Lor: <BR>Wanted to get a little feed back if you would not mind. I appreciate the input. this has been going on for a while. I know that I have ignored or not followed up on some of the proof perhaps for fear of the truth. Well my real fear has been him leaving not wanting to be alone and so Yes I would stay. <P>What made things end with your H's affair? How did it get in the open? I keep feeling this Catch 22 if I did proof it and then what his reaction would be. Me not trusting him now almost three years ago for other stuff really pushed us over the top. So how do I tell him I didn't trust him so I went and got proof. Is that Plan A? <BR>Wow how I want things to change tired of feeling like I am playing in a game. <BR> <BR>Sounds like you been there so I appreciate your reply. <P>Jackee

Jackee,<BR>As much as I would LOVE to give you the "key", I don't have it & quite honestly, I hope you don't have to follow the road I've been on. But I will tell you my understanding of how things happened.<P>In my case disclosure came about after the affair had been going on for about 8 months, in our second separation. The first time he came home he broke it off with her, but kept in contact & they work in the same complex, so he got involved again & left home again. As I understand it, at that point she put on pressure for him to get divorced. I was pretty sure he was having an affair fairly quickly into his misery, but he denied it so strongly I just thought I was going crazy. He did not want me to know. I was treating him like he was in mid-life crisis (YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway) and he was also suffering from depression, so my behavior was Plan A and just being in his life as the mother of his children.<P>He told me he was having an affair, in part I think because he thought I would divorce him and finally put an end to his double life. But I had already thought through my reactions to an affair and when he disclosed, I told him I loved him and wanted our marriage, would do anything to meet his needs and be the wife he wanted. He moved back home, broke off contact with her for awhile. This was over 1 1/2 years ago and we've just reconciled recently, so you know things haven't gone smoothly.<P>He didn't keep his word about "no contact" nor did he make the other step of telling me when there was contact & in fact denied their was contact. 7 months & a couple more separations later, they were back in a full blown affair and being very blatant in dating & in front of their co-workers...some of whom turned out to be my friends and told me.<P>I confronted him at about 6 am one morning as he arrived at the place he lived after being with her. I knew where he had been and who had seen them. That was a year ago. Once again, he moved home and I stayed in Plan A...but the withdrawal got him again. That time as he prepared to move back to his friend's house in Oct 99, he discovered the friend was dating the OW, and as far as I know, they still are. That was pretty much the end of the affair, though they still see each other sometimes at work and have emailed. My H did move in with his friend, came home over the holidays and moved out again in Jan. <P>And the last 6-8 months is a story of it's own, but we are together now, and it is truly a reconciliation. Even re-hashing this doesn't pain me. It's just becoming only a sad memory...no fangs or claws attached. <P>I have worried because he wasn't the one to end it, but he had been the one to end it some of the times.<P>So, as usual, time, MB principles & patience are the keys. You can't make your H tell you the truth, all you can do is control your own behavior.

Lor:<P>Thanks again. I guess it have had it easy it must have been very hard going through all that. Obviously there is a strength in your relationship because he has returned to you. It must be difficult to stay the course through the ups and downs but you have survived. I am happy for you. <P>I too have watched his mid-life crisis bloom<BR>into and reacted to it in a way that pushed us further apart. All the signs are there for an affair and I have been living this way for a ridiculously long three years. <P>I am scarred that I (we) have let the distance get too far apart. I even have been saying to myself what are we doing this for? He doesn't seem to care that we aren't close. He thinks everything is ok...but he hates conflict of any kind so ignoring the issues are easier for him. <P>He hasn't had to deal with a wake up call about this "other" relationship cuz he keeps cruising along in afair land getting his emotional needs filled elsewhere. He has no reason to stop his affair cuz he has nothing to loose by contining it. <P>I suppose that is why I am back here seeking support from MB. I hope I can get him back by really trully implimenting Plan A. <BR> )<P>Thanks for your response. It helps to have people like you and all the others here at MB.<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>Jackee