Hi All,<P>Now this sounds pretty fundamental, but I thought I'd post it because whenever I start thinking about how much I miss my H and how sad I get thinking we might never be together again, I remind myself that I wouldn't want him back like he is right now.<P>We are all suffering, but those of you who are separated would probably agree with me on this. If our WS returned as they are right now, in their fog and doing and saying hurtful things, we could end up in a worse situation than we are now.<P>I guess I'm saying we're not ready until they're ready. And we can't control when that will be. We can only work on ourselves and pray.<P>If my H came back right now as he is, he would continue to lie and sneak around, he would resent being with me and might even start hating me. Not to mention the flack I'd take from the OW.<P>Even tho I really hate being apart from my H, I don't want him back as he is.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Thanks Josie<P>I have been mooning over the fact that my H loves somone else and he will never have the same feelings for me again. Well, you know what? I WOULDN'T want him as he is now. He would never be able to see how he would miss this life we have created because he is so addicted to OW. When he can refocus on us, then I will want him as an H, and not just someone in our room-=-I am in another. I should try harder not to let the imaginings of my mind cloud what is truly important here. Our children our marriage and our future. Only then would he be willing to put some real efforts into changes for the good of us all. Me too! I will try harder to not be part of the problem(moping, and making him feel guilty.) Thanks for the kick-start. I needed it really bad.....Do I love this web site, or what?!

Thanks Josie<P>I have been mooning over the fact that my H loves somone else and he will never have the same feelings for me again. Well, you know what? I WOULDN'T want him as he is now. He would never be able to see how he would miss this life we have created because he is so addicted to OW. When he can refocus on us, then I will want him as an H, and not just someone in our room-=-I am in another. I should try harder not to let the imaginings of my mind cloud what is truly important here. Our children our marriage and our future. Only then would he be willing to put some real efforts into changes for the good of us all. Me too! I will try harder to not be part of the problem(moping, and making him feel guilty.) Thanks for the kick-start. I needed it really bad.....Do I love this web site, or what?!

Well, in a sense I have my WS and he's not ready.<P>OW is breaking it off with him, but that's not my H's choice. He says he'll work on the marriage, but needs time to settle into her decision. <P>I'm just so sad and confused right now. For the whole time since d-day (2 1/2 months), I've said what I wanted was to work on our marriage. But now after all this and knowing it's HER choice not his, I don't know if I can do it. How can I ever get over this? How can I ever trust him again? He will continue to work with her. He has a grocery list of things that need to improve on my part, but right now I don't even want to try to improve those things. And yet, I'm sure he can't give me the love I'd need unless I do. So maybe we're at an impass? I won't do anything drastic now, but without some real committment and desire for our marriage on his part, I don't know that I want to work on my part.

after 10 months of H and I being reconciled I now relize that the issues that really broke us up in the first place are still here. He is now on to another OW and is again telling me he feels lost and hollow. Just this time he is trying to deal with all of the guilt of the past year. I regret now that I ever let him come home. I should have said no until I was sure of his feelings. <P>Jill

My H came home 6 times...and even though he thought he had the intent of "trying"...he didn't. I very nearly didn't let him home the last time, it was our longest separation at 5 months. But, he's a changed man.<P>I often thought we got along better during the separations than the reconcilations. At least during the separations, when he was at the house, he was intentional about being here and a lot more talkative. We often ran into trouble with the "old" habits of TV, computer--time spent apart within the house. Sometimes I thought he must have a word limit for the day--and wasn't about to waste it.<P>Getting back together with someone who won't commit, or re-commit, to the marriage is time in purgatory, I think you've got it right, Jo, but each time my H came home, as I look back, something was a little different. And this time, we're both for the marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Resilient:<BR>I agree with you. Even tho... my h never left our home, he left our marriage and wasn't really ready to come back yet.<P><BR>Great insight!!<P>Judy

You are right on. I kind of knew my H wasn't ready to come back 10 months ago but I was just so relieved that he wanted to come home I let him. Now here we are 10 months later, H is on to OW #2 and we are again facing the same issues we did a year ago. When I look back on this past year it was only about H and his withdrawel and guilt from and about OW#1. So yes I totally agree until you really feel that your spouse is ready to come home and work on just the two of you its best to stay apart. <P>Jill<p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited August 17, 2000).]

:0 :0<BR>I didn't relize I posted an answer here already! Can you tell it's early morning!!

Exactly right Resilient! My H came home 3 times before the final time and it was hell. He expected to be able to come home and haqve everything be exactly the same right away. He wasn't ready to give up contact with OW. His idea of trying at that time was just being in the house. He acted weird and uncomfortable every time (each time lasted about a week). Of course I was jumping through hoops trying to be cheery and act like everything was okay which was very stressful. When he came home the final time it was totally different. He was ready and wanted to be there. It wasn't about "trying", we were going to be together, he had decided. He didn't act strange anymore. Of course I still had stress for another month or so, waiting for him to change his mind again but things just kept getting better. Having him come home when he wasn't ready was worse than not having him there at all.

My H also came home 5 or 6 times. I think it was not until the OW realized it was not going to work for them that he finally chose to stay here. Recommitt and work on marriage? His idea of that is a far cry from mine.<P>I too feel his coming home was premature. He was really deep into withdrawal and had to deal with US at the same time. Very, very awkward... and depressing for both of us.<P>I regret my being or appearing so needy and accepting him back without his really changing himself and will always wonder if this is what he truly wanted. I also, and I guess this is normal, live in fear of his establishing another relationship out of lack of regard for ours, or knowing that I am a push-over.<P>I am very stubborn in the EN department b/c I want him to work just as hard as I do, but he doesn't "get it".<P>I didn't want him back with the same old issues lurking in our lives, but that's what I settled for and now I have to deal with it. <P>Cathy

Hi Jo, Good discussion, but can we talk a little more about how you can tell if they are ready? I hope to one day try and deciede if it is time. What do you think are the minimum requirements? It seems like it is such a fragile moment and alot of times they are not totally sure, how can you tell if you should go for it or wait and risk them cahnging their minds?<P>I guess the openness and honasty thing would be a basic requirement for me. But then again it would be hard to bring up and discuss since he wont admitt to anything and my suspicions only make him get defensive and say I don't trust him. <P>Hey jo, What are you up to these days? I miss talking to you. I have to say.. it sure rains alot here in the summertime.<BR>Lora

First off, I'm not so sure if it matters where they are physically, as much as it matters where they are mentally.<P>My H never left the house. In actuality, I had him *back* before he was ready to commit. His A was stopped dead in it's tracks when OW's H discovered the A. OW made the first move of breaking contact by making a NO CONTACT phone call approx. 2 weeks after d-day.<P>I will never know if he stayed with me because he wanted to or because he felt he got *duped*. Doesn't really matter to me. I got what I wanted: MY HUSBAND.<P>Now, the hard part was to convince him that I was what HE WANTED.<P>I definitely had the advantage in having him home (easier to plan A) and I definitely had the advantage because OW was out of the picture (*physical* competition eliminated).<BR>BUT, HE STILL WASN'T *HOME*....he still wasn't committed. I was still competing with the OW's ghost.<P>So, what did I do? Well, for about 3-4 months I moped, had my own personal pity party, was very angry, resentful, bitter. H DIDN'T DESERVE ME....right????<P>So, now what did we have? We had two angry, bitter people living under the same roof, eash resenting the hell out of each other. So who makes the first move? Who reaches out first?<P>PLAN A is all about reaching out first. It's about seeing past the resentment and giving unconditionally with the hope that eventually you will get back all that you've given...perhaps threefold.<P>If your H's are home with you (or even if they aren't) and you find yourself stuck in *no man's land*, if there is a chance to bring them *back* then consider being the first to reach out.<P>You have to be willing to take the chance. You can't get a home run unless you swing the bat. Step up to the plate and play the GAME. Take a full cut at the ball...aim for the stars.<P>Extend your hand, and perhaps his heart will follow.<P>Peace, ~Marie

Thanks Resilient for posting this issue.<P>I agree with all of you. Until they are ready, whether they are at home or somewhere else, they're still going to be who they are at the present. They won't change or do anything to change until they want to change. And we can not control them or make them change. My W too, has never left home, physically she is here with us, but mentally she is with him. But recently, she wants to spend 20 minutes a day talking to me about kids'stuff. I hope this will lead to a better conversation about us somedays. But for now, I will respect her decision to just talk about the kid's stuff. She reminded me one thing about the birds. She said if you want them to come to you, just stay still, don't do anything to disturb them. Once they come to you and be familiar with, they will learn to trust you and be comfortable with you.<P>Well here is my 2 cents.<P>Thank you<P>OOOO<P>PS. Hi Resilient, I'm still in the Seattle area until Saturday. So far I'm having fun and I like WA.<BR>