Chris and others:<P>Chris where have you been all my life?<BR>You are too good!, you should hook up with Resilient, she's awesome too.<P>I can not get the hang of plan A. It seems so fake to try and feel things you really can't feel when you're so angry and resentful.<P>I wish I just had a starting place. Someone told me to make trade offs with him for his participation in reading one of the MB books, that is a great idea, but I guess I feel so inferior to OW that I would feel silly or incompetent. Let's face it, everything that I thought was good about myself has been shattered to bits. I feel so worthless and ashamed of my body, my mind, everything, even my fingernails.<P>This is when a girl sure could use her Dad, unfortunately he is not available for me any longer, nor is my big brother.<P>I am afraid if I do things I never did before (that I should have), that my H will percieve it as faking it, or put on for my benefit to win him over. Where should I start? Everyday I promise myself I'm going to get down to business and do what I need to do to get this marriage on the right road to recovery, but I let my negative, pessimism get the best of me and by nightfall I am in such a funk no one can stand to be around me. I've blown it again, and the cycle starts all over again.<P>By the way, I playfully ask him to list his top five EN's out of the ten provided and #1 on his list was "Attractive spouse", that blew me away, I thought surely it would be sexual fulfillment.<P>Helpppppppppp!<P>Cathy

Catplay, I am in the same boat as you with the plan A thing! It is so very difficult, and my H for a long time said that I seemed fake and wasn't sincere. However, I kept trying my hardest and just last week he said that I've made big changes. It wasn't until I decided that they needed to be for me, though, did they seem more real.<P>Believe me, I've made lots of mistakes earlier in my marriage, but the way that I look at it, is that I don't have anything else to lose. If I stay my bi**hy self, then he'll leave for sure. If I try my hardest to be happy and to meet the needs that he'll let me meet, then hopefully he'll decide to stay and work on our marriage. He's starting to come around and respond to me more, so I think plan A is starting to work.<P>Don't get me wrong, it is very, very hard to not LB, and I still have moments, but am doing better. I'm sure that you will too--work on things for you and start to feel better about yourself and you'll be surprised at how differently your husband will start to see you!<P>Interestingly enough, one of my H's top needs is also an attractive spouse. This is probably why he cheated in the first place, as I had gained tons of weight during our marriage. The infidelity diet, though, has actually helped me lose 70 pounds. Just yesterday, he gave me a big hug (ya know, the kind where you just want to stand there and never let go) and told me that I looked nice. I just hope it's not too late.....<P>Do something nice for yourself this week---manicure, pedicure, massage---something to make you feel great about yourself and who you are!!<P>One other thing---I'm not very familiar with your story, but if your not on anti-deps, you may want to give them a try. They really help to stabalize your emotions and think more clearly on things! They helped me tons!<P>Best of luck and prayers go out to you!!

Plan A is very easy in concept, very difficult to do in practice.<P>A simple way to do this is to remeber the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."<P>It doesn't matter what they are doing to you!<P>If he screams & yells, then ask him politely to no do it.<P>If you do something or say something to him which he perceives as "wrong", thank him for telling you, tell him you didn't know it was bothering him and you are working on not doing it again. THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN!<P>Some people see this as "sucking up" or just acting. It is to a point but we need to learn to change our behaviors which are threatening or removing love units. After all, he is you husband. Do you <B>really</B> want him to suffer at your hand?<P>If he does something you appreciate, tell him so. This is how the love units get deposited.<P>All this has to start somewhere. Take it easy & take it slow. Scream & yell at us if you must but don't scream & yell at him.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

hurtinginil,<P>You have got it perfectly! <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It wasn't until I decided that they needed to be for me, though, did they seem more real.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>These are things YOU need to do so you can enhance any relationship you have. Friends, in-laws, spouse, children, etc.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Yes... Cathy...<P>There are many who want to help...<P>You know something...<BR>...you haven't heard it enough...<BR>...but it is true!!!<BR>...<B>you are loved</B>...<P>Please don't put yourself down...<BR>...you are so much better than you know.<P>Hey...<BR>Here's a few other links to Plan A ideas...<BR><B>Plan A:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html" TARGET=_blank> TODAY I LOST IT!!!</A>…..ThisAlex/Genie29…..12/5/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>…..NSR…..6/10/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000431.html" TARGET=_blank>Question for Plan A Veterans</A>…..lostva/K to quandry…..2/2/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000023.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A.What's the amount of time? Help!!!</A>…..w.g.up.h…..2/2/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002461.html" TARGET=_blank>To, Sir Hurts Alot</A>…..TomH…..4/19/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000086.html" TARGET=_blank>Is Plan A just a big act?</A>…..kancan…..5/7/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004291.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A is Power!</A>…..az allison…..7/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000971.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A versus Doormat </A>…..Everhopeful…..8/10/2000<P>(these are from my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads </A> post...<BR>...check it out sometime)<P>Still your friend... I hope...<P> <P>Jim

Tackling a bunch of changes all at once can be difficult. Choose one small goal at a time and take as long as you need to be comfortable with it before going to the next one. You might start with things that are easy first to build up your sense of accomplishment and self esteem. You can do it!<P>I would suggest outward, physical changes first. If you feel better about yourself in a tangible way, it may be easier to make attitude changes. When he gets nasty, it will be easier to keep smiling because you still have something to feel good about- YOU!

Cathy, <BR>I understand completely what you are feeling. I am in the same boat. I have been able to do those little things, but I am ready to take a bigger step. My husband basically works 7 days a week and really has no free time. I desperately want to go out, on a date, but it never seems to fit into his schedule. I must just be wanting things to move along too quick, but it would at least give me an idea that we are on the road to re-connecting. I feel like it is something with me, like you, that he isn't taking this step forward with me. I have filed for divorce, but it was in an effort to make sure my husband couldn't pull something over on me in regards to our son. My husband too thinks that I have changed just to keep him around, but it truly is a "new me" because of the soul searching I have done. I have also read Phil McGraw's Relationship Rescue. This book really helped me to see what I was doing to hurt the relationship. I had to overcome the night time funk too, and I know how hard it is when you feel like you are pulling all of the weight, BUT if you stick with it, it will get better!! My husband and I are laughing and joking like we haven't in a long time, but we still have a long way to go. Every once in awhile he will make comments that imply our divorce will still go through, but I'm not ready to give up on my marriarge or my husband.<BR>I will be watching to see what is posted to this thread because I can definitely use some pointers too!!!!<BR>JB<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Catplay:<BR><B>Chris and others:<P>Chris where have you been all my life?<BR>You are too good!, you should hook up with Resilient, she's awesome too.<P>I can not get the hang of plan A. It seems so fake to try and feel things you really can't feel when you're so angry and resentful.<P>I wish I just had a starting place. Someone told me to make trade offs with him for his participation in reading one of the MB books, that is a great idea, but I guess I feel so inferior to OW that I would feel silly or incompetent. Let's face it, everything that I thought was good about myself has been shattered to bits. I feel so worthless and ashamed of my body, my mind, everything, even my fingernails.<P>This is when a girl sure could use her Dad, unfortunately he is not available for me any longer, nor is my big brother.<P>I am afraid if I do things I never did before (that I should have), that my H will percieve it as faking it, or put on for my benefit to win him over. Where should I start? Everyday I promise myself I'm going to get down to business and do what I need to do to get this marriage on the right road to recovery, but I let my negative, pessimism get the best of me and by nightfall I am in such a funk no one can stand to be around me. I've blown it again, and the cycle starts all over again.<P>By the way, I playfully ask him to list his top five EN's out of the ten provided and #1 on his list was "Attractive spouse", that blew me away, I thought surely it would be sexual fulfillment.<P>Helpppppppppp!<P>Cathy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Chris: Thanks! It took awhile to figure that out, but I finally "got it". It's so very hard, but does really make a difference.<P>Catplay: I would definately take Popeye's advice and start on the outward things. Once you feel good about yourself, it's so much easier to make attitude changes! After I had lost quite a bit of weight, it wasn't until I actually went out and bought clothes that were 3 sizes smaller that I actually started feeling good about myself. Now I feel like I really look good, and am a much happier person all the way around! I would highly recommend a pedicure too!!<P>Best wishes and prayers going your way, Catplay!