<BR>Okay, hi all, & I've had enough of this BS.<P>He was gone from work again all day today ( this is easy for him to do & to cover-up, since his job sends him on the road often....)...I showed up at his office for lunchh and got a BS story about him being "inthe field," and since his job is "sensitive," I can't get intohis office when he's not there to givepermission......<P>But for the last year and a half--- he has been so different at home..... dreamy and distatnt and weird...he finally admitted that he had an "on-line" woman-friend .... but it is much more than that now... I have found credit-card expenses for lingerie from Olga-Warners that was in a much smaller size than mine ( he said it was for ME, and that he exchanged it later for a bigger sizes..), and cell-phone recordes with a certain number over and over, which he says is for work, but a young lady just says hello when I dial it.... and the worst was a bill for jewelry (earrings) which he neverr gave me,,,,<P>and now he has gotten his left ear ierced and went nuts when I asked him about it and I see a receipt for TWO diamond earrings, and I know that SHE is wearing the other one.<P>He is gong away for a week soon, and I KNOW he is going to take HER, and not me, and I can't stand this.<P>And he has been doing all kinds of weird sex-stuff for the last year and a half, like handcuffs and toys and anal sex and I have been going along with ths crap for a long time to meet his needs, but ZI hate it really bad......<P>He keeps saYING THAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH HIM< NOT WITH ME< SO THAT MAKES ME SO HOPELESS........<P>if the problem is all him and not me, then what can I do to make things better?<P>I found a letter to her that is so passionate and full of love and talks about things they did that we never did because I don't like that stugff-- they rode horses and went skiing and went on jet-skis (IHATE water!) and to poetry-slams , what the hell is that? and they bought a show-dog together and she shows him, and I am so allergic t them, so what can I do?<P>I feel like I just can't compete with this other woman, she does all kinds of things... but we have two boys, great kids, and a really nice house, and we are great with our relatives.<P>He is abput to turn 49, so I think that she is his mid-life crisis woman, but she is still very unusual and I don't know what to do next. I feel that if I shove the bills in his face, and all the days that e has been coming home late etc. that he will say Fine, I'm Leaving, and he will NEVER come back, so what next???????? I feel like I am in a contest that I can't win because she is really different and does crazy syuff and is so different from me. When is the right time to let him know that I know?

My H began an affair with a woman he met over the internet at almost exactly the same age. I am sure a lot of people will disagree, but if I had to do it over again, I would NEVER confront him. Even though he had been withdrawn, and cruel to me for several months, at least he might not have left and he still would be a father to the children. He filed for divorce six weeks after he left, and that was almost 18 months ago.

I'd suggest you read all the Infidelity articles on the homepage here, and the "Basic Concepts" info as well.<P>Some folks a lot wiser than me posted recently to a guy who was trying to decide whether/how to confront his wife...you might want to read thisn thread...it is long, but there are several good posts on it...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/001523.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/001523.html</A>

I am probably in the minority, but I say WHY HAVEN"T YOU CONFRONTED HIM YET?! <P>If this were me, I'd be going nuts with all this information. I am not the type to sit back and take this. Yes, it would cause all hell to break loose, but I'd rather live with the pain of fighting and losing or fighting and getting our lives back together honestly and happily than to do nothing. But that is me. I know not everyone shares this view and I wouldn't push this on anyone at all! It *is a confrontational approach that is risky. <P>You have to do what is best for you and your family. Maybe you value peace and harmony more? I don't know. Maybe this will just fade away as his MLC settles. I don't know. I haven't had any experience with MLCs. <P>Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

Thanks all who replied- I have been reading and reading for weeks on this board, and re-read lots of things again today. The long thread about confronting was especialy good. <P>Popeye, I also am reaching the point where I can't stand this too much longer, but I feel really certain that if I lay out all the evidence, that he will say "You're right. And I'm leaving." He is right on the verge of walkng away, I can feel it, and has gotten bolder and stupider about leaving clus for me to find. He WANTS me to tell him to stop the affair or get out. <P>Oh, one of the "signs of a cheating spouse" is for SURE sudden new sex-tricks in the bedroom (I don't think I saw that one ). And I have been trying to PlanA him for almost a year, and we have been going to marriage counsling for 8 months, but this counselor keeps concentrating on problems we had before the affair, and does NOT want to think that the affair is our biggest problem .<P>I think my H would be like Nellie's H and just go away and never look back, so I am walking on eggs here and geting exhausted from it.<P>I will keep reading and planAing for as long as I can hold out, but this is very hard. I am feeling really used, but I do NOT want to get a divorce. I will keep the evidence to myself for now. The MLC makes it even worse, since he feels so un-satisfied with everything about his life now, and keeps hinting that the time is right for some "big changes" (like dumping me?).<P>I might get some phone counseling from the Harleys just for me and see what they think.Thanks again. <P>

Let me second your idea to call the Harleys for a session or two...<BR>Good luck.<P>Kathi

Hi Cheerleader,<P>I'm sorry you're going thru this, I've been there, you spend all your energy and every waking moment looking for clues and worring about what's going on. It's overwhelming.<P>I too think you should confront him. I confronted my H and he lied the first time, not enough evidence. I found more proof and confronted him a second time, he reluctantly confessed. I couldn't believe my ears. The nightmares of all nightmares. But I got thru it with help from everyone here.<P>When I confronted him it was in a loving way, but I did break down and cried all night after he admitted it. The reality of it was too much to believe. It was so sereal.<P>Listen, you say your H says the problem is with him and that makes it hopless for you. It doesn't have to be that way, Hon. But he is right to a point, the problem is with him. But it's a symptom of an unmet need(s) in your marriage. Don't get me wrong, what he is doing is very wrong and he knows it.<P>You do have control of you. You can become un-hopeless (is that a word?).<P>You can change you and take care of you, you are important. If you change how you react to things your H does or says, his reaction to you will change, I guarantee it.<P>There may be a long rode to travel before you and your H come to a place where you're friends again and can be close and talk, so in the meantime learn everything you can from the literature here, read posts and post to us so we can help you. But most of all pray for you and your H and we'll do the same.<P>God Bless and take care of yourself.<P>Jo