Well, as predicted, the antimaterialism thing is the first to go.<P>Part of H's fantasy was the poverty bond with OP. He and she living in their separate sparce apts...<P>Now D tells me, he is going to buy a Tv and VCR and nintendo for them to use. Also a piano.<P>Next will be the 5***** rest.and hotels for he and she!!!<P>I wonder how he'll rationalize this to himself or if he just won't remember any of it since he was so obsessed and out of it!!!<P>Just a vent to get it out of my system today. I am trying to just stay centered, but my humanness slaps me hard when I hear these things.<P>See, I feel better already.

Hi TooTrusing,<P> Go ahead and vent!....my H told me that he didn't care a thing about $ and the Ow only cared about him (not his $)....yeah right. Meanwhile , they went on trips, stayed at the most expensive hotels and ate at the best restaurants....!<P> Anyway, I hope you are protected legally, because dang it, you and the kids deserve to live well. I went and had a separation agreement drawn up to protect us...even though H was accomodating about $ I could just imagine what would happen once the OW put in her two cents.<P>Hang in there TT, things will probably get stranger....LU<p>[This message has been edited by Lu (edited August 19, 2000).]

I'm still paying for H last affair!!! Is your H accusing you of only thinking about material things and not about what really matters? My H is and he is the one who always had to have the best of everything. Now of course he turns it around and trys to make me the bad guy. If I were you I would try to get some legal protection. If I remember right your H is a Dr. and I'm sure he can afford to support you well.

OMG! C or W, thats exactly what my H said too!<P>That here we have all this good STUFF (materialistically speaking) but I've ignored what matters. That was said in discovery.<P>Now he is trying to buy things and is asking me for things to help him setup household. He is so money driven and money conscious I wish I would have taped his earlier lecture to play it for him. <P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 19, 2000).]

You know what....<P>I haven't done anything legal in terms of our separation. I know I should but in the State of WA you have to fill to fill out all the same paper work as a Divorce, and then once completed, either party can go and file the Divorce decree. <P>My SILs tell me I should get protection but I really don't see my H doing anything deliberate to take what is not his. Although SILs keep reminding me that the OW IS AT THE HELM, not my H.<P>Just thought you all might need that same reminder, your Husbands are not driving this rollercoaster aone, the OWs so have an influence on what they do. Their loyalty is no longer to us.<P>I get angry all over again thinking about this. Makes me want to go to the TOW (The Other Woman - GloryB.com) board and post some.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 19, 2000).]

My H has not considered any money ideas for some time. he spends it like he makes a Mil a yr. He doesn'tspend it on her that much though. Mostly on himself. Alchohol and lunches during the week are his biggest personal bills. I am trying to figure out how we are going to pay for our counseling, at 120 a week added to the pot, which we don't have. How can I support him emotionally , and get things straight monitarily? Not to mention my anti'D that cost 85 a mo.!! Our ins. does not pay for therapy. Any ideas?

Hey, my H actually has carried through on the antimaterialism thing. He's living like he just came out of the hills...hand to mouth...in a run down trailer he bought for OW five years ago. And he has bragged about their shopping in the "goodwill" shop. This is his thing...he thinks there is merit in living a life existing on bare essentials...something to be proud of.<P>I am materialistic because I want something more out of life... According to him I have caused him to have stress because I wouldn't settle for this kind of life...wanted too much. <P>So he found a woman who will live that life...or else she claims she will...please note that two of her former husbands have filed for bankruptcy after being married to her. Just another example of OW shape-changing to fit just what H wants...until they get into control. I'd love to see OW manipulate my H in this area...he's pretty stingy.<P> <BR>Buffy

I have been flat-out told that I had been using my H as a mealticket during the course of his affair. In fact, he told OW that the fastest way to get me off his back was to send me a check. They had a good laugh over that (I saw the chat. You don't know how much this has hurt.) <P>I have worked some cruddy jobs my whole adult life to support my family, and I have always been able to take care of myself and the little guys--especially when he was out philandering. I have been very proud of this.<P>I have never wanted for much--just a comfortable home and enough for the kids. All I wanted was to never have to struggle too much financially. I never wanted his money or gifts or social status--just his love. I guess that's the one thing he couldn't give me.<P>He would rake me over about taking all his money, spending it on all my selfish desires (right.) It was easier to slam me for it than to sit down with me and commuincate about a budget.<P>Now that we are separated, he constantly asks if I have enough money. He gave me the debit card and told me to just tell him how much I spend. He is so sickeningly sweet on "providing" for his family now--even though we are not living together and are talking about divorce. All of the sudden, it's a priority to him. It helps to relieve the guilt, I guess. <P>It seems that all of the sudden, money will make it all better, fix things. <P>Money makes the world go round.<P>

TT,<BR> <BR> Amazing,ain't it?<BR> My stbx said the same thing about money not being important anymore.I had to laugh,it's been important to her since the day we married.<BR>We made good money together,and I was pretty leniant on her spending(clothes horse).<BR> <BR> Do you think just because they found their soulmate,that their spending ways will stop forever? I doubt it,myself,it's pretty ingrained.When you had money to spend for over 20 years,it would be pretty hard to give that up for long. <P> My W is leaving me almost everything(guilt?).We could of had an early retirement(I still plan to).So,she may of shot herself in the foot.<P> No,money doesn't buy happiness,but it sure can make life easier.Not constantly worrying about bills,and looking forward to a financially secure future isn't something to sneeze at.<P> ~~Murph

Yes, it is kind of funny. And the thing is, he was incongruent about the antimaterialism stuff because he would come over here and obsess about the stock market on the computer.<P>And, it is a joke really when it comes to H. He does not like to not be comfortable. He loves gadgets. He will spend tons on his hobby's. He has had 6 cars since we were married (11 years). I have had a station wagon and a van (went to 3 kids). <P>I suppose it is guilt. But I think he will be quickly amazed at how little you end up with when everything is split and he pays child support for 3 kids, plus health care, helping me get back into the job market. And he will have to support both of her kids as well as her h is currently unemployed. He could then end up with 5 children to put through college. He is 45...I hope this really is "love".

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>My SILs tell me I should get protection but I really don't see my H doing anything deliberate to take what is not his. Although SILs keep reminding me that the OW IS AT THE HELM, not my H.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jo, please heed your own advice! My H offered me the sun and the moon when I was playing nice and Plan A-ing so that he could live his life without ultimatums and without fear that I was going anywhere! <P>Now, he is not giving up a single dime that he doesn't have to and is using money to manipulate me. If I play nice, he's fine. He wants to be viewed as the magnanimous bestower of gifts, when it is simply my due. If I step out of line, he is ready to punish me monetarily. And WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT!<P>By the time you think you need legal protection, it is too late. Do it now. If I had waited, I would be penniless now. You are right, the OW has a lot more control. Factor in jealousy, guilt, and all that other stuff and you have powerful reasons to protect yourself NOW!

It really doesn't matter how much money he has or what kind of agreement or anything. My H was laid off and now the children are entitled to almost nothing. It does not matter how much he used to make, or how high his standard of living is because he gets to split expenses with someone much wealthier. I doubt if he will ever find another job making anywhere near what he used to make. Child support is just based on what he makes now in unemployment - and his total unemployment check is much less than what he had been paying in child support. It doesn't matter that I can't afford to both feed the kids and pay the mortgage, much less anything else. Once you leave your family, your responsibility for supporting your children is drastically reduced. You don't have any responsibility for taking care of them physically if you don't want to, and the percentage of your income that goes to support your children drops drastically. And if your income drops, so does your responsibility. It matters not that the kids don't stop eating or growing just because you have less income - that is the custodial parent's problem.

Yeah our court system has a long way to go. I feel that if a order of child support was handed down then its that parents reponsibility to pay it. If it means working at McDonalds ect. <P>Jill