I am new....this is my first time to write in anything like this. However, I am a little stuck and would just like the opinion of others. So, here goes.. Several years ago I had an affair. I really don't know why. I was young and stupid. I have a super husband, so I really don't have an answer as to why. Maybe just looking to build some confidence (its always been low). The affair caused me to go into a severe depression. I felt guilty and horrible about myself. Kind of stuck! It ended and my husband stayed by my side. Through it all, the affair and the depression. However, years later now, my husband has had an affair. He denied the affair for such a long time. Even though I had been told to be suspicious by friends. Finally he told me, but in segments. A little bit at a time. Each time he would say I knew everything and he seemed genuine. Then finally, one night he told me all. We went to counseling for a short while. But now, I am scared to death that he has done this kind of thing before, but just isn't telling me. I know he loves me and doesn't want to loose me, so I am afraid thats why he isn't telling me if there has been any other women. My husband having an affair is so totally out of character for him. He has always "preached" that that sort of thing is untolarable and to not ever allow yourself to be put in that sort of situation. Am I just being a worry wort for being scared that there has been more women? What do I do to get rid of these sorts of feelings?<P>

My H was also very moralistic and preached a hard line. I cut out a lot of friendships and innocent activities with guys just to live up to his high standards. I thought this was out of character for him too. Especially for him to have long term, emotional relationships as well as physical ones! Well, now I know better. He said I knew everything too, but more and more and more just kept flooding out! Whew!<P>I am not saying that this is your H too. Just saying that when you live with lies, you can never know what the truth really is, so I understand your uncertainty.<P>So, what to do? Well, I think it would do you some good to know the truth. It sounds like you are on good ground now and want to go forward from here with trust. In my opinion, the truth about past activity makes this essential.<P>You're not being a worry wart. You get rid of these feelings with honesty, with fidelity, with communication. He needs to tell you the truth. Don't push your feelings underground in hopes of finding peace because it won't be a lasting one until you know if you're anything like me. It sounds like things are still unresolved. Don't let it just seemingly die because it seems like its the right thing to do or because it is time. These things have to be processed and resolved if you want peace.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>My H was also very moralistic and preached a hard line. I cut out a lot of friendships and innocent activities with guys just to live up to his high standards. I thought this was out of character for him too. Especially for him to have long term, emotional relationships as well as physical ones! Well, now I know better. He said I knew everything too, but more and more and more just kept flooding out! Whew!<P>I am not saying that this is your H too. Just saying that when you live with lies, you can never know what the truth really is, so I understand your uncertainty.<P>So, what to do? Well, I think it would do you some good to know the truth. It sounds like you are on good ground now and want to go forward from here with trust. In my opinion, the truth about past activity makes this essential.<P>You're not being a worry wart. You get rid of these feelings with honesty, with fidelity, with communication. He needs to tell you the truth. Don't push your feelings underground in hopes of finding peace because it won't be a lasting one until you know if you're anything like me. It sounds like things are still unresolved. Don't let it just seemingly die because it seems like its the right thing to do or because it is time. These things have to be processed and resolved if you want peace.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for responding! Well, I don't know for sure if I do know all the truth. His affair was purely a physical one. They spent no time together other than the physical time! But if there is more, how in the world can I go about finding it out. Its not like I haven't ask repeatedably. But until he is ready to tell me all, I don't feel like there is much more I can do. How did you finally find out everything?<P>

Hi Running,<BR> I'm just going to throw out an idea here, I may be right or I may be way off, but it's still something to ponder. Have you thought of his A as a way for him to "get even" with you for having one. I can't say for sure that is why he did it, but it is one possibility.<BR> Also, the "obsessing" is just a stage you go through. He may very well have only had the one, or he may be continuing to philander around. The point is, instead of worrying how many there have been, start thinking about reasons he may have done it, and ask him in a calm rational way. What needs did he feel weren't being met (emotional) that brought it about, and why he chose to meet them that way. Open a line of communication between the two of you, in order to start "affair-proofing" your marriage, if indeed you do decide to continue being married. Men are notorious for being close-mouthed when they really need to be sharing with their wives. Been there. Don't try to discuss the situation until you feel you can do it calmly and constructively. Read through posts, for pearls of wisdom by folks who have been there, and also read the information available on this site. It really helps. Let me know how things go, okay? I hope I've said something that will be of help to you.

Thanks a million for responding. My husband is very much the way you described most men. He is very closed mouthed about sharing his emotions. This was especially apparent after I had my affair. We have discussed many, many times (its been several months since I found out) about why this may have happened. Who knows for sure why it happened, but we have come up with several reasons as to why. One and the most importantly IS my affair. Others being since my affair, he was distant.....about his feelings (he wouldn't let me in, so to speak). He was always very loving, just kind of like he had a wall around his heart. This behavior, after time would make me feel horrible. It made me angry and I would say things like we should just end our marriage. I didn't mean these things, just desperate in the situation. We have always loved each other very much. It hurt to see him so distant. I wasn't even thinking he was distant because of my affair, I thought he was ashamed of me because of the extreme depression I went through. He saw me at my most vulnerable. I was ashamed and thought he was just staying with me out of pity. Its kind of ironic. Just when I was pulling through and feeling better about myself (years later), he goes and has an affair. He is a wonderful man. I'm just scared now. Maybe its just a phase to go through. I guess, who knows? I'm just a bit worried there has been more.