I recently had my longtime suspicions confirmed. My wife of eleven years has been seeing an old flame now for over a year. When confronted, she admitted to her actions, claims she is in love and doesn't know what to do but at one point seemed willing to destroy our family of 5 children over this. Says she still loves me and I don't deserve this treatment. She is one of those who rationalizes that an affair is not an affair unless it has gotten physical. She swears it has not been physical, and I have many reasons to believe that is true, but at the same time I'm too old to be that naive, and I can't see how with her current level of addiction that it hasn't been physical. I could get past that part if she would work with me on all of the emotional needs and honesty. I have read "His needs, Her needs" several times and I do understand where I, (and she),went wrong and what needs to happen next. I have also read "Surviving an Affair" and understand all that I am in for. My questions are these: She now says that she wants to fix things, but with her misunderstanding (or denial) of what constitutes an affair, should I tell her about the book, "Surviving an Affair" and or try to get her to read it together with me? Also, after reading all of Dr. Harley's books and columns and spending a considerable amount of time surfing this website, I am convinced that I only want someone who subscribes to all of these theories and will help us with the Marriage Builders concepts. It seems that at one time I saw a reference on this site to a list of counselors who could help with this in various cities across the country. Does that exist or was I just dreaming? Or should I just plan to use the telephone counseling that is available through this site? Any answers would be appreciated.

Welcome <B>whatodo</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Getting spouses, especially WSs, to read SAA is a tough job. Even though many find it an easy read... some will not be willing to go through the whole book... which when it is beneficial.<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>I know of no published list of Psycholgist/Psychiatrist... who work with the MB principles...<BR>...but others have said that referrals are available through the counselling telephone number....<P>...others have also sung the praises of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A>.<P>If you see no conflict in posting here with your W... (maybe on the "recovery forum") you might introduce these concepts to her... through the Internet.<BR><B>But</B>... if you think the issue of "private" venting may cause a problem...<BR>...get her to read the book<BR>...or better yet... read it together!<P>Since you've followed much of what is here already...<BR>... for you, I would also recommend...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>... it is great for an explanation of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for your reply to my post. I have indeed read "Give and Take" and my wife has read "His needs, Her Needs", although it was several years ago. I think I could get her to read with me, and I think that would definitely help. Since I'm aware of all of the great advice that is contained in these works, I have put many of the ideas into action, but it has been a one way street. I hoped that someone who could explain these ideas to her could get through to her. I've tried to express them to her, but as our relationship has degraded, it seems that I can never say anything right. I realize that is because things have been heating up in her other life and she had reached a point recently where she didn't want things to work out for us. Anyway, I was wondering how effective the telephone counseling would be, but it sounds positive, and I'm for anything that will help. I will call and set up an appointment. Most of the rest of my questions have been answered by reading other's posts, so I'll continue to work hard, monitor the forum, and post when I come across something I can't figure out. <BR> Thanks Again for your time and advice.