Searching -<P>Geez, that's a lot of questions. I don't have much time but, here's quick responses, hope you don't mind . . .<P>1. Forgiving myself for what I have done . . .Even though I am doing well in recovery, I still don't think I've forgiven myself, and I don't know when I'll forgive myself. I know that my H forgives my 100%, God forgives me 100%, right now, I think I've only forgiven myself .05%. The thing that has helped me even consider forgiving myself is the fact that I come on this board and try to help Betrayed Souses understand what their WS may be thinking going through. It's like I'm helping others - so I can't be all that bad. But, I think forgiveness for yourself - at least for me - will be the last thing that happens. Yes, your H needs to forgive himself, but I think he definitely needs complete forgiveness from you before he can even consider forgiving himself. You can't forgive half-way . . .And I'm not ready to forgive myself - even though I am totally committed to my H, and am "in love with him."<P>2. H doesn't feel "in love," yes been there. Sometimes, I still doubt that being in love can happen. But recently, I don't know if it's another type of breakthrough or not, but My feelings for my H - those in love feelings are returning - even stronger than before. I think it is possible to get those in love feelings back . . .<P>3. Yes, I am obsessed with my H having an affair. In fact, I always thought it WOULD be him to have the affair - not me, I'm not like that, I have good values, I'll never have an affair - yeah right. I guess, if I don't even trust myself - I've already had one - I find it hard to trust my H, too. I'm afraid he will have an A out of revenge, or just because I know how easily you can get sucked in. It's strange, but I know how you H feels.<P>4. Falling in love, love at first sight, they're all fairy tales. I think I could fall "in love" in lust whatever, with anyone. It's the long, comfortable love, that still maintains passion and spontaneity that takes hard work. Meeting each other's needs is hard work - but worth every effort. My H and I, too became too involved in everyday life - that we never really lived life - if you know what I mean. We both lost sight of the thing that should be the most important to us - our relationship. We pay bills, we work to pay bills, work, money, material things, begin to take top priority. You really do need to shift your priorities around in order to maintain love and those "in love" feelings.<P>Your H complains that you read too much on the subject - I don't think you could read enough on the subject. It really helped me to read about infidelity to understand how this could have happened to me? Why did I have an A when I was even looking for one, when I didn't think I was unhappy? It helps me to realize what I have to do to save my marriage, and give me hope to know the possibilities. Coming on this site, has been a life-saving experience for me, you just don't know . . .Not all people need to be bookworms, but I think it would help him to understand why and what now.<P>5. I agree, honesty is the key to preventing an A from occurring. Like your H, I am TERRIFIED, absolutely TERRIFIED that I could have another affair - a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. I failed once, gave in once, a precedent has been set. BUT, if you live in fear that this could occur, it's almost like it's doomed to happen. I think now, both my H and I are both aware of what can happen. I think we both know that we have to talk honestly about our feelings.<P>Next week, we're going on vacation, we are renewing our vows (sort of). We're going to read promise statements to each other. As I wrote my promise statement - I really believed everything I wrote. But I'm still feeling a bit anxious, because I'm afraid I'll mess up again. I don't want to go through all of this again. Shortly after I ended the A, I wrote my H a love letter. It sounds so high schoolish, but it really helped me to focus on those things that I loved about my H - he really is an awesome guy - and I came believe I came so close to losing him.<P>Each time I post here about how amazing he has been, or how he has forgiven me, or how he still loves me - even after all that I had done - it just reaffirms my love for him. It's always been there . . .I just had to dig it out. Our love was like a penny that's been buried in the mud. It has always been there, it has the same value - that doesn't change. It's just a little dirty. So far, my H and I have been able to unearth it, we're washing it off, polishing it up, and you know, today it is shinier than it ever has been.<P>Sometimes, WSs cannot see the possibilities because their too confused. They think they should be in love - before things get back to normal - like putting the cart in front of the horse. You need to get back to normal before you can be in love. <P>6. I don't think you suddenly fall out of love. I never looked for an A I never looked for anyone else to love me. I never even really knew I was unhappy. After doing a lot of reading
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and soul searching, I can understand that my needs were not being met - for whatever reasons. The key is not to place blame but to do what you need to do to get better.<P>I really have to run right now. I hope this helps a little bit. Take care. . .