Need advice:<BR>H moved out about 2 weeks ago. He has been here at least for a little while every day. He usually indicates that the kids are the reason for this, but has called or come over several times when he knew they were in bed. <BR>H and OW are still in contact, but by phone only and even that has been reduced drastically. They are waiting for her to leave her H before trying to have a "normal" relationship. Apparently, she has been saying she was going to do this for several months- nothing has happened yet, maybe it never will!<BR>I have been trying to Plan A as much as circumstances will allow. H and I have had several really good conversations and seem to be re-establishing that friendship we used to have.<BR>My question....<BR>On one hand, I feel like I may not have much time to build that foundation back before OW is involved heavily. I don't think I can Plan A if he is seeing her. We are communicating really well right now and I think I'm making major deposits.<BR>On the other hand, how can I expect him to miss me and us and home and want to come back when I am helping him have the best of both worlds? He has little furniture in his house and none of the comforts of home, but he has his freedom and comes here for anything else he needs. She is not meeting many if any of his needs right now. So if it weren't for me, very few of his needs would be being met.<BR>Should I continue to Plan A as hard as I can with whatever time I have left before she has a chance? Or should I back up a little and let him be miserable for a while in his new house all alone? What do y'all think?<BR>

I guess I suggest backing up some, but also being his friend if he needs you. Plan A is about reastablishing that friendship. Maybe invite him over for dinner a few times a week. Listen to him and what is going on in his life ect. But I wouldn't be there for him at his beck and call. You need to start doing things for yourself and your own self esteem. I know how easy it is to get caught up in his problems, his affair. Plan A is about being nice plain and simple. Its about making him see just what a wonderful, strong person you are. <P>I'm sorry for your hurt. <P>Jill

Hi Cloudy,<P>Boy we're both up early. It's 5:10a in the Great Northwest.<P>In answer to your question ... I think although you and H are separated right now, you should continue Plan A. I understand your concern regarding him sitting on the fence and having his needs met, your concern is a vaild and common question on this board. What's the spouses' motivation to make a change if he's happy where he is because his needs are being met.<P>Right now your H is not seeing OW, or their contact is minimal, right? Well as I understand it you should Plan A for as long as you can, but once the WS starts seeing or being with the OP (light of day concept in SAA) then any deposits you attempt to make during that time are not perceived as a Love Bank deposit so much as just being nice.<P>So I think you need to fill his Love Bank to capacity before you decide to go any other direction. Keep Plan Aing and get those deposits in. Believe me, he will miss you, and when he has to look to OP for all his needs, she'll fall short.<P>You need to remember too that Plan A is about you, it's about making you a better person and spouse, it's about you taking responsibility for you. So work on yourself at the same time, Hon. <P>Also Plan A lets the WS know home is a safe place to be and from your post it seems that you've accomplished that. You're doing a GREAT job, Cloudy. You should be very proud of yourself. <P>Be strong and keep your eye on the ball!<P>God Bless.<P>Jo

I think you should Plan A as hard as you can. I think what he will miss most is YOU if you give him those warm and cuddly feelings now. An empty hole can be filled by anyone. He won't necessarily think of you for that if he is thinking of all the reasons why you split and the things he didn't like about the relationship. I think it is more important to change those memories and feelings than leave him to wallow in his misery.

Thanks for your comments and support. I really have been trying to become more like the person I want to be. The kids are doing well and I feel happier. H said just the other day that I even looked better- not just the weight loss, but I'm carrying myself differently. I didn't realize that, but I do know that I feel better. He seems to be coming closer to the man that I fell in love with too. I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep praying. <BR>Again, thank you for your support. Couldn't have made it this far without you and this site!