I love the fact that both BS & WS are on this site so we can learn from one another. I have some questions - only if you're up to answering them.<BR>Short background - D-day was Jan 2000, Feb 2000 discovered I was pregnant, May 2000 H finally ended it with OW because I told him he never even gave us a chance. It's been rocky since but has been good lately. He's a 'little' happier now because we're getting along, he wants to do things for me again, what's important to him is my happiness & he said he's only focussing on me & the unborn baby right now. We are his priority.<BR>So here are the questions:<BR>1. I'm working on forgiving him which can only happen a little step at a time. But I've told him he must also forgive himself. I've told him he's made a mistake but that doesn't make him a terrible person. He believes this is the worst thing he can possibly have done to me. How did you get onto the road of forgiving yourselves?<P>2. He has loved me throughout but gave me the 'I'm not in love with you' line. He's in love with OW, planned on spending the rest of his life with her (as her H#3)blah blah. Now he says he wants to get back to the 'place' we were when he loved me so much he'd spend eternity with me. Were you open to falling back in love with your BS or did you think it was hopeless? What were the steps you took?<P>3. He's obsessed with the 'damage' he's done to our marriage & wonders if I'll end up doing the same thing - meeting another man & falling in love with him. How did you get over the negative thoughts? The faith is only a little bit there for him.<P>4. He believes 'falling in love' should be easy like it was the first time. He doesn't quite understand all this hard work & believes relationships should naturally come together. How do I convince him otherwise? That somewhere along the way we became caught up with mortage payments, work, etc that we forgot to concentrate on enriching our marriage on a daily basis. He thinks I'm doing too much - reading articles, books, this web-site, talking things out with him.<P>5. He's afraid of doing this again 5, 10, 15 years from now. I told him he won't as long as we carefully deal with the problem, he remains honest & communicates with me every step of the way. Do you fear you'll lapse? Are you strong in your convictions re: how to affair proof a marriage?<P>6. While I'm trying to fix what went wrong, he thinks the answer is simple - he just fell out of love. 'It happens'. Did you feel the same? How did you come around to working on the problems?<P>I think that's it for now. I'm talking these issues out with my H but I just wanted to get more insight from WS who are further ahead than my H is. He's coming out of the fog & withdrawal period (it appears)& we're working on the 'faith' part.<BR>Thanks

Searching -<P>Geez, that's a lot of questions. I don't have much time but, here's quick responses, hope you don't mind . . .<P>1. Forgiving myself for what I have done . . .Even though I am doing well in recovery, I still don't think I've forgiven myself, and I don't know when I'll forgive myself. I know that my H forgives my 100%, God forgives me 100%, right now, I think I've only forgiven myself .05%. The thing that has helped me even consider forgiving myself is the fact that I come on this board and try to help Betrayed Souses understand what their WS may be thinking going through. It's like I'm helping others - so I can't be all that bad. But, I think forgiveness for yourself - at least for me - will be the last thing that happens. Yes, your H needs to forgive himself, but I think he definitely needs complete forgiveness from you before he can even consider forgiving himself. You can't forgive half-way . . .And I'm not ready to forgive myself - even though I am totally committed to my H, and am "in love with him."<P>2. H doesn't feel "in love," yes been there. Sometimes, I still doubt that being in love can happen. But recently, I don't know if it's another type of breakthrough or not, but My feelings for my H - those in love feelings are returning - even stronger than before. I think it is possible to get those in love feelings back . . .<P>3. Yes, I am obsessed with my H having an affair. In fact, I always thought it WOULD be him to have the affair - not me, I'm not like that, I have good values, I'll never have an affair - yeah right. I guess, if I don't even trust myself - I've already had one - I find it hard to trust my H, too. I'm afraid he will have an A out of revenge, or just because I know how easily you can get sucked in. It's strange, but I know how you H feels.<P>4. Falling in love, love at first sight, they're all fairy tales. I think I could fall "in love" in lust whatever, with anyone. It's the long, comfortable love, that still maintains passion and spontaneity that takes hard work. Meeting each other's needs is hard work - but worth every effort. My H and I, too became too involved in everyday life - that we never really lived life - if you know what I mean. We both lost sight of the thing that should be the most important to us - our relationship. We pay bills, we work to pay bills, work, money, material things, begin to take top priority. You really do need to shift your priorities around in order to maintain love and those "in love" feelings.<P>Your H complains that you read too much on the subject - I don't think you could read enough on the subject. It really helped me to read about infidelity to understand how this could have happened to me? Why did I have an A when I was even looking for one, when I didn't think I was unhappy? It helps me to realize what I have to do to save my marriage, and give me hope to know the possibilities. Coming on this site, has been a life-saving experience for me, you just don't know . . .Not all people need to be bookworms, but I think it would help him to understand why and what now.<P>5. I agree, honesty is the key to preventing an A from occurring. Like your H, I am TERRIFIED, absolutely TERRIFIED that I could have another affair - a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. I failed once, gave in once, a precedent has been set. BUT, if you live in fear that this could occur, it's almost like it's doomed to happen. I think now, both my H and I are both aware of what can happen. I think we both know that we have to talk honestly about our feelings.<P>Next week, we're going on vacation, we are renewing our vows (sort of). We're going to read promise statements to each other. As I wrote my promise statement - I really believed everything I wrote. But I'm still feeling a bit anxious, because I'm afraid I'll mess up again. I don't want to go through all of this again. Shortly after I ended the A, I wrote my H a love letter. It sounds so high schoolish, but it really helped me to focus on those things that I loved about my H - he really is an awesome guy - and I came believe I came so close to losing him.<P>Each time I post here about how amazing he has been, or how he has forgiven me, or how he still loves me - even after all that I had done - it just reaffirms my love for him. It's always been there . . .I just had to dig it out. Our love was like a penny that's been buried in the mud. It has always been there, it has the same value - that doesn't change. It's just a little dirty. So far, my H and I have been able to unearth it, we're washing it off, polishing it up, and you know, today it is shinier than it ever has been.<P>Sometimes, WSs cannot see the possibilities because their too confused. They think they should be in love - before things get back to normal - like putting the cart in front of the horse. You need to get back to normal before you can be in love. <P>6. I don't think you suddenly fall out of love. I never looked for an A I never looked for anyone else to love me. I never even really knew I was unhappy. After doing a lot of reading and soul searching, I can understand that my needs were not being met - for whatever reasons. The key is not to place blame but to do what you need to do to get better.<P>I really have to run right now. I hope this helps a little bit. Take care. . .