I have posted all over this board and have received "some" encouragement. I couldn't begin to tell you where my story is on this site.<P>All I know now is, my feelings for my H are dwindling rapidly , due to his inability to meet my emotional needs. H thinks I should be happy that he is here and he is not dead.<P>I'm sorry, but that does not make me feel secure in this relationship. The OW is gone, I'm pretty much positive of that. My problem is ... Every time I mention a program to help us, he bolts or revolts. I have done plan A and yes, he loved it immensely (who wouldn't!), but, he does not reciprocate. Sure, he has done some minor things that have given me hope but it is very short lived. <P>I have searched this site for answers and I tried to e-mail the Harley Family but to no avail, I can't find an answer. It seems as though you have two choices, do Plan A and hope they love what you are doing to change yourself so much that they come back to you (very frustrating and tiring) or do Plan B and gently threaten them into coming back and if not, you are ready, at this point to move on with your life.<P>What happens in my situation? The OW is gone, H came back with intentions (mutual) of working on the marriage, but now, we are reaching the "back to the same issues before the A" point. H thinks that all the self-help programs have too many holes and are asking one spouse to give up too much of what THEY want to do for the other to be happy.<P>He stands firm on this and will not co-operate at all. I feel really desperate and beginning to believe what my counselor told me early on after D-Day. That my H is and has always been emotionally unavailable to me and always will be until he decides to get some serious help, and that I may always live wanting more than I can get from him, if I chose to stay with him.<P>Your Plan B suggests that we separate and not see spouse, but that is not possible, due to our circumstances, and not only that, I don't want to separate, he is not seeing OW, he is here and we are back-peddling.<P>Any suggestions? I am so frustrated and I can not get back those loving feelings. I'm losing it fast, I told him the other night that the "honeymoon" must be over.<P>I hope this makes sense to you and maybe one of these pros will read me and help!<P>Sincerly, Cathy

Catplay,<P>I suggest you make an appointment w/Steve Harley--I am certain he will have lots of advice for you!<P>I am not in an infidelity situation, but have had three sessions w/him so far and I feel he has given me tremendous insight and has helped to keep me on the path I need to be on right now.<P>Good Luck!!

Woah! You'r not done with plan A. Your husband has come back, no OW--all you've done is backslide into past problems. Now is the perfect time to restart plan A. Another suggestion: whatever he expects you to do, don't just not do it--do the exact opposite. If he expects you to gripe about something not done, praise him; if he expects an angry response, laugh about it. Try this for a while. It may surprise him enough to become emotionally avaiable. <P>I'm not sure how much time he's been back. Have you tried a controlled separation? Stop doing the usual things for him: emotional support, mealtimes, outings. I know it sounds like game playing, but I'm thinking that you need to make yourself empotionally unavailable to him.

Okay Cathy,<P>So your H is 100% resistant to trying ANYTHING in the way of counseling or help with the marriage. I do understand. Unfortunetly there are alot of H's that feel as your H does.<P>Seems like your H is in a Taker mode, meaning he wants to know "What's in it for me". So I suggest you try something fun.<P>I suggested this same thing to a girlfriend where her H was also resistant to counseling or any kind of outside help (books included).<P>First buy the book SAA, if you don't already own it. Then tell your H you would like to do something nice for him in exchange for him to read a chapter of the SAA book w/a verbal book report to you.<P>Make it fun, tell him he can have whatever he wants from you in exchange (a popular request is certain sexual favors).<P>A 1:1 exchange, 1 Chapter/Book Report from H equals whatever H desires from you at that time.<P>I'm not trying to say your situation isn't serious and painful by offering this suggestion, Cathy. I do know you're hurting. I think you should really give this a try. It can't hurt.<P>Hope I've helped a little,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 16, 2000).]

Wife of Cop and GSD<P>First, I can't afford Dr. Harley's conference, as helpful as it may be, I wish I could.<P>Second, I have tried to make myself emotionally unavailable to him, and when I do, he gets upset and thinks that I'm obessessing about (OW) and he starts this guilt trip, thinking we will never get better b/c of what he has done to us and will go to bars and drink and stay out late, knowing I'll be devastated. I think he does this to get back at me, kind of a subliminal threat, you know. Then we'll put distance between us for awhile, usually until I break<BR>down after a couple of glasses of wine. Then we'll make ammends and start all over.<P>He honestly believes that I can't and would never make it without him b/c the children and I need him too much for him to leave us again. He has promised that he would never do that again.<P>My H's affair began in Sept.98 and D-day was July 99, finally gave up all contact with OW in Feb.2000. He came home in Oct. 99 but, went back and forth until Feb., when I offered him an ultimatum. When he came back home I tried so hard to show him how much he means to me, and began doing for him all the things that I know I should have done for years. Maybe it's all a little too unbelievable for him? I am also having a difficult time knowing he can compare me to someone else (posted on another thread).<P>I want so badly to know how and where she lives, what she's like and looks like... all that curious stuff. Maybe if I were more like her, things would be better. She is supposed to be a real looker! with lots of sex appeal and very flirtatious. He said that men were always wanting to be with her and the thing that bothers him the most is that she wanted HIM over all the others and she told him she worshipped the ground that he walks on. She called him cutesy little nicknames ( so not my nature). I just can't compete with her, although we are near the same age, we have totally different morals and beliefs and responsibilities. May be he is over her, I am not.<P>Thanks for your time,<BR>Cathy

Resilient,<P>You have got to be the sweetest thing in this world. You take the time from all of you extremely serious problems and respond to mine is so gracious of you.<P>I really appreciate your suggestions and that sounds like a wonderful idea. I will definitely give it a try (need to get that book).<P>Did I read on one of these threads that your H is a musician? My H is a singer, has been since cat was a kitten and will never give that up, and that's ok with me, he is awesome!!! Only wish he could have made it, then again... all those groupies!!!<P>Thanks again and I hope that your problems are a little less painful today than the other night.<P>Sincerely, Cathy