I know I will get slammed, I'm ready!!<BR>I WISH I could ask this of my W, "How can you deal, or live, with all the lies you told me?? She kept her family and anyone we know in the dark, too.<BR>Her actions always were contrary to her promises, before and after seperation. What will force her to confront or be confronted by them?<P>Gotta run, the car's getting a lube job.<P>rrunrr<P><BR>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<BR>Never take trust for granted.<p>[This message has been edited by rrunrr (edited August 19, 2000).]

My H's life is so much one big lie, that I don't think he knows the difference. He has been at it for so long that it is all he knows and for him it is his truth. The lies are the way they protect themselves and make it all "OK". I think that even if they return they will never fully acknowledge the lies, because it would be too painful and unbelievable even for them. But hopefully, they start out with a new real truth, and we try not to look backward. I can't speak from experience on this. I doubt I will ever see the truth again. <P>None of this can be undone. Forgiveness is hard, even though it is something you do for yourself. I have a hard time even thinking about it, much less doing it. And you are right. Don't take trust for granted. It would be really hard for me to accept anything as the truth in the future because trust has been so abused.<P>Don't know what would force the confrontation, but I think it would have to be something really scary to them. They are so comfortable where they are with their lies and double lives.<P>Good luck.

Everytime I find my H lying I confront him. You would think he would learn by now that I'm not stupid and can always tell when he is lying. He always apologizes and I thin he knows that his lies really hurt me and I know he feels bad but he just can't seem to stop himself. He is like a kid lying to his mother. He always has the excuse he didn't want to hurt me. I always tell him bull ****, he lies because he can't face the truth of his actions. <P>My H never lied before. I mean never that is why he is such a bad liar now. Because I know that he is not himself I can forgive his lies but I do let him know that I am very hurt by them.

Life will one day force her to confront all her lies....you can take this to the bank....What goes around comes around...

Yes, we acknowledge them, beat ourselves up for them, apologize for them and cry for them. At least some of us do. I can only speak for myself, though.

It won't help you much, but my husband knew that if he wanted me back, he had to work at it, and that meant telling me the truth about everything. Not just the affair, but when he's upset and I notice and ask "What's wrong?" and he'd lie that it was nothing. I told him from now on we have to be able to talk to each other honestly, about feelings and everything, or we might as well hang it up. So he has told me everything I have wanted to know, that he lied about. I hope your wife will come to the realization that you need honesty too, and that lies are too hurtful to live with forever. Good luck to you.

My betraying STBX has never acknowledged a single thing he didn't get caught red handed doing. Even if there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he will deny anything that makes him look bad if there is an ounce of doubt that he can claim. <P>He knew that the only way I could see us moving forward was if I had the truth. As the terrible things came out, I was actually relieved because I felt we finally had something to work on instead of uncertainty. He saw it differently. He saw it as blots against him. Even now that it is over, he continues to blame me, people who gossiped, the aggressive OW, and whomever else is convenient. <P>This isn't the type of guy who changes. Unfortunately, they can't all be saved no matter how much love and devotion we have.

Well, I asked this very question to her. The exact words were, "Doesn't it bother you that you have lied about everything for the past several years?"<P>Her answer, "it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers you."<P>Thanks. I needed that.

Hi there RRrunrr, (how may Rs are in your bloody name anywho)<P>My H lies with no effort. He makes it a way of life now. He told our therapist that he lies about everything. He even lies when he doesn't have to and lies about small insignificant things. He says he lies because I can't handle the truth, so it's my fault he lies. (Is that a lie too???) <P>As fare as acknowledgment of being a LIAR, my H does. As far as acknowledging the responsibility for doing it, thats another story.<P>I believe the lies he tells will always be someone else's fault. And I don't know if he'll ever stop lieing. <P>The lies are much more hurtful than most of this rollercoaster ride. I, being a black and white type person, have tried to base my decision making on info my H offers, but considering almost everything he says is a lie, my decisions are meaningless or bad because they're based on LIES.<P>Make sense?<P>Best,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 19, 2000).]

My husband acknowledges his lies...but there are still hazy patches where he has difficulty remembering what is the truth between what he told me and what occurred.<P>You know, the first time I found out about the OW, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. And he told me a lot...so much that there are certain things I still react with aversion to...like my crockpot. The last time they resumed their affair and I found out, I didn't want to know so much...I just wanted to know it was over. But there aren't any guarantees during that shaky time called withdrawal.<P>Ask yourself, if you are in recovery, what benefit will come to your marriage from hashing & re-hashing the crap? It makes the WS feel like a failure, no matter what efforts they are making for recovery--all you can think about is the stuff they did wrong.<P>Honesty is very important to the ongoing marriage. But as my H once said to me, "I lied, I cheated, I was an ###!!!!. I'm sorry, what more do you need to know?" It's a little cold in print, but it was said with great pain.<P>A spouse that is wanting the marriage is not laughing at you and the lies you swallowed, they are more than likely ASHAMED & want it moved into the past.<P>We are in recovery, both having had outside relationships during this awful time...and the best thing I have done for myself is to forgive & drop my H's past...and he wanted that so much for himself, he has asked me very little.<P>If you really want to ask questions, set aside a specific amount of time...even better at a counselor's office so somebody is translating and making sense of the whole thing. All I can say is it helped us, and we were into divorce paperwork.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Thanks for all the responses.<P>Yeah, resiliant,...one too many Rs.<P>I am stuck with a long distance Plan A, through letters and notes with an occasional fax. She avoids direct contact. I let her mother know I will not quit until who knows when.<P>But as my signature points out I intend to try to rebuild, if given the chance, by trying to forgive without asking for information. If she NEEDS to tell me, I will listen. That's the Hollywood fantasy right now. (BTW, it was my big sister whose front door was darkened by me ALOT when this started who first said "anything can be undone or forgiven." It just fell on my ears at the right moment, when I needed to hear it.) once in awhile I will use it as a signature in my notes to her, but sparingly.<P>A pastor / aquaintance who I met 20 + years ago said that for as long as the "sickness" in this marriage lasted, so will be the healing time. One down, four more years to go.<P>Speaking of hearing when you need to, at the right time, I just happened on a book while looking for a Bible in my house. It is at home and so I cannot say who the writer is, but it was in the preface that the addendum to my signature came from. I could not say how long ago she bought it, but it didn't look as if she had even opened it. It has helped but I should maybe read it again before I pour an ale?<BR>A small book, with alot to say.<P>Take care folks,<BR>rrunrr.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rrunrr:<BR><B>Thanks for all the responses.<P>Yeah, resiliant,...one too many Rs.<P>I am stuck with a long distance Plan A, through letters and notes with an occasional fax. I try not to call and interupt work. She avoids direct contact otherwise. I let her mother know I will not quit until who knows when?<P>But as my signature points out I intend to try to rebuild, if given the chance, by trying to forgive without asking for information. If she NEEDS to tell me, I will listen. That's the Hollywood fantasy right now. (BTW, it was my big sister whose front door was darkened by me ALOT when this started who first said "anything can be undone or forgiven." It just fell on my ears at the right moment, when I needed to hear it.) once in awhile I will use it as a signature in my notes to her, but sparingly.<P>A pastor / aquaintance who I met 20 + years ago said that for as long as the "sickness" in this marriage lasted, so will be the healing time. One down, four more years to go.<P>Speaking of hearing when you need to, at the right time, I just happened on a book while looking for a Bible in my house. It is at home and so I cannot say who the writer is, but it was in the preface that the addendum to my signature came from. I could not say how long ago she bought it, but it didn't look as if she had even opened it. "Trust". It has helped but I should maybe read it again before I pour an ale?<BR>A small book, with alot to say.<P>Take care folks,<BR>rrunrr.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.