I have been in the process of plan A for a few weeks now and she's accepted my love for her.<BR>I stay out of her way, let her do as she pleases, and don't judge her for the way she feels. <P>Till today she's accepted all that i've done according to Plan A. We spend time with our daughter and do family things together. My family is and always has been my main priority. <BR> <BR>It's been very hard doing all of this and not receiving anything back. Dr. Harley was right, this is not for wimps. She continues to talk with OM everyday in e-mails and on the phone. She is moving full speed ahead with their relationship. I mention nothing about it. I stay out of her way. <BR> <BR>We can joke around and laugh and still have fun together. She's allowed me to pretty much show her all the love and affection i can give. The strange thing is it's not to much different than what i've always done!! Show her i love her, help her in any way that i can, affection, support,etc.. Aside from a few changes in my approach, it's not much different from who i was.<P> I love her very much. I'm willing to go the long run. If it's true that in the end either it will happen or i will no longer love her anymore, than i'm all for it. <P>Today though, she asked me to stop all of it. She has been to this site and knows about Plan A. She claims it's for my own good and that it doesn't bother her. Bull!! She just can't deal with the guilt of what she's done. She still lives here with us and will be leaving to be on her own soon. <BR>What will our family be like then? We need mom around!<BR>She has been a great mom, but this often makes me wonder just what is going on inside of her.<P>She blocks out all thoughts of the reality of this situation only to make herself feel better. She doesn't like discussing any of it at all. It's easier to run than to face the truth i guess. <P>She has been here several times so she knows what it would take to end this affair and work on our marriage. Our family just isn't important enough to her. Her affair started out completely online through im's. It then led to phone conversation. Without ever once meeting this Looser she made the choice to end our marriage and pursue her affair with him. She has since met him in person and her feelings have only gotten stronger for him. I say Looser cause i'm very bitter i guess. He too is married and has three children of his own. How can they do such a thing to their family? <P>I'm at the end of the rope here. I have no more energy. I don't know who this women is anymore. I wish she would dissapear forever. We don't need a temporary mom and my daughter doesn't need a step dad. I'm her dad. Me and her are extremely close. She's not as close to my wife cause she too i'm sure senses the distance by her actions. For over two years now the OM has been her main priority. While i was at work, most of her time was spent online with him. Where was mom for nearly three years, 75% of my daughters life?<BR>She would deny it but the proof lies in the records of time spent online for those 2 and a half years and the scars that remain.<BR>So she has asked me to stop. Where do i go from here?<P>If thats what she wants then i can't wait till she leaves so me and my daughter can adjust to this new life we must lead. It makes me very sad and angry to think that she will never have a "normal" life because of this. At nearly 4 years old she knows exactly whats going on. She knows somethings wrong when mom doesn't come home when she used to. For a while she was staying at a friends house on weekends so she could be with OM without feeling to guilty. What does she think this behavior does to her family?<P>I was hoping that with all there is on here about the truth of affairs and how they work that she would consider working on our marriage and ending the A the right way. I know in my heart that she will regret all of this and by then it will be to late. I can't allow her to punish my family anymore.<P>Where do i go from here? My plan A has pushed her further away. My love threatens her. My affection is meaningless. Our family is second to OM. I have tried so hard for nearly 3 years to figure out what was going on cause i felt the distance in her. Now, 6 years of marriage, a beautiful daughter, a new home, and a family that needs her so badly is meaningless. I won't even begin to explain how i feel inside cause i don't know how to, but it hurts bad. I miss my wife and the best friend i've ever had. <P>She will probably come across this post i'm sure but it's nothing she hasn't heard before..........<P>I'll keep ya's posted.........<P><BR>

{{{Who I Am}}},<P>Plan A is not about "faking it"...<P>Plan A is not about tricking your spouse...<P>Plan A is about...<BR>...your desire to be a better spouse!<BR>...your desire to learn good marital skills!<BR>...your self improvement!<BR>...your time to learn how to heal!<BR>...your time to forgive (WS and yourself)!<BR>...your ability to gradually adjust!<BR>...your time to find(refind) faith!<BR>...your time to be a perfect spouse!<P>If your spouse thinks it's about anything else...<BR>...she is wrong!<P>And your WS knowing the truth of Plan A...<BR>...will not make an iota of difference.<P>You are the one growing...<P>When and WS see Plan A as a trick...<BR>...they miss the fact that Plan A represents 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>...and whether you're pre D-day, post D-day, pre DV-day, or even post DV-day...<BR>...learning how to apply <B>ALL</B> 4 rules...<BR>...will let you grow.<P>A WS that doesn't reciprocate...<BR>...and in time accept <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...is lost...<BR>...deep in the wilderness of their 'fog'!<P>Don't let the fact that your W <I>thinks</I> she knows about Plan A... deter you!<P>Plug on for a while...<BR>...if Plan B is in your horizon...<BR>...so be it.<P>Use the rest of what time you do in Plan A...<BR>...be the preparation for Plan B.<P>...<B>And</B> hey... that is not a secret either!<P>Hang tough for a while...<BR>...time is always on <B>your</B> side.<P> <P>Jim

<BR> Thanx for the words of encouragement Jim... <BR> <BR> But why do i feel like i'm waisting my time? <P>I don't have the book on plan A only cause i can't afford anything right now. All i know of plan A is from what i've read from posts and articles from this site. But i get the general idea.<P> She has her whole next level of life planned out before her.......A new job.......a new career........a new home.....and a new special someone. <P> She has a vision of her new life now and i don't think theres any turning back...<BR> <BR> She has said it over and over again i'm a great person and she's sorry for feeling this way for someone else. Yet, i may as well be a stranger in this house.<P> When i would get home from work, she would open the door for me, when my daughter wakes in the night ( sometimes 3 or more times a night) we would take turns attending, If i forgot to take the trash out on trash day, she would do it for me while i was at work. We were partners. Slowly i find myself doing these things alone. I get very little help in anything around here. <P> She works at 5 in the afternoon and i work at 6:30 A.M. Only now will she occasionaly tend to my daughter at night and only cause i asked for some assistance and stated how unfair it's been. She says i'm sorry but i just don't hear her when i'm sleeping. Yet, suddenly now she does? <P> Is this the mother, wife, partner, friend i once shared my life with? No....<P> I may not have met all of her emotional needs....i'm not perfect.....but neither did she. So why this unfairness towards me and our daughter. It's selfish. <P> She had serious anxiety for over a year now and went to therapy for a few months. Her therapist recomended she read up on co-dependency. She's convinced she's co-dependent. Now, from what i've read on co-dependency, i'm not abusive, an alcoholic, or a drug abuser. She didn't do everything in her power to make me happy like co-dependency is described. <P> If anything she would do as she pleases during this affair i didn't know about, whether i liked it or not. Sinse her therapy is when this all came out in the open about her affair and her wanting to leave the marriage. I became the focal point of her anxiety and "co-dependency". <P> From what i've read hear, anxiety is a pretty common emotion when dealing with the guilt of an affair. Now that she's come clean, her anxiety has improved dramatically. Almost none!!! Was this therapist a joke? I'm sure he was a great guy, but was he aware of the impact he had on such a vulnerable women? A women who went to a pro for answers she thought for sure he would know? <P> Sinse the first session of therapy it's been a downward spiral. <P> I will finish this post later.....<BR> <P>

Hi Who I Am....<P>I am a new member, this is my 1st post. All I can say is that I am the BH. My wife has also been in an internet/phone affair for at least the last 7 months. I plan A'd as hard as a man can, for 3 months before I even KNEW there was an affair. I kept it up for 2 months after I discovered it for sure. During that time, she moved out on me (Before they ever met) and intensified the situation by meeting him in person. They spent the better part of 2 weeks together. At that point, I went to plan B. Nothing started to change until Plan B. It all sucks, knowing you are helpless to make them feel what they can not, or are not ready to. But if Plan A isn't working or it is killing you (I lost 30 lbs in 2 months)go to Plan B. <BR>Plan B hurts...but not as much as seeing the downward spiral.....Luckily I have no children yet to complicate the matter...<P>Keep the faith, and keep posting, ther are a lot of good people that have survived bad times on here!

<BR> Geez Small, sounds like we're in the same damn boat. I've gone from just over 200lbs. to 162 and counting. <P> I'm lost without her man. Seems insane that they would risk all over a damn computer conversation huh? <P> I agree with you, since theyv'e met, her feelings for him seam to have intensified. Once she came clean she was so determined to prove everyone wrong that these feelings can't be real that it only added to the pursuit to be with him. <P> Yes, having a child has made it very hard. I would have packed up and never to be seen again if it were just me. Without thinking twice. I can't turn my back on my family and just quit. My daughter and my wife are my world. <P> I'm sorry if my posts are so damn confusing and full of misspelled words. It only reflects on how i feel though.<P> How long have you been married? <P> I wish you luck my friend......and thanx for the post.....<BR> <BR> "Ain't Gonna Give Up On Love".....SRV

Just to reiterate...<P>Plan A doesn't fail...<BR>...it is your spouse that has failed<BR>...it the failure can be temporary.<P>How long you can continue...<BR>...in Plan A...<BR>...is up to you.<P><B>SmallSteps4Now</B> is right...<BR>...there is Plan B....<BR>...but you will have to know when that is right for you!<BR>...many move to it too late...<BR>...many move too early...<BR>...take your time an evaluate it as an alternative... and check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> post.<P>Prayers...<P>You are not a failure...<BR>Plan A is not a failure...<BR>...as long as we abide in free will...<BR>...your W is proving to be a failure... now...<BR>......but hopefully not in the future!<P> <P>Jim

Couldn't sleep much last night and figured i'd check up here before work........Thanx again Jim......<P> Another day ahead of me.............<P>

SmallSteps......I'm interested in hearing A little more about your situation if you don't mind?<P> What point are you at now?<BR> <BR> "Ain't Gonna Give Up On Love"........SRV

Jim i just want to say that your link to Plan B-101 was great. I'm on my way to some of the articles that you've also linked to on that page. <P> Thanx again.......

Well...where we are......basically...my W says she wants to work on the marriage...and we still do love each other, but...(There's always a but!) She has yet to actually break contact with the OM. She knows it has to be done, but isn't ready to do it. Which of course bothers me immensely! <P>I have consulted an attorney to know what my legal rights are, though I do not wish to file at this time. I want to help make our marriage right again.<P>To get some insight to our situation, look up all the recent posts by lost_in_love. That is my wife's handle on here. If you have specific questions let me know. I also posted my story today under SmallSteps4Now. Feel free to read and comment!<P>SS4N<BR>