice wife, beautiful 2 children, nice income, nice insurance, nice car and nice house whenever he returned home.<P>9. 'cause he had almost all good things a good father and husband could have, he was so safe whenever he wasn't with her.<P>10. 'cause he had no pressure to please her, like he did for me in order to be a good husband.<P>11. 'cause she was married and untruthful, he knew he never had to marry her or take responsibility for her.<P>12. 'cause her H wasn't good to her or to their children, my H could compare himself to her H and felt so good whenever he listened to her complaining about her H.<P>13. 'cause SHE asked him for a date to have sex with him, he didn't have to feel guilty about starting out the A. ("It just happened!")<P>14. 'cause she wasn't important to him at all, he didn't have to feel guilty about f****** her.<P>15. 'cause she had a husband and was sexually involved with other men, he didn't have to feel guilty about f****** her.<P>16. 'cause he knew from his selfishness that there was absolutely NO WAY to live with her since one of her kids was handicapped.<P>17. 'cause we were already planning to move to another state before the A started, he could cut her off easily (so he thought) later when we move, if their relationship became a problem to him.<P>18. 'cause he felt as if he was single when he's playing volleyball and drinking with her and his friends.<P>19. 'cause he was so addicted to this worry-free, pure entertainment of "having fun with her", he came up with this concept "I'm in love with her" so that he didn't have to feel guilty about f****** her for HIS FUN.<P>Look where all of MY work went! Yuck! Do you call this A "love"? They can have it then! My H still clinging to the love concept, but it IS definitely an addiction. If anybody feels similar, please let me know, or add some more... I really need to be convinced.

Hi Alien,<P> Wow, so many similarities there. I know it's all about "needs" but how many of them are immature and not grown up needs? The need "to be totally free and feel single again?"<P>Anyway, I read an interesting article (someone on the forum posted the link) and the psychologist's view was that he sees alot of people having affairs who were not "giving " enough NOT the usual "they weren't getting enough" at home. He said one partner (the betrayed) tends to be "overfunctioning" and taking care of everything. <P>I remember friends of ours telling me that my H was "lucky" since he had so much freedom and I took care of everything . I always thought I was being the "good wife" because he "worked so hard".....Ha.<P>Interesting thoughts about it all, ......LU

MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!

I feel the same way....I also take care of absolutely everything here at home, even yard work! In counseling the counselor asked us to make a list of what we are each responsible for....his list had one item "bringing home paycheck". Mine had about twenty. Maybe I've created my own monster.

Oh, exactly!!! I see so many simularities, I almost want to copy this as an Affair Checklist.<P>My husband backed out when she moved out of her home with her family to get an apartment--a love nest--and I think he also figured that since he was leaving her area anyway, he could have his fun and break it off whenever he was ready.<P>I think it is also interesting how the OW in our case was the one who initiated the sex--so, yeah, it just happened! Interesting how things just happen, no guilt, huh?

I can definitely relate. My H was "safe" because she was 24 and still living at home with mom and dad (he was 42). She came on to him also - "it was just a mistake" - that lasted for several months. Oh, and they played volleyball too.

Now that's one question I haven't asked..who initiated it. hmmmmm...... I always assumed it was him because of the way they met.<P>Maybe it was her - he says he 'helped her through a hard time' - maybe it was her way of showing 'appreciation'? How nice - "thanks, and since I have nothing else to give you - I'll give you my body" <P>Well, I guess he didn't want to be rude!<P>J

Number 20 - Because he was stupid!<P>I'm not speaking badly of him either, he'll agree. He never saw it coming. He believed her lies that he was the only one, she had never done this before, she was sweet and innocent, he needed to protect her from her mean husband, that they were soul mates, that it was ok as they both were in bad marriages, that they should follow their hearts, etc, etc, etc. <P>Makes me want to puke! Now he is terribly embarassed at what he fell for and how he almost lost his family. We live a very conservative live-no debt-we buy something when we have the cash. She lives the exact opposite-if you can get a credit card for it then buy it. He would have spent the rest of his life paying off her debts! She has a $1200 house payment for a house that they paid way too much for and her husband just left her. He counts his blessings daily and so do I!<BR>

It is so encouraging that many people feel the same way I do! Thinking about how the OW met his needs was depressing, and the fact he "thinks" he loves her really bothers me, keeping me from meeting his needs. So I started to put all these reasons in my favor and I felt GOOD. <P>So... I extended my thoughts and flip-flopped my question around. My new theory is "If I wasn't married to him, he wouldn't fall in love with the OW."<P>1. If I wasn't married to him, he'd never stayed in this small town this long (6 years), therefore he wouldn't fall in love w/her.<P>2. If I wasn't married to him, he'd never had such wonderful kids, therefore he wouldn't be admired as a wonderful father by her.<P>3. If I wasn't married to him, he wouldn't possibly be a good husband, therefore he wouldn't feel good about himself being one when she complained about her H. (Probably he ran the other way right there)<P>4. If I wasn't married to him, he(we)'d never bought the business, therefore he wouldn't be as succesful nor be admired by her.<P>5. If I wasn't married to him, he'd be just destroying HER marriage only and as soon as she implied a divorce (whiche she is in process now) for him, he'd ran the other way.<P>6. If I wasn't married to him, he'd be as free as a man could be, why the h*** he'd want to stuck w/a slut who screws around, has 2 kids and wants to marry him?<P>7. If I wasn't married to him, he'd have a lot more to worry, like his life, house, work, future, money, personality, family, relationship, (or not having a relationship, he's always been a loner), therefore going out w/the OW wouldn't be so much fun.<P>8. If I wasn't married to him, he'd never had a thrill of having sex outside of his marriage, therefore he'd left her as soon as something goes wrong or boring.<P>9. If I wasn't married to him, he wouldn't be as nice and mellow as he is now (he actually told me that I made him a better person), therefore who'd admire and fall in love w/a jerk?<P>10. If I wasn't married to him, he wouldn't have much responsibilities as he does now, therefore he wouldn't have to escape from it by having a destructive relationship.<P>My point is, "If you think she is so wonderful and special, your soulmate, your love, why don't you leave me and marry her?!" And he never will. So, how can he still believe it is love? Started out as lust, infatuation, then addiction and finally turned into GUILT? Whatelse could it be? I think I proved it. Didn't I? <BR>