We're back together, long story short, he still swears up and down that he didn't sleep with anybody while I was in Dallas, we split up for a week, and he jumped in with some different woman (which he is admitting to). He did lie about things that he did while I was in Texas, but he's adamant about the fact that he only cheated while we were "separated" (which I don't believe). He is going to the sex addict counselor, which is a good sign, but I still have mixed emotions about being back home. This is a letter I'm contemplating giving him today - feedback would be appreciated. I did try not to LB too much, but I needed to get my feelings out.<BR>___________<BR>Dear T,<P>I may or may not send you this letter, I haven't decided yet. Right now, this is for my own peace of mind, so that I can get my thoughts and feelings sorted out.<P>The week that we split up, I was miserable. But to be honest with you, I'm not any happier now that we're back together. Sure, I have you back, but the lying, the cheating, and all of the other problems are still there. I'm still not happy, but at least I'm in my comfort zone with you.<P>The whole Dallas thing is too sketchy. Your story on what you did and who you were with has changed more than a chameleon. Bottom line though is that you were with other women and you lied about it to me. It doesn't matter who all was or wasn't there - you lied to me about it. You have not made any effort to reestablish trust with me, so why should I believe you when you say that nothing happened when your track record indicates otherwise and you have not stopped lying to me?<P>There cannot be any more lies - PERIOD! If we're going to start over, we need to set the record straight about our relationship thus far. I've told you the entire truth about me and Dave, you can at least give me the same courtesy so that we can work through it and try to move on. But we need to lay everything out on the table first. Trust MUST be established again if this marriage is going to work.<P>As far as you and Janine - whatever happened between you two while I was staying at my mother's happened. That doesn't mean that I have to like it. If you say that you came "close" to sleeping with her, but you didn't, you just spent the night, I'll believe you. If something more happened, you need to tell me. We can work through things if you're honest with me about what's happened thus far, but if I find out from anybody else that something did happen and that you lied to me again, this marriage has to end. I can accept if something's happened if you're honest with me about it and you're willing to change it (which you've shown by agreeing to see Dr. Whitman), but I can't handle the lying. It's not okay, it's wrong, and it's something that I refuse to continue to put up with.<P>You've asked me what it will take to make our marriage work, I'll tell you what I think I need. <BR>#1 - I don't want you to see Janine, Tina, Cassandra, or any of those people again. It's wrong for you to be exclusive friends with other females - especially females that I don't know and/or ones you've "almost" had an affair with. Regardless, you shouldn't be confiding in these women - you should be confiding in me. Confiding in and being with other women creates closeness between you and them and distance & animosity between you and me. How are we supposed to save our marriage if that's going on? I know that you and Willie are best friends and he's friends with these women, so if you and him go out, either take me with you or go out here in Blaine or something - no Ferndale without me. If when you drop Willie off after work Janine is there, please leave immediately. If she is a true "friend", she'll respect the fact that you want to work on your marriage and back off.<P>#2 - Please cool it with the bar scene. Go fishing with Eric, take a bike ride, ANYTHING, just don't go out to the bars like you have been lately. My father died two years ago because, like you, he lived on that fast scene. It ended up killing him when he was only 45 years old. So when your friends talk about how I'm a "standoffish b*tch" when I go to the bar, that's why. That scene causes nothing but pain, and yes, I do think that I'm too good for that. So are you.<P>#3 - Once again, DON'T LIE TO ME AND DON'T CHEAT ON ME! Period. I don't think that asking that is unreasonable. You can talk to me, it's better that I hear something from you than from somebody else. As far as the cheating, don't even put yourself in that position. If you meet another female you click with please, don't walk, RUN in the other direction. It's wrong, and it will destroy our marriage. If it's a mutual friend of ours, that's a different story (i.e. - Laurel, Rupi, Holly), but a woman that you meet in a bar, NO! Not if you want our marriage to work. I'll extend you the same courtesy. I haven't talked to Jason in months now, and he was one of my best friends. But out of respect for you AND FOR OUR MARRIAGE, I cut all ties with him. You also heard me cut off ties with Dave on the phone. I would appreciate the same from you.<P>If you think that what I'm asking is unreasonable, let's talk about it. We can agree to disagree, we can make it happen. I don't think that I'm asking too much. If you want to talk to one of your friends, may I ask that it be a friend who is still married and knows what it takes to make a marriage work (this would be Eric, not Willie!). The honesty is the biggest thing - that is ultimately what it takes to rebuild trust. You ask all the time why I don't trust you - it's because of all of the lies. When the lying stops (LONG TERM!), I promise you, I will start trusting you again, and things will be better.<P>Our foundation is not solid right now by any means, but we do love each other tremendously, and we have a beautiful son. I do believe that it will take a lot of work, but I think that as long as both of us are willing (I'm not putting all of the responsibility on you, I know that I'm at fault for a lot too.), our marriage can be stronger than we ever imagined. Please let me know what you think about what I've said and where I should put my efforts as far as rebuilding our marriage. I love you more than anything, I do hope that you know that. Let's make this work.<P>Love,<BR>Alana<P>____________<P>There are many things that I've taken from various posts here that I've totally agreed with (Thanks Popeye, Beerman, Crazy or What, Resilient, and Allison, to name a few ) Should I give him this letter, or is it too much of an ultimatum? He asked me what I thought needed to be done to save our marriage, and that's my answer. Thanks!<P>

Okay, after rereading it, that's a little harsh. Is there a "kinder, gentler" way to put that?

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

DON'T SEND THIS! It's gutsy, honest, to the point, and tells it like it is, but it is a bit militant and leaves no room for discussion. Don't get me wrong. I might have written this same type of thing once upon a time, but I don't think this is the kind of words or approach that will nurture your relationship or endear you to your husband.<P>I'm sorry that you are still hurting from what happened. I am sorry that things are not getting better for you, but you really are in a good position. Your H is home with you and you still have love between you. That is a powerful position to negotiate from.<P>These issues are very important ones that should not go unacknowledged, but I think you should leave them for the counseling sessions. You can't compel someone to do your bidding. If you lovingly and gently make him see that these things are in the best interests of both of you, he will do these things because he wants to. <P>There is a lot of blame and judgment here. He has to feel safe with you, not condemned. <BR>You're totally right to ask for what you need. You are completely deserve all of you ask for, just be gentle. I hope it works out for you.