I read through the "swallow" posts, struck by how much was known about OW. It is instinct to want to know all the details, but for myself I was very guarded about what I asked. I wanted to know how long it had been going on, where they went together so I would have an idea of who all knew, what he was saying about me or thinking about me when he was with her. I told him NOT to tell me any personal details. I have had enough trouble with images and I feel if I knew specifics the images would just be more acute. On another board which has posts from W's and OW's, there was a thread where OWs admitted to being in H's house when family was away, so I had to ask H if she was ever at our home. He said only once and she just stepped inside the front door to pick him up, no farther(hope this is truth). This was when I had moved out after D day. If I thought she had been in my bed I would have to sell the bed, maybe the house! Anyone thing they had too much info?

I have known for 9 weeks now. H has answered most of my questions, but a lot of them he just "doesn't remember." I wrote OW a letter asking some of those things that he has forgotten (where and when it started, etc.--I figured it must be a "girl thing" to remember details like that), but she tore it up. I realize there are some things I will never know, but that's where my imagination usually gets the best of me.<P>I DO know that they were in my house, in my bed, on my sheets. Yes, we still have them, but will be moving soon, at which time they will be disposed of. Should I try to profit from their little romps by selling the bedding in my garage sale or have a ceremonial bonfire?

JR:<P>I think I know too much! At first My H's counselor told him not to tell me too much b/c it would do me more harm to know specifics. But, good old me had to know more and the more I knew the more I wanted to know.<P>I guess some of us just dwell on these images and feel like if we don't know exactly what happened, how, when, and where, we're gonna split open with curiosity. I don't know, is it some kind of fetish?<P>I got to the point of demanding to know things. Now, I wish I didn't know so much sometimes, b/c knowing really affects your recovery. When we are intimate I always visualize them together, maybe doing the same things or his having touched her the way he touches me, and this has really, really taken a toll on me in the bedroom, you know what I mean?<P>I still wonder and imagine what they did together. Knowing how GOOD he made me feel and knowing he shared that with another makes me grind my teeth.<P>How special did she make him feel, and if it were more special than what I could do for him. I guess the most important issue to me is the fact that now he has someone to compare me to and I resent that immensely. How dare him or THEM.<P>Talk about sheets!!! Well, she never came to our house, he always went to hers or to motels. Her children are grown and her H didn't know about them , so it was so easy for her to drop her drawers whenever the urge struck her. H said she wanted "it" all the time. My H got his own place, as soon as she left her H, so SHE wouldn't have to spend money on motels. <P> He was supposedly leaving to "find himself". I agreed to the "find yourself" and helped him set up housekeeping in a sense. After all H --- broke loose and he came back home, I marked all the towels he had taken with him, with a big black X, so I wouldn't mistakenly use them, b/c I'm sure she used them when she stayed with him, now those perfectly good towels are being used to clean our toilets and any other very nasty job around the house. I would eventually like to ship them to her, C.O.D.<P>Obssessed!!! YES.<P>Anyway, I vote for the cermonial bonfire on the sheets deal. I would like to throw in those towels and maybe we could split up the ashes, no..., I'd rather use them around the house, OH NO! honey, did you vomit? Let me clean that up!!!<P>Queen of Bash,<BR>Cathy

I don't know the details & I'm glad I don't. Yes I asked the same questions, when did it start, is it over, etc. I also wanted to know where he took her to make sure he never takes me to the same places. Don't think it's too hard since they didn't exactly 'date'. I want no memories of her. But I never did ask if she's ever been to our home - I never thought about that but now I'll need to know.<BR>I suppose everyone is different. It's a struggle as it is. Why make it even worse by descriptive detail.

Unfortunately, I know everything. The discussed every minute detail of the relationship on his ICQ chat, which is how I discovered the full relationship.<P>This is what what makes me ill. I wish that I didn't know what they did and how they did it. Ironically, the reason that I investigated so heavily is because I wanted to know that they DIDN'T have sex. I know things that he still will not admit to.<P>In ways I am glad that I do know, too. I am realistic and I would rather face the reality of a situation. When it comes to marriage, I don't there are things that "you are better of not knowing." Marriage is a partnership, and if one partner keeps secrets, then it becomes an uneven partnership.

I don't know a whole lot about what *exactly* went on between my H and the ow and I'm kinda' glad. My imagination is bad enough to deal with. <P>Even now, almost 2 years since the whole nightmare started I get imaginary pictures in my head sometimes. However I try *really* hard to stop obsessing on them...I'll look at my H and think about how far we have come since then or get busy doing something to take my mind away from those hurtful images. <P>Those things are in the past and I have no power to make them change or go away so I focus on now and what I can do to reach my goal of a great relationship with myself and my husband.<P>I know for all of you who are living this nightmare up close it is easier said than done. Feel it, grieve it and then let it go. The ow in our case is *totally* unremorseful and seems to be living with no consequences but from what I know about her...her day will come. I do pray for her because I know she is hurting..otherwise why would she be doing something so self destructive?<P>This kinda' got off the subject but I have been reading the messages lately and so much energy is being concentrated on revenge and hateful feelings. What are those feelings doing to recover your marriages? <P>just a couple cents...Jodi<p>[This message has been edited by JodiC (edited August 14, 2000).]