Hi to all - I hate to keep repeating myself and will give a brief rerun of events: My husband of 23 years (4 kids) had a 2x affair with a 22 year old co-oworker who is now pregnant. After some real confusion and ambivilence on my husband's part he has been home almost 2 months and says he is "trying". <P>While we were away on vacation the 22 year old was transferred to a different dept. because if a physical altercation with another female co-worker (can you believe this stuff?) The 22 year old went to the hospital by ambulance with stomach pains (you can only guess what I was hoping, no matter how selfish that is)<P>The hospital part came on our one day home in between meeting friends on vacation. She called my husband from the hospital. He told me he thought he should go there. I was amazed but took a deep breath and told him as long as we were working towards the same goal - repairing our marriage - I would support him but not be happy with it. He said he was glad I understood and just felt responsible (it's bull****, I know but he is just slowly coming out of the fog.) I reminded him that to me "trying " is not the same as being fully committed.<P>Now, that night after he came home (he only stayed a half hour) we had the best talk as of yet. We were the most honest and I felt that we were really going to recover. He said she was talking of maybe moving to Fla. and it seemed like she was waiting for him to say something and he told her she would probably like it there.<P> He still is holding part of himself back from me. He says it is his confusion. I am waiting desperately for some intimacy. But that is a whole differet issue.<P>But I felt like he is beginning to realize he can trust me (I know that's only one of the ironies) and that there is something to rebuild. <P>The next day we went away with friends and everything was very light. It was good to just have fun.<P>Now the kicker - we get home and he hears she's been transfered and he's been left with the other screwy worker. They are having a union meeting about it tommorrow. I just recently asked him to ask her to not call here anymore - always work related questions, but still!! Can I insist that he does not ask for her to come back to his department? I have found in the last few months the LESS demanding and pushy I am the further I get with him. However here is a chance to get her out of his department and I just want to scream GET RID OF HER!!! The truth of the matter is that everytime I have pushed things we have gone one babystep back. The logical part of me says smile and just see what happens. The emotional part disagrees. Any comments or advice would be appreciated<P> Thanks<BR> Kris

Sounds like you are doing great, so far.<P>Don't insist on anything....you already know that, right? <P>Instead, tell him how you feel about things, and talk it over quietly & calmly. But, let him decide what to do.<P>

Dear Quakermom:<P>I think you can RELAY that you feel somewhat at ease knowing that they are no longer working together (truth, right?). I think it's OK to state that it would PLEASE you if he was able to consider YOUR feelings regarding this matter.<P>I don't think it benefits you to remain silent. I think you should voice your opinion calmly and carefully.<P>Remember to begin your sentences with something like, "I would like to make a request...," or "it would please me if...," or "I think it's beneficial to...". Use "I" sentences...they tend to sound more positive. <P><B>Stay away from "you" sentences</B> (ie: you should, you need to, you would if..., you won't, you don't)...these sentences tend to cast blame and/or make disrespecful judgements. <P>As always, wishing good things for you and H! ~Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 15, 2000).]

kam - I just have to tell you how much you have helped me. Your advice is always good, positive and truthful. It is always better to hear what you need to hear from others. You are right, I won't insist on anything. He already knows how I feel and I will let what happens happen. Thanks again I always look forward to hearing from you.<P> Kris

Good decision...honesty about how you feel, but trusting him to make the decision...that's what ALWAYS worked for me (eventually ) and yours sure seems a lot like Robert! <P>Lori

Thankyou Marie and Lostva - I have decieded to let the thing go and see how it turns out. He knows what I want. I will not push but will let him make the decisions. Hopefully they are the right ones. As someone said, thwey are on their own timetable.<P>We did talk briefly about it today and he said he was staying out of the decision making process and letting the union handle it. I was glad about that. Here's to hoping she gets transfered!! <BR> Kris