I can't believe I am so stupid and can't keep my mouth shut.<P>We went Christmas shopping. Went to the toy store and I catch him looking at boy toys again. I didn't say anything except...big except..."Come on lets get out of here. I caught you looking at planes again." When we got out to the car he asked "Now what's wrong?" I said you were looking at planes and thinking of S____, OW 6 year old child. He says "No I wasn't not then." He proceeds to tell me yes he thinks of him sometimes but he didn't happen to be thinking of them then.<P>I should mention that it hurts me bad as he never bonded with my son who was nearly 5 when we got together. So it hurts that he likes this kid just because it is OW child. <P>I should also mention that he was complaining about spending extra money on my siblings as we started the adult draw again and I said "Just consider it replacement for the money you spent on OW last year." He said F@#$ You! When we got in the car before we left to go shopping I apologized. He ended up apologizing too. Still I couldn't stop the tears all the way to the mall.<P>Then when we get home his pay stub comes in the mail. I look at it and it's hard to figure out because GM has a very screwy way of calculating the checks. He worked 59 hours and it said different. I said "It is wrong...if you were at work?" He said it wasn't. Then started looking at it again. I just had to repeat further in the conversation that it was indeed wrong if he was at work? Well, naturally he got angry. Yelled slightly and said that I better not start any S#!% and if he isn't at work like he says he is then I will be the first person he tells.<P>So great huh? The man is working his butt off to provide for us. Provide Christmas for us. (Which he hates this time of the year and the finical strain anyway!) Then I go and say all this stuff. After he made sure I had a nice anniversary.<P>I should also add that he has been real miserable to be around as he hates Christmas so much and hasn't made me feel loved much if at all sense the anniversary. He is distant. <P>Says this year and memories don't make it any harder than any other day for him when it comes to his sadness over the OW. (In other words he is still so sad.) How can that be? They celebrated at her house. He bought her gifts. (He never bought me Christmas gifts or any others really) This is a romantic time of year.<P>I just can't seem to get over what he did with her last year. I know it is the past. I know it is over. I know, I know, I know!!! So why am I so insecure and such a mess? <P>I feel like the most self centered stupid person in the world. <B>When will this hurt go away?</B><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited December 08, 1999).]

Sam,<P>I would like to reply, I just do not have the time right now. Hang in there things are not always as they seem.

Thanks DJ,<P>I hope you come back and reply when you have time. I think I have checked back with the puter every 5 minutes since I posted. He hasn't called yet tonight from work and I feel so uneasy when he is gone. <P>I guess that sounds crazy huh?<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hi Sam,<P>I think our feelings at this particular time of the year are magnified 10fold.<BR>It is supposed to be this........and instead it's that.............<P>Our poor little hearts, minds and souls.<P>Take time to think - yep, I did that, I said that, but I am human too. I have feelings too. Maybe cook an extra special romantic dinner for him to say sorry - if that's what you want to do.<P>I can only imagine your feelings where your children/son is concerned. That must hurt.<BR>However, he is who he is - and you must accept him for that.<BR>Having said that wonderful crock of sh@#$ to you, why do I not follow my own words........<P>Im thinking of you, and wishing I could wave a magic wand to make all OUR troubles and heartaches go away.<P>Try and cheer up, and accept you for you, you're doing the best you can in these diabolical circumstances.<P>Jo

I am sorry things aren't good for you right now. This time of year is harder, emotions are stronger and everybody is on edge. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>Hang in there. I wish I could offer you some better advice, but I'm sort of running on empty with the whole dealing with emotions thing right now.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Thanks Bonnet and Patient Love,<P>I am grateful for your replys.<P>I am just so freaked out now. He said he would call from work. When I asked him he said of course. Well, it is past the time for him to call on his last break and he hasn't. I am so afraid that he is thinking of ending us? Calling the OW? Or is he just punishing me?<P>What ever I just don't know what to do. <P><B>I am so sorry!</B> I told him that. What else can I do. I think he is just so tired of this and making me sad. <P>Dear God please help me!<P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>That pretty much says it all.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I can answer your question because I am going through the same thing. Last X-mas was the worst X-mas I have ever had in my entire life. My H spent it with the OW too, all except 1-2 hrs of it that he did come over and all of Thanksgiving.<P>As the holidays approached it started getting harder and harder because I would remember what it was like last year and with that came the memories of all the hurt I felt then. Before you know it all my insecurities went into high gear.<P>I would just apologize to your H and try to explain that to him and ask him if he could just please try to understand and help you through that by reassuring you that he loves you and that sometimes it would really help you to hear him say that you were going to be ok.<P>Genie

S-mi,<P> I know exacatly how you feel. Arik has basicly said the same thing. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore but doesn't think he can stop. I really don't understand it. Did you read my post again? Genie posted a really good story there after you posted.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Hi Samantha -<P>I haven't caught up with anything yet..last I knew you and H were playing lingerie model!!!<P>I am so sorry that you find yourself stressing and feeling so bad....<P>Christmas should be a wonderful time..<BR>Having bad events stick in our minds about it will not help!!! I had three very horrible holiday seasons and - although the bad memories are there - the GOOD ones were there first!!!! I am focusing on those and what Christmas is all about....Jesus, family, love of humankind!!!!<P>I know this doesn't get to the heart of your pain....that is a process!! It will take time and reassurances from H and new GOOD memories before your pain and insecurities are gone....<P>For this year...let's try to ease them somewhat OK? First, he's there!!! Not with OW.....<P>Next - OK so he doesn't get into the spirit...WHY? Do you know? <P>3rd - He just bought you lovely gifts, maybe it can be a new (and VERY good!!) trend with him? <P>4th - Can you think of anything to do that he would enjoy during the holidays? Something special .......<P>5th - You have to build yourself up a bit here!!! You are a wonderful person and have no reason to feel so insecure!!<BR>Yes, he was rerouted for a time...but he is back on track and you didn't derail him in the first place....he had his own hand in that!!! Do not let that feel any less than you have always been!!!<P>6th - OK - Yeah, the LB's have to go!! Recognize them as insecure thoughts BEFORE they come out of your mouth!! Very Hard!!! I know - just look at the last two threads of mine!!!! And this from a self secure person who never LB's!!!! Yeah, right!!!<P>You do have some control over your emotions!! Start exercising that control!!!! You don't want to smother - every action and word is not a hidden message about OW or the kid or anything!! You have to repeat that to yourself over and over.....<P>I am sorry that he did not seem to accept your son as enthusiastically as he may have this kid..... different time and perhaps a different maturity - who knows!! Perhaps he was scared poopyless of actually having to take on the responsibility of fatherhood with yours and with this other - it was more a big brother but no expectations.....<P>I have you in my prayers and you have to start believing in YOU!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

Sheba,<P>First of all with the OW and her son. They talked about getting married and he really liked her kid. He didn't like mine. I think maybe or I am sure part of it was he looked like his father. He was hesitant to raise her kid at first as he said that he would never raise any more kids that weren't his again as he did such a sh#@$y job of it with mine. Later he started to think it wouldn't be so bad and maybe even neat. Yes, part of that may have been maturity and part of that may have been the fantasy of the affair in general. He didn't spend that much time with Shane and I am sure it the light of day he would be just a normal kid like all kids are.<P>Still all and all I need to get over it all. He is being honest with me and I wouldn't want it any other way right? Secondly he can't change the past any more than I can.<P>I made so many mistakes in my marriage. Our marriage was awful. Truly neither of us was happy. The details are so horrible and there are too many to go into. Suffice it to say that I was a horrible wife. No, he wasn't a good husband either but, I can only change me. (Yes, I feel guilt about it too.)<P>He doesn't get into the spirit because of money I think? The deeper reason I don't know and neither does he. He would never go that deep to find out. Getting in the spirit with her annoys me. Yes, time to move on...you are right!<P>Yes, he is here and I should remember that and have it tattooed to my forehead or arm. You are so right.<P>He did just buy me lovely gifts and I will always treasure them. Maybe it is a trend.<P>As far as something special after Christmas we are going up north to friends with daughter in tow and going snow boarding. A favorite hobby of his and it will be my second time. (This is something and somewhere he went with OW. He will get melancholy about it. I will try and smile!)<P>I won't let this make me feel less than I have always been but, I must let this make me more than I was.<P>Yes, good idea dwell on the memories that were good and not the last 3 years. Good point and make new ones.<P>Yes, love buster have to go. You know it and I do. Controlling my emotions has never been easy for me. What you said. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You do have some control over your emotions!! Start exercising that control!!!! You don't want to smother - every action and word is not a hidden message about OW or the kid or anything!! You have to repeat that to yourself over and over.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> is so very helpful I can't tell you.<P>Did I forget to tell you thanks for responding to my post? If I did [b]Thank You![/] big time. I must say again that you have helped me more than I have the ability to express in words.<P>I will read your posts and be praying for you and yours.<P>Husband should be home soon. Need to fix this tearful face.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sheba}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

My Dear Samantha,<P>I am so sorry that you feel this way right now. I think it is just part of the rollercoaster, ya know? ups and downs.<P>Hopefully those downs aren't as hard as they once were. Remember how bad it was once. It was worse. I know it was worse. Well, this down is bad but an easier bad? <P>I know how you feel. He resents spending cash at Christmas... but he spent money on HER last year.... it makes you feel very unloved. <P>But Samantha, that is worldly talk, that isn't ultimate truth. Ultimate truth is that you will have a marriage that was worth fighting for. Your Christmas's will get better, one by one. <P>Lose the expectation of "romantic" Christmas, and think of it as bonding time. <P>On the goal, on the goal..... <BR>(Look who's talking - queen of lovebusting..."<P>Hugs to you. Hang in there, and dry that pretty face! <BR>TNT

Dearest TNT,<P>Hi honey how are you? I am so <B>glad</B> to hear from you. (You gotta forgive me here I have had a glass or two of wine. Don't worry it is red and good for my health! LOL)<P>You are so right about the roller coaster. Ups and downs but yes, the downs aren't as bad as they used to be. It was way worse. I remember sobbing like I never have in my life. I thought that kind of sobbing was only done in the movies or in the bible.<P>Right again about resenting money and spending money on her last year. He bought her night shirts from Hudson's. Oh well, big deal this year he bought me gorgeous lingerie' right?<P>I will try and loose the romantic expectation (it will be hard I am a horrible romantic at heart!). <P>Your right about the goal and, and I plan on making it and then kicking the field goal. Rah Rah Rah...cheering from TNT!!!!!!! Yeah!!!! (Thanks honey I needed that!)<P>I dried my face and husband is home now and we both said that we are sorry for what happened today. <P>You aren't the queen of love busting. You are one sweet wonderful woman who is my friend and hurting. Never the queen of love busting or anything bad maybe the queen of the biggest heart in the world. Don't sell yourself short sweetie. Your one in a million and that hubby of yours knows it. Let's pray for his healing. Then all will be fine.<P>Love you and big huge hugs....<BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Samantha,<P>All these "firsts" are hard to get past,,1st Christmas since,,,,, 1st New Years since,,,,and so on. Please know that you CAN and WILL get past this and next year it won't be so hard. Especially if you give it your best effort to make this "first" a really special one! <P>Do new things together,,go out for drives and see the lights, find a Christmas parade, rent a new Christmas movie that neither of you have seen or a favorite old one & make some popcorn and watch it together, make new memories so you can reach out next year and retrieve them. <P>Yes, your comments to him were definite lovebusters. But sometimes those words just jump right out of our mouth before we can stop them. It happens. Your aching heart shoves them out your mouth. You have to try to stop. (HAA,,coming from me, the snide- comment-queen, that's funny ) But I know too, when I do that, I have just taken ten steps backward. <P>And the gifts, I could tell you a gift story, but I won't bore you with all the details. I will say that I would have rather he had spent $1,000 on a diamond tennis bracelet than the $5 gift he got her. The $5 gift was so sweet and thoughtful, it broke my heart.<P>I asked my H for something special this year. I asked him to pick out a special ornament for me to put on our tree. I told him I want him to pick out one that means something to him for me,,,whether it be a figurine that represents something about us, me or him or our life, or perhaps just because it's beautiful and caught his eye. It'll be interesting to see what he picks. And I will get one for him. Special just for him. AND next year, when we unpack our Christmas decorations, we will have added one more memory!!<P>It's just that time of year Samantha. Next year will be easier and the year after that better still. Just hug him, hold him close and realize, you have another whole year plus a lifetime to look forward to.

Nerlycrzy,<P>Thank you for your insight and thoughts. The ideas are good. I have come up with some similar ones.<P>I told him I wanted him and I to pick out an ornament together. We looked yesterday but couldn't find one. Hopefully we will keep looking. I told him I wanted something romantic. So we will see what we can come up with.<P>What you say about the gift is so true. It hurts so bad. Still I must move past it. It wasn't necessarily a thoughtful gift or sweet that he got her. My biggest I think hurt is that he wrote her a poem. He has never done that for anyone before. Have to get past that too. <P>I want this Christmas to be really special. He is trying hard. I love him so much.<P>I don't know if we'll get to do the other things you mentioned. With him on the afternoon shift there is barely time for us to shop for presents. Lights will probably be out for sure.<P>I have some good news though. Even after yesterday he came home and when he went to bed initiated sex. That is a first sense this all happened. He said he was even thinking of me at work a couple of times. So this is a very good sign. Sure made me feel good.<P>This time of year is hard. I will remember about making this year special, looking forward to the next year and many more after. <P><B>My heartfelt gratitude to you all for responding. It means so much to have people who cannot only relate but care. You are all so wonderful!</B><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>