I am seriously considering getting a roommate. The reasons are purely financial; I am tired of borrowing from my parents every month. Six months ago, when we first found out my W was pregnant, I asked a guy at work if he wanted to move out of his parents' house. At the time he couldn't afford it, but today he asked me if the offer was still open. I told him I would get back to him tomorrow.<P>I called my W tonight to ask her if she had any objection. She is not happy about it, but she didn't have any serious concerns. The only thing she mentioned was the adjustments for our 2-year-old S. She knows the guy, and gets along with him, so that's not a problem.<P>My question is, how does this affect a possible reconciliation? We have been separated since December, and she refused to say anything positive because she doesn't want me to get my hopes up. Has anyone done this? How did the BS feel? What did the WS think?<BR>

Beerman2 -<P>Hi, just a quick thought. As a WS, taking in a roommate, even though you would be helping out your friend and meeting your financial obligations, I would feel in some way like that guy was taking my place. Not in a relationship way but in that he would be occupying the space that I once did. And maybe there wouldn't be room for me - if and when I decided to come home. If I was thinking about coming home - it may make me delay that until the roommate is gone. I know your wife doesn't want to get your hopes up, and maybe you should move forward with a roommate, but that's just how I would feel - like there's no room for me now, why bother?<P>I don't know if that makes sense or not. And, I know you have financial obligations to meet. I'm sorry I don't know the full story of why your W is out of the house, but is there anyway she can contribute to rent? Maybe she might be willing to help you out . . .If she doesn't or can't financially help you out, you might want to just ask her how she feels about the situation - I mean I know she says she doesn't mind, but I would ask if it would affect her not coming home, or not coming home at all. If your W still needs time to think things out, and doesn't want to move home anytime soon, you may want to tell your friend that it would have to be on a monthly basis.<P>See, I have some friends who recently got divorced. They had this huge house and offered a friend a place to stay until he got acquainted with the area - he had moved there for a new job. Anyway, this was one year after they were married, and the guy stayed for a year. Even though they had plenty of room, I think, to some degree, this arrangement negatively affected their marriage.<P>I don't think they were ever really comfortable with each other while the other person was in the house. I would try and see how your W REALLY feels about it - she may be saying that your son will have problems adjusting - when really it may be her. . .Again, if there's no hope that she will return, I don't see why you have to suffer, either. Good luck, I know this is a tough situation for you.

SKM,<P>Thank you for your response. The points you brought up are why I asked her about it at all. I don't want her to think that she can't come home if she wants to, and I have tried to reassure her of that, but, I don't know if she really believes it. I did ask her how she felt about it, but, it's a tricky situation. I'm not allowed to ask her about her plans, and if I press her about how she feels about me getting a roommate, to her, that would be asking for a decision. If she is against it, then she must want to come home; if she doesn't care, then she isn't. Even though she doesn't want me to have a roommate, she doesn't feel she can say that because then I might feel that she wants to come home.<P>The reason we separated was because of her ongoing affair. A couple of months afterward she got pregnant with OC. She is now seven months pregnant and having a tough time emotionally and financially. I want to support her any way I can, but, at the same time, I have to help myself also. Plan a is working in the sense that she hasn't filed for divorce. I know she feels very guilty for everything and I think that is the biggest obstacle to our reconcilliation. On the other hand, she is still in touch w/MM, which makes it hard for me.<P>What you say makes sense. Those are the concerns I have also, hopefully, I'll get some more input. Thanks again.<P>Steve

Beerman2,<P>You know, you are going to have to make a decision pretty soon about many things and so is she. Since you and I live in the same state, I know you are going to have to address yourself to the issue of presumed paternity pretty soon. If you don't divorce her, or do something else you will be financially liable for OC for many many years whether or not your W comes back.<P>This decision must be made within the next two months as she is 7 months pregnant. It seems to me that having a roommate now will cause this really hard decision to be even harder. Can it wait for a month or two?<P>You and your W really need to talk whether she wants to or not. She may think something good will give false hope, but what she doesn't realize is that if you give up hope, then she loses her options. I doubt that MM will be her savior.<P>Beerman2, you have shown unbelievable strength in this mess, but you and W need to get working on things: either ending the marriage or healing it. If you let it coast, the odds are very high you will lose big time, both W and S as well as a boat load of money.<P>You don't have the luxury of waiting until this child comes into the world. Please see a lawyer and see what can be done. <P>After all of this unsolicited advice, I would suggest waiting on the roommate for a month or so, but if finances really decree have him come on with the understanding that your situation is very unstable right now.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Beerman2,<P>I think if you can at all avoid getting a roommate, I would. In your wife's mind it's a detourant in reconciling, or maybe another excuse. She may also view it as you accepting separation as permanent and moving on with your life.<P>If you find financially you absolutely have to, then have a talk with your W and explain to her this is a temporary situation (for a term) until you get on our feet financially.<P>In regards to the paternity matter, I see Just Learning says you will be liable for OC until you do something legal, well having been in this situation TWICE I can tell you you simply need to get a Blood or a DNA test that will prove you are not the BIO father, hence no liability. At least here in the State of WA that is the scenario (WA is also a Community Property State).<P>Hope I've helped a bit.<P>Best ...<BR>Jo

Well, kids, I guess the next step is to talk to a lawyer. Resilient, there is no doubt about the paternity of the OC. JL, this is something I will ask a lawyer, but, if I am not the father, but I am the husband of record, will I still be liable for child support? As you know, in CA even if I file for divorce today, it won't be final for six months.<P>She has said that she does not want child support for our S since I have him roughly half the time. I realize that I am taking a chance depending on her compassion and generosity, but I can't bring myself to not believe her.<P>I don't absolutely have to get a roommate at this time. My folks will continue to help me for as long as I need it; it's more of a self-esteem issue. Thanks for the help.<P>Steve

Steve,<P>You need to talk to bystander about this, but surely a lawyer. In CA as most states, if you are married to W and she has a child you are presummed to be the father. Period, end of story. That means that you are liable for CS for that child although not yours until he/she is an adult.<P>As for your S together, well you know you are going to pay there. Your W can not give away what the CA considers the childs rights, even if she signs something about not wanting CS, the state can still come after you.<P>You are right not to trust her for at least two reasons. One, she isn't very trustworthy, and two she doesn't know the laws any better than you or I. Go to a lawyer NOW.<P>Learn your options and then make a decision. But know enough so that the decision is yours, not California's or your W's.<P>I just read something here on the board that "presummed paternity" is now in place in all 50 states. However, apparently have differing times before which the presumption is final. I don't know about CA, never been in this situation, but I don't think you have much time after child is born if any time.<P>Steve, you will be doing yourself and your S a great deal of good to protect yourself. You will need the money to raise your S, if the marriage doesn't work. So protect him and yourself, get the information.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Paternity:<P>I (actually H) have experienced this twice.<P>My H fathered a OC with a married woman. The woman's H was considered the BIO/Legal father UNTIL the blood/DNA tests were done. However, the birth certificate read "Father: Unknown" By law, both Blood and DNA tests cannot be done to the child until they are at least 6 mos of age. My H had to go for blood and DNA which showed him to be the BIO father 99.98%. The OW H's also went which showed 0% probablity. NO LIABILITY WHATSOEVER.<P>The Woman's H was no longer liable in ANY WAY for that child, that happened at the 7 month mark (OC was 7 mos old).<P>This happened twice to my H and I so I know what I'm talking about for the State of Washington, which is very similar to the State of California. <P>My best advice to you, Beerman2, is to secure an attorney. My H and I retained a VERY aggresive Attorney, that specialized in Paternity. He was well worth the money.<P>Hope this has helped.<P>There may be a Website I can point you to, give me a few minutes tho.<P>Jo

Resilient,<P>Hopefully, CA will be the same. If so, I have nothing to worry about re: OC. In any event, I have an appointment w/a lawyer next thursday.<P>Steve

P.S. It's funny, I never post in pregnancy/child forum because, until now, her pregnancy has not been the most important issue for me. It's staggering to realize that I could be financially responsible for a child that's not mine. Do I get custody too? <P>Steve

Beerman2,<P>No, you get the bills. <P>If the child is deemed to be yours, by law, not biology, I suspect you get visitation, but check it all out very carefully. There is nothing "fair" about these laws, the only focus is to protect the child and if someone get screwed sobeit. <P>Talk that lawyers ear off, and then listen very carefully to what he says. Each state is a little different.<P>Yes, you can be nailed even if you are not the father.<P>Take Care,<P>JL

Beerman2,<P>Here are some URLs that may help.<P>Good Luck, Dude! -Jo<BR> <A HREF="http://www.peak.org/~jedwards/paternity.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.peak.org/~jedwards/paternity.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.vix.com/pub/men/child-support/paternity.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.vix.com/pub/men/child-support/paternity.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.dnacenter.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dnacenter.com/</A> <BR>