Need Help Please<P>My wife and I are at the point where separation is pretty much inevitable. I have a couple of questions and hope that you can answer them. A brief history of our problems is as follows.<BR>My wife is having an affair with and I thought that it had ended three times already. I am more than ready to start marriage counseling and she is not ready as of yet. The two of us started to see individual therapists over the past two weeks. We had our problems in marriage as any couple does. We could've worked through them and probably still can if she would come to her senses. <BR>My wife is in the process of working on her Ph.D.. and I have supported her and her son, in more ways than one, throughout her graduate program. She is now down to her last year. Money has always been very tight and while she got caught up in school I was busy working, taking care of the house, and struggling to make ends meet. As a result, the two of us became entangled in our different sides of life and lost sight of our emotional needs. This other person came along and the rest is history. After the first, or second, time of being caught we finally broke down and quit fighting about it and actually were able to sit and talk. I heard those hurtful words, "I am in love with him". It is evident that at this point she loves the other more than me. She is frustrated and down right nasty around me. She does seem to care about me in some ways and I know that the love was there at one time. She has mentioned that her goal is to eventually start couples counseling. After hearing those words, "I am in love with him", I knew where I stood and that arguing wasn't helping so I listened. What came out was that she feels that in order to end this affair and to know what direction in which to travel (work on marriage vs.. continue affair) she said that she knows that he is going to screw up and that at that point she will feel confident to end the affair. She said that she knows that he can't support her as I have and be there for her. By the way he is nineteen years old, she is thirty-two, and I am thirty-eight. Now after three attempts to break it off I am frustrated and believe that I need an antidepressant to get through the rest of this. I know that she knows intellectually that she needs to break this off but she just isn't and I need to move forward. I am dying to just move on through all of this. There are so many mixed signals coming from her. One minute I am walking through the door and she wants a hug and saying how she wants to work through this and the next is the complete opposite. I have put so much into supporting her including putting my own career on hold. I am feeling completely used and now she wants me to move into temporary housing. I feel as though I have been inconvenienced enough and think that she should move. Unfortunately her son, my stepson, is going to end up in the middle of all of this. He doesn't know what is going on yet. He is eleven years of old and she doesn't want to move him and upset him. Then why not end the affair right? My thought is that, unfortunately, he is going to have to experience some of his mother's bad judgement and she will just need to tell him what she has done. Although this is how I feel I need a second opinion. My other thought in all of this is that if I make her move it might be enough pressure to force her into realizing all of the headaches involved with this whole affair. She really is a great woman who is just totally confused and fell for someone who had money and not a care in the world. It's not reality though. I love her with all of my heart and want to work through this mess. I feel as though I should stand my ground and stay put. What is your opinion? My second question is simply, should we tell our son what is going on? <BR>Any other suggestions or any help would be greatly appreciated. <P>Thank diddly

You need to stand your ground. By doing nothing you are condoning ber behaviour. You should not be supporting her. In my opinion, she needs to see that she will loose you and her marriage as a result of her behaviour.

Welcome <B>diddly</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>1. Don't move out...Don't move out<BR>...Don't move out<BR>...Don't move out<P>2. Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... if you haven't already<BR>(for more... check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>)<P>3. Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>4. Do see your doctor to check it anti-depressants might help.<P>5. Consider <B>MB Counseling</B>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P><BR> <P>Jim