Following discovery of being cheated on did the cheating spouse ever show in your opinion genuine remorse? If so did the remorse bring change or was it simply because they were caught?

Hi Jeremy,<P>When my H had an A 9 years ago, he did not show what you would call "remorse" per say. He tried very hard in his own way, by doing things for me and being there for me. He never really said he was sorry and that he made a mistake.<P>He is a very proud man, and in a way he acted as tho he was justified in what he did and that the women he was involved with burned him. I never thought he felt as lucky as I felt to have our relationship/marriage back. The feelings I got from him were that "I" was lucky to have him back. <P>But he did try in his own way, I guess it was his type of remorse.<P>Jo

Mine didn't. That has been a hard thing for me to accept and get over. After almost a year, I am still not completely over the pain of his affair. I feel it would have been easier for me to resolve my negative feelings about his infidelity had he been truly remorseful for what he did to our marriage, and to my heart. Only my faith in God has gotten me through this excruciating trial.

My H has shown no remorse. In fact, he has been more callous about all things and has dropped the facade about caring about things people "should" care about. Just no regard.<P>However, he has shown that he wants to come back. His latest fling seems to have fallen apart and he is looking for a safe and comfortable place to lay his head. His fog is lifting and he's seeing that all the OW were cheap, drunken whores looking for money and a good time. He has lost his belief in them and is questioning what is real and who he can trust. Guess where he is looking? Ta da! Right back here where it used to be home.<P>But, he doesn't have a home to come back to anymore. Too much, too little, too late, no remorse, and no desire to change. Who wants to go back to that?<P>So, I guess my point is to all you betrayers, try and look at your situation realistically. By the time you figure out what a gold mine you always had at home, you might not have it to go back to anymore.

I don't feel my H has shown genuine remorse either. From the point of discovery he's been belligerent whenever the subject comes up. I know that he blames me for his seeking an affair so as someone mentioned aboved, in a way I think he think he was justified. I don't think he knows or sees or even cares how much his affair hurt me.<P>If I at least got a sense from him that he was thankful that I was still willing to work on this with him, then I probably would feel a lot better about this. But I still feel like he's hiding things and not willing to really share himself and his thoughts with me.<P>I do think that he was genuinely sorry about one thing--getting caught.

My h. seemed sorry and cried when I started crying during his confession.<P>He seemed to finally understand what was at stake as he was packing to go stay with our pastor. That day, he broke down each time the kids did or said something cute or loving. (We never told them we were separating -- it seemed like a business trip to them). <P>He was out of the house for three weeks, and that did seem to help him grasp what he had done, although I sometimes think he would have had a more complete "repentance" if I hadn't let him back so quickly. <P>His remorse has always been "for lying and betraying you, my friend", never for the larger issue of adultery -- the sexual betrayal. <P>We have talked about why he isn't able to repent before God AND express sorrow to me for the adultery, and he said "I guess I'm not ready to look at the horror of what I've done - it is very difficult to admit that you've gone that far."<P>Our counselor reminded me privately that this healing is a process, and I cannot rush him through his stages anymore than he can insist I heal more quickly. Our minds protect us from what we are not able to handle. <P>In time, the betrayers will either process it and forgive themselves and move forward, or carry it and continue to think of themselves as adulterers.<P>just my nickels' worth.

We are all familiar with the old song that asked: "How can something that seems so right be so wrong?" <P>Many WS who come out of an affair...often have a prolonged sense of withdrawl. They are convinced they were 'in love' with the OP. The overwhelming sense of good feelings they derived from the relationship made it seem 'so right'. <P>It is difficult to be remorseful over something that you have not come to terms with as being 'very wrong'. You can have head knowledge of the fact. You can be 'sorry' for the pain you have caused. But until the reality of what you have really done is made real in your heart...there can be no genuine 'repentance' or expressed 'remorse'.<P>I would think it has to be a "God-thing" that brings a person to this point.<P>Give it time.

My H had a month long affair, not yet turned sexual, with someone he had met, so no existing emotional ties.<P>At first he was more embarrassed than anything. It was so out of character.<P>Then he was sorry it ever happened and I know if he could have erased the whole thing he would have...don't think he carries any more memories.<P>Then after several months he was remorseful and sought forgiveness.<P>Then I think it was pretty much out of his system, except after a year I asked him if he ever thought about it and he said yes, at least once a week. I can't believe I did it. I don't know what I was thinking. It was like someone else did it. I wish it had never never happened.<P>The point was, it came in stages that I think he needed to work through. I don't think he maybe could have handled it all at once.

I certainly am remorseful for the pain I caused my wife, and I know that any kind of betrayal is simply wrong. I know there was no justification for my betraying her, and I will do anything to earn her forgiveness, trust, and eventually, her love.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>I certainly am remorseful for the pain I caused my wife, and I know that any kind of betrayal is simply wrong. I know there was no justification for my betraying her, and I will do anything to earn her forgiveness, trust, and eventually, her love.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>so refreshing to hear an honest man.hope u have made wife well aware also as she is really the only one who needs to hear it.EVERYDAY.but also,heads up,what do u think led u there,discuss it...honestly...so that both of u can be sure to never go elsewhere lookiing for the things u need again.GOOD FOR YOU...am sure she probably does love u just so HURT and BETRAYED that it is indescribable.u need to help her (or get a counsellor)work thru the grief(it's as if her marriage "died")and she will go thru all the stages of grieving before real recovery can happen.i know i was there!am still working on it but dealing with a H who cant admit to anythin other than the stuff i literally but hard proof of so pretty uphill climb.he does not seem to understand what i hope u do and that is that honesty may hurt for a little while but dishonesty destroys everything...across the board.the betrayed person is literally blown away.even mundane things(aka rediculous)can re-kindle feelings of pain.be supportive.be open to a fault.give her a "safe" place to fall and the marriage u will end up with will probably blow u away!(i even told my h that in a strange way i thought this could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us!)keep on keepin on and God bless!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>I certainly am remorseful for the pain I caused my wife, and I know that any kind of betrayal is simply wrong. I know there was no justification for my betraying her, and I will do anything to earn her forgiveness, trust, and eventually, her love.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>so refreshing to hear an honest man.hope u have made wife well aware also as she is really the only one who needs to hear it.EVERYDAY.but also,heads up,what do u think led u there,discuss it...honestly...so that both of u can be sure to never go elsewhere lookiing for the things u need again.GOOD FOR YOU...am sure she probably does love u just so HURT and BETRAYED that it is indescribable.u need to help her (or get a counsellor)work thru the grief(it's as if her marriage "died")and she will go thru all the stages of grieving before real recovery can happen.i know i was there!am still working on it but dealing with a H who cant admit to anythin other than the stuff i literally but hard proof of so pretty uphill climb.he does not seem to understand what i hope u do and that is that honesty may hurt for a little while but dishonesty destroys everything...across the board.the betrayed person is literally blown away.even mundane things(aka rediculous)can re-kindle feelings of pain.be supportive.be open to a fault.give her a "safe" place to fall and the marriage u will end up with will probably blow u away!(i even told my h that in a strange way i thought this could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us!)keep on keepin on and God bless!<P>