H and I are not doing well at all. It will be going well for a few days or weeks, and then something sets us back. He and I can't communicate without it turning into a screaming/blaming match! Ofcourse he see's everything as being my fault, that it's all my "issue" that I need to deal with! It is as if he and I are ALWAYS competing for control over the relationship. We argue, don't speak for a few days and then start speaking (most times after sex) and just sweep everything under the rug until the next fight! We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I don't see it happening as man and wife. I don't want to lose my marriage but I would rather that than my own self worth and sanity. He doesn't want to try to understand or listen without jumping on the defensive as if I am attacking him, when he yells that sets me off and I start and we end up just two VERY ANGRY ADULTS WHO CAN"T KNOW HOW TO TALK OR UNDERSTAND. I am so tired of this. I want/need something more! It breaks my heart but I have to get out of this nonsense that seems to be going nowhere FAST!

I'm so sorry. Have you and your H tried counseling? Either seperate or together? <BR>Viki

I was flipping through the book Divorce Busting when something caught my attention. I can't remember it exactly as I don't have the book with me. It mentioned thinking about the last time you had a fight, what did your spouse do right before the fight, the minute before. It gave an example of a couple talking and when something started to bother one or the other it would heat up until, one would stomp out of the room and one would do something else (can't remember) The couple felt they were getting nowhere. Point being that right before the "big" fight there were clues to shut down the arguement because it was going no further. The one leaving the room, or voices raising, faces turning red, etc. If one of the two could recognize this point or both would be better, then they could agree to stop the fight before it began and try again after temper had cooled.<P>Just a thought.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P>

That is another arguement in itself. I feel like I am always the one that is trying to preserve this marriage, and I am too angry to continue doing so. I am tired of suggesting a counselor, (thought H say's he will SHOW UP...gee thanks!), I am tired of being the one to bring up a discussion that needs to be addressed to be given a defensive attitude and screaming match, I am tired of being the one to try to forgive, try to understand, trying to learn to trust! I am sure you get the point that I am too tired and too stressed from this marriage. We just can't get it right, we are both to angry, resentful, and yes stubborn, but if one person is carrying the relationship then that person will sooner or later start to fall and now I am starting to fall.

Did you read my thread, "Who cares"???<P>Could have been written by you!!!<P>How well I understand!<P>------------------<BR>A liberated woman is one who feels confident in herself,and is happy in what she is doing. She is a person who has a sense of self... -Betty Ford, b.1939

My counselor recommended a great book that has helped me and my H to understand and deal with the kind of communication you talk about. These patterns are typical of differences in male/female communication that cause these terribly frustrating patterns we tend to get into. The name of the book is That's Not What I meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. The author is Deborah Tannen. The book helped me to see what I was doing in the how I brought things up when trying to talk with my H and how the way he respondeed was pretty typical for most men. It helps sometimes to understand where we each are coming from as male/female. Check it out!