Have just discovered this forum,hope you can help.my husband and i have been married 11 mths,together 3 yrs.10 wks ago,he broke down and told me he was having trouble coping with work presssure and stuff and didn't know if he still loved me or not,i was shocked this was totally out of the blue.a few days later i found an email to a girl at his work,saying he wanted to be friends,but also how much he'd missed her,i confronted him,he said it was a friend he'd made at work,he hadn't told me as he hadn't wanted me to get upset,i knew nothing had happened and so let it go,then he started getting secretive about his mobile and getting loads of text messages,i checked a few and they were from her,he maintained he didn't see her outside of work and he was talking to her as he needed someone other than me to talk things through with,i was giving him time to decide how he felt-not easy.anyway i started to trust him less and then he started going out at night,the messages were continueing and getting more explicit,i confronted him-he said they'd kissed no more,he didn't love me anymore,had been having doubts for awhile,had been trying but just didn't love me anymore,and he didn't want to work things out,but he didn't know what to do,i was so upset and shocked i cried for days,i said if he left i'd kill myself ,kill her,anything to stop him leaving,i wanted him to work on our marriage,i should add,i'm 28,he's 39 and the girl is 22.we talked things through and for a few days things seemed to improve,then the messages started again,i decided one night when he went out to check his bag-i found to love letters from her,detailing places and dates of what they'd done,also saying how he planned to leave me for her,they loved each other etc,these letters were very naive,she seemed to think i'd just let him go.anyway i went mad,i waited outside her house,at 1.30am he drove past,i followed and found them in a field,i flipped,started shouting,screaming abuse,throwing rocks into the field to get them to come out,eventually he did,but she wouldn't as she was too scared,he agreed to come home,we talked,what makes it worse is he was so anti affairs,his 1st wife cheated on him for years,he can't explain why he did this to me,knowing how it felt,he said he cared deeply for me,but didn't love me and wanted to move out to be alone and see how he felt.3 wks ago he moved out,it was so hard letting him go knowing he might not come back,he knows i want to work things out,even now,2 wka ago he told me he wasn't coming back,he could never forgive himself for what he's done and it wouldn't work,he now wants to get divorced and sell the house.this is all too quick for me,10 wks ago we were happy,so i thought.it took him a while to decide what he wanted,he said he feels happier alone,doesn't feel pressured about working late and his job is more important to him than anything right now,2 wka ago they went away together,i find it very difficult not to have a go at him when i see him,then i end up crying and he leaves as he can't deal with it.<BR>i feel totally devestated,betrayed,hurt and upset,yet i still love him and would take him back if he asked.<BR>he refused councelling,even though he says he still cares for me deeply,he says he loves this girl,i can't see how his feelings for me can have changed so much,despite what he says about him and the girl having things in common and being able to talk,he's told her the same things he told me when we first met,he also admits she makes him feel good and its an ego boost,i don't think it'll last,its so out of character for him,could be a mlc i reckon.<BR>i have tried the angry approach and it isn't working,piling on the guilt hasn't worked,so i decide to try being nice.For the last week it has worked,he says he misses me,thinks about what i am doing and has since come round and we had a lovely day together.i don't ask about her anymore,and its his b/day next week and i asked him to dinner,whcih he agreed to.<BR>I gave him a letter last week basically saying i forgave him,understood his reasons for having the affair and was working on changing to be better person.<BR>Yesterday he sent me an email thanking me for the letter saying it must have been difficult to write it,and he'd reply soon.He was supposed to come round last night but he rang to cancel as he was very tiored,and is coming tonight instead for dinner.<BR>To me this is all a good sign,for a week he hasn't mentioned me moving out,divorce or us/her,by what he's been saying it implies he's been home alone most nights,watching tv,so he might not be seeing her that much-although they do work together.having said that he went to a family party at her house on saturday,whcih he told me about,i didn't comment at all.<BR>Now i know not to mention the letter tonight until he does,but does this sound promising,he does seem better towards me now,but could it be cause he thinks if he's nice i'll get over him quicker ? Our parents are no support,hos have blanked me totally,and mine blame me for all this !<BR>Any advice on anything else i can do would be great and comments too !

Keep looking here, and try reading the rest of this site. Others will be chiming in here...hang on. Personally, IMHO, it does look good.<BR>RRunRR<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.

I am new to this too (it has been 8 weeks since my husband has told me about his affair). However, your post does sound promising! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. Good luck<P>Tammy

Hi,<P>At his age I wonder if he is not suffering from mid-life crisis. Thier is a good article on the subject at this web site. <A HREF="http://www.friends-lovers.com/articles/midlife.hotmail" TARGET=_blank>www.friends-lovers.com/articles/midlife.hotmail</A> <BR>It will give you some indication of what he may be going through. <P>Its not often that newly weds are here on this board. I feel so bad for you.<P>Now for starters quit blaming yourself! This is his problem not yours! You did nothing wrong! Second DO NOT BEG HIM TO COME HOME! If you do that you are giving him that safty net to fall back on incase his little world falls apart. What I suggest to you is to be nice, loving, caring and understanding. Writing him that letter was a good thing. Admitting you have faults to is a good thing but you need to keep your self respect above all keep your self respect and pride. Listen to what he tells you, don't be judgmental even if you want to be. Try to remain his best friend, make home seem like a great place to be. Everything you have written that he has told you my H has told me more than once. So have most of the other H and W here on this board arounfd your H age.<BR>I wish I had some for sure answers for you. I too am going through this crazy rollercoaster. Just keep reading the posts here and you will find you are not alone. Frequenting this board will give you the strength to live through this. Believe me I've been here off and on now for over a year.<P>Jill

Welcome <B>Dizzy</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>If you can't get your H to counselling...<BR>...consider starting on your own...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do look through my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<P>...and start on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... spelled out in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 15, 2000).]

Jim,<BR>Thanks for the info,luckily I get upto 4 meetings with a therapist thru work free,but I live in the UK so a phone consultation is not possible I'm afraid. He came round tonight for dinner,not sure but think other woman maybe out of the picture,as he's spending his birthday with me,i take that to be a good sign,as surely you'd normally spend it with someone you care about ?So far he hasn't mentioned the letter,but the fact he still comes round is a good thing,fingers crossed !<BR>Have read the link on MLC,does seem to be what he's going through,but he doesn't think so !My therapist has been supportive and has told me i'm doing great to get this far in 3 wks,he also said i was really strong to be this introspective and many men would love to have a wife as strong and willing to work things out as me-porbably says that to everyone,but made me feel good !

Last night when he came round he said he was stillcoming over for his birthday for dinner,this morning he sent me an email saying he'd been asked out for dinner by people at work and can we cancel-i am so upset i sent a reply saying i though he'd confirmed with me,but it was his birthday and if he rather would spend it with work people then it was his choice-as calm as i could keep it when i am so upset.Yes,he could be with OW,but to make plans with me,and confirm then last night,and then suddenly this morning he's changed his mind doesn't make sense.haven't had a reply from him again yet,but am feeling down again now.

I noticed today for the first time that I'm no longer a "junior member" but a full fledged "member". Funny I dont feel like some veteran but recovery for me has gone on a lot longer than I had anticipated.<BR>D-Day for me was mid-Jan of this year & believe me we've all been through the same thing. The infamous roller coaster ride where one minute WS makes us feel that things are good and then they do a 180 & talk about leaving us & how much they're in love with OP etc etc blah blah blah.<BR>Get ready for the time of your life & it will last longer than 10 weeks. Read all the info on this site & use it to help yourself. You're sounding absolutely desolate which is how we all felt at the beginning. But believe me, it does get better somehow - maybe not the marriage but you as a person gets better. You find your strength to deal with this. He refuses to get counselling but maybe you should go for yourself.<BR>

No matter what you should always get counseling for yourself. Try to get the WS to go with you, but even if they won't go yourself. I mean this board is great, but talking face to face with someone is always better. Good luck.