My wife is having an emotional relationship with another man. She also says that she has been unhappy for 2yrs., yet she just told me this for the first time only 1.5 months ago. I think that this is very selfish of her. Instead of working on our relationship, she has elected to take the easy route. Of course it is easier to start a new relationship. Everybody remembers how they felt when they first fell in love with someone. It's not as easy to fix an existing relationship. Also, she apparently spent the last 2yrs unhappy and didn't bother to try to talk to me about it. I consider this equal to a lie. I am very angry, very confused & very frustrated. I can't concentrate on anything. I sure could use some support, advice and encouragement. If you can relate to this at all, please read my profile and help if you can.<P>cjv34@yahoo.com

cjv,<P>I read your post and profile. I am not very good with advise. I can only tell you that you have come to a good place. I didn't want your post to go without a response so I am responding until the others who are wiser than I respond.<P>Get the book Surviving An Affair. Build up love bank deposits and don't love bust. If you pray do it now. <P>Her agreeing to end the affair is a plus. <P>Meanwhile know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Yes, her agreeing to end the affair is a plus, as is her agreeing to see a Dr. <P>I really feel for you, and know exactly how you feel because I've only recently been introduced to the exact same feelings. My wife did "exactly" as yours did, but after 7 years of marriage and 4 kids. "BAM" - like you, for me it was the equivelent of being hit in the head unexpectedly from behind with a huge wrecking ball. There's the empty pit in your stomach, the constant confusion and total disbelief, the enormous anger because all of this "falling out of love" had been taking place over many years/months without you even knowing or being able to correct any of the issues causing the issue. In fact, my wife's habits were very much along the lines of everything's fine and wonderful. But all of a sudden this "stuff" has been building up in side of her for years. That's totally unfair and I totally understand where you're at right now.<P>Use this forum daily. I was also angry when I found the forum because it made sense to me only then and combined with my wife's current positon on the relationship that all those little things that usually mean nothing to us men in a relationship are actually very huge things that mean everything to the relationship and love to the women. How are we to know, if the wrongs and consequences are not made clear to us up front? <P>I don't have the answers, but I can only encourage you to be the champion - YOU - of restoring your relationship. She's in withdrawal. If your situation is like mine, that may mean that she really does love you, but no longer can afford to let herself admit it (at least she believes this) - and so she's erected a wall that even she doesn't quite know how to tear down just yet. Then there's that "emotional" affair. You'll learn quickly here that those are like the worst of all drugs. It will be hard for her, but its you and only you with practice, patience and a lot of time that can bring her out of it. You've got to somehow get the drug cut off. Use the Dr., make sure that she goes to her appointments. My guess is that she was a bit dissappointed that the Dr. told her to stop with the OM. In her current state of drug addiction, she may have hoped to use the Dr. as a conduit to tell you that she wanted to separate. On the other hand, she may need that forum with the Dr. to just vent and get out all that anger she built up over the past years. Like a vulcano that builds up energy over many years, she needs to release. What comes out my hurt you dearly, and although this sounds stupid, it will be good for both of you. YOU, use what ever comes out to learn from, and grow from in you relationship with her and all your relations with other people (friends, relatives, etc.) in life.<P>Keep working to get her to at least admit that she wants to work on the relationship for the two of you, even if she says that she doesn't have confidence that things will work. She must at least want to work on it. In my case, I had to know that she wanted to do it for us as a couple, and not for our kids - otherwise I wasn't willing to be a part of it no matter how much it ripped my heart and soul away.<P>Then keep working on her to fill out the emotional needs questionaire. Hopefully with counceling she'll eventually give in to doing this. Again, you may be hurt, but try to have a dialog on each issue. My wife and I started at 10pm one night and went on for about 8 hours total. And yes, it was hard to get her to "admit" that she wanted to do this. In our case, we are going to review and redo the questionaire about once every 6-8 weeks. I want her to "see" the progress.<P>By the way, I had to make some real drastic changes in the way our relationship has worked. You will also. And strangely enough, you may even like the new you (don't worry, it won't challenge your manhood as long as your heart is in the right place). Don't be alarmed if at first she is both frightened AND perhaps turned off by your "overnight" change. Because that's what it's going to be - overnight change. All of a sudden you're going to be the man she wanted and asked for, but she may actually hope that you fail because your success in changing takes away an excuss to escape to the OM. You keep going. <P>There are great people with even tougher situations here on this site. Listen to them - they've been on both sides of this fence. One of the many wonderful things I've learned from this forum for our situation and the changes we must make in order to save the marriage is:<P>1) you commit to championing the relationship back to Love. You resolve that you may have to go through hell several times in order to do it. <P>2) Understand that YOU will now have to give, give, give, give,....... and then do<BR>more giving, perhaps for a very long time before she begins to let that wall down and give some back. If it took her two year to reach this state, it may take two years for the turn around. <P>3) You need to learn to talk to her now, for long periods, about this situation and everything else in life. Communication is king here. Without it things don't work. My wife and I have committed that we will talk. In fact, I was a TV junky, and now I can't even recall watching a show in the past 3 weeks. It's been about 5 weeks since this cancer entered our home.<P>4) Finally, learn to give her lots of affection, when she is ready to receive it (that's clearly not now, as you Dr. said). Little hugs, big hugs, light feather like rubs, shampoo her hair, massage her feet, etc. Like it and mean it and don't stop. You've got to replace the drug she's on with real love. You love has to become the drug once again.<P>I'll stop now, but your situation really made me tick again about mine. Mine isn't over by any stretch of the imagination, but progress is being made. If she stays in the house, you're making progress. If and when she begins to talk or even cry with you, you're making progress. You've got to be patient - far beyond your current understanding of what patience is. My philosophy is NO OBSTACLES. <P>It's YOUR Love that can see you through this. <P>All the best,<BR>SamH

Thanks so much for the input. Last night I decided to withdraw and just let whatever happens happen. Thanks to samH and Samantha-MI, I have just decided to work as hard as I can to win back her love. SamH, your advise was inspiring. Thank you very, very much.<P>cjv

Welcome <B>cjv</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>I'm glad you've already reviewed <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>... It's a good first step.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! For you... an immediate start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...although very hard when first starting off, is necessary.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B> Do get it ASAP!<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>Starting counseling was a very good idea... but just sitting back and expecting couseling to solve your problems isn't going to work! To have to do alot of the leg work... with our help! A few things to keep in mind...(these are quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs are based on fantasy and wishful thinking. (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. (page 85 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this is alot to mill over... take your time.. but get the <B>book</B>!<P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Remember CJV,<BR>No one here will promise you that this will be easy - it won't. Most situations like yours, and mine in fact, have wild swings from seemingly very good progress to the world ends tomorrow. In all cases, listening very carefully to your heart, not your anger - follow your heart. Try to give her as much time and space as she needs (that won't be easy, I know from personal experience). And, be very true to the person you're about to become - don't fake anything (she'd see clearly that it wasn't real).<P>Finally, keep posting here. It's both an outlet for you and a resource.<P>SamH