Help! What can one do when he tells you that there's a part of him that is still in love with you, but is afraid to try because he is afraid of failing? He doesn't have a problem with me, in fact he says I'm very loving and caring. He feels it's his inability to be 100% in love, which is what he wants. <P>We had one session with a counselor that went well, and will continue to go. I'm just wondering if anyone encountered similar hesitancy and how it was handled.<P>Thanks, sdn

So he is afraid to try what?<P>IMO (forgive me if I tend to sound a bit harsh), this is an excuse for not trying. If he applied this logic to any other part of his life, he would be sitting in a corner not doing anything.<P>We all take chances in life. Failure is part of our learning process. But so is success.

It's just another lame excuse. My H at first said we would NEVER get back together, then he was willing to try, then he wanted to be together, then he wasn't sure if it would work. Blah, blah, blah. The old rollercoaster. I chose to basically ignore it and keep on Plan A'ing. Here we are a year and a half later and very happy. Hang in there!

They're ALL hesitant. Seems to come with the territory. <BR>What I think will help the WS is if they're aware that so many people feel the way they do. They're not alone. Get him onto this web & have him read the articles. He can't 'fall in love' again unless he takes certain steps.

Thank you all for your responses. <P>Grandpabri, Fairydust, and Searching for Hope<P>He doesn't want to fail at the reconciliation. I guess it's easier right now to step back and clear his head before he commits to anything. He is pretty much guilt ridden and doesn't want to hurt me further.<P>Will continue plan A-ing him. A friend told both of us about this site, but he hasn't looked at it. I'll mention it though.<P>I'll continue to hang in there! Thanks again.<P>sdn

SDN -<P>As a WS, I know the fear that your H feels. Next week, my H and I are going on vacation. While on vacation, we plan to "renew our vows." We're each writing promise statements and plan to read them to each other, and make new vows. I really am looking forward to this, and it's a big step in our recovery, a step I think we're both ready for, but nonetheless I'm still terrified.<P>I'm terrified that I will break these new vows; I'm terrified that I will let my H down again; I'm terrified that after all the love and understanding we've been building over the past several months I'll still find a way to mess it up; I'm terrified not only that I will fail but also that maybe my H might have an affair - in retaliation or just because I know how easily you can fall. Those are my negative thoughts, the thoughts that would prevent me from taking this next step.<P>In my mind, too, I know things will work out; I know I love my H; I know I don't want this to ever happen again; I know my H and I are more open with each other now; I know we are both working on meeting each other's needs. And those are the things pushing me to take this next step.<P>It's like a battle is being fought in our heads. So, I can kind of understand how your H feels, right now he can't picture the "ideal state" of being. He's confused by doubts in himself and "what ifs."<P>For me, the way I deal with these conflicting emotions, I focus on the things that are real - my H loves me and I love him. Then, I have to keep focused on things that keep me headed in the direction I want to go - to live happily ever after with my H.<P>Each day there are new struggles, but your H is not alone. He shouldn't be afraid to fail, he should be afraid to stay where he is now. You can't tell him how he should or should not feel - even if it seems irrational. The fear of failing - again - for WSs is very strong.<P>Tell your H, I know how he feels. At one point, I didn't know that I could be 100% in love with my H - or anyone for that matter. You just don't decide "I want to be in love" and poof it happens over night. There's a lot of issues you two need to deal with - it won't happen over night.<P>Continue to encourage him to got to counseling, but I think fear of failure - at least for me - was normal. It's not like you don't trust the other person, or doubt the other person - we doubt our selves, what we can and cannot give.<P>I think, in a way, it's good that he's afraid that he can't be 100% in love. At least he is really thinking about things, he's afraid of hurting you and he's afraid of losing himself. Just try to be patient with him. We're not perfect, and I think in some ways love can't be perfect all of the time. <P>My H and I are 4 months into recovery, and I can honestly tell you that I am more in love with my H today than I was on the day that I married him. Love, I believe, grows each day. Sure, there will be rough spots along the way, but I love my H more today than yesterday, and I hope that I will love him more with each passing day.<P>It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. Your H just needs to take one day at a time, he's already at rock bottom, why try to take some stes forward. You'll never know what you can and cannot do, unless you try. Sometimes, you just need a little faith in your S, a little faith in yourself, and a whole lot of faith in God, that things will get better.<P>I don't think you're H is using his fear of failing or fear of not being 100% in love as an excuse to move ahead. I think he really feels that way. I know it's hard, but try to be patient, try to be loving, try to be a positive force in his life right now. Be the one thing that he can count on - even when he can't count on himself. I know that takes a lot of work, and hopefully it will be worth it. My best to you and your H.