My H is currently having A. Discovery was April 2 of this year. Ever since, we have been setting dates for a decision to be made for him to leave or stay, only for them to come and go every time with no decision made by H.<P>I know that I have just as much right to make decisions, but want him to be the one to decide. He would like nothing better than for me to ask him to leave, because then he doesn't have to make the decision.<P>At what point do I ask him for a decision on whether he's staying or leaving? Every time it's come up, he says that if I'm asking for a decision NOW, then he's leaving.<P>Am not sure what to do.....

I think Harley's mutual decision rule is a good way to make this decision. It shouldn't be just your call nor his call. By making the decision together, nobody gets to be the bad guy and both your feelings are taken into account. Right now I'd hang out a while and see if you can get to a point where you can decide together.<P>Of course, when I tried this with my STBX, we got nowhere. So after a reasonable amount of time, you may be the one stuck doing it anyway. How do you decide what to do? Can't say. That is really up to you.

Hi HurtingInIl,<P>How ya doing Hon?<P>Okay, in August of 99', my H started saying he wanted his own place, I'd reply "I don't want a separation", well from then until Oct (D Day) he'd say it off/on. Then aft October I started Plan A (didn't know it was a Plan at the time tho). Then he started to say he didn't want to move.<P>Then from October thru March he no longer wanted to leave, but when OW got a Boyfriend, which was deliberate and a trumph card she used, my H started being really horrible to me again, then I wanted him to leave so I told him "You can leave if you want" he responded "I don't believe you" <P>I told him again at the Therapist in front of our counselor that he could leave and he again said he didn't believe me. My Therapist was blown away.<P>Then I finally told him that I love him and I didn't want a separation but my health is suffering and I'm going to loose my job, so if you want to leave please go ahead. I gave him $3K and he finally left. <P>Point being, he didn't want to be the bad guy, he wanted me to kick him out. <P>Before he walked out the door, I said to him "this was your decision and you wanted this separation, I love you and I don't want you to leave but you can't stay and be w/OW any longer, so it's your decision, right?" He said "Yes, that's right, it was my decision to leave."<P>After he left friends and family told me he said I kicked him out. Unbelievable. <P>I guess this whole thing has to be someone elses fault, all the way down to when they leave, they will not take the responsibility, and I can imagine it's because it comes with the Affair territory, H had a weak character in every way.<P>Makes me sad to re-read my post.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 22, 2000).]

My H same thing. He couldn't make up his mind if he should stay or go. In the mean time he cont. to see OW. I finally decided that for my own mental health he had to go. So I found him a place to rent and told him that the decision has been made for him. He then told me that this was half his house and his home. I told him that the moment he made the decision to look elsewhere he broke the marriage contract. I do not feel any regret for making the decisions I made. I tried, but apparently I'm just good enough.

Thanks for the replies---I really respect all of your insight! <P>My H has actually told me, with a smile, that I'll never kick him out. I wish I knew if calling his bluff would make him realize everything he'd lose!<P>He also gets very defensive and says that it's his house, too, and since he's the one paying for it that he can stay as long as he wants.<P>I just don't know....

My h was doing the same thing. Every other day saying "I've gotta move out" in that very possessed voice.<P>His behavior was so bizaar and it was affecting the kids, so one night I told him to leave. But even then I was the one to tell the kids. I reacted every time. A very annoying behavior of mine, I might add.<P>My H will now say he only moved out because of how I was treating him.<P>All the time he was denying the OW thing. Yet I knew. She is a coworker and I saw the googly eyes they were making at each other.<P>I found this site the week after he left unfortunately though I probably would have had the same outcome.<P>I went through about 5 months of the really bizaar obsessed or guilt behavior bdfore I stepped out of the way...not talking to him.<P>Even then he told his mother "she's not talking to me".... even though he said everything I said bugged him or he couldn't understand my words or they were in the form of an argument...including such things as good morning or how are you!@!!<P>Now, three weeks ago, he finally admits to PA and is now just thinking about me letting the kids with he and his love.<P>I guess the not talking to him is the thing that led to the PA...NOT!!!<P>The good news for me, is that i won't be reacting in the future. He's on his own with this one now!!!!

My guy is definately waffling, too. I get the sense that he really wants me to take the burden from him, which is my usual co-dependant reaction. To kick him out. He even asks me, "Why don't you kick me out?" Not this time Baby! If he is leaving my life, he's doing it on his own, because I am Plan A'n it all the way down the line. <P>I wonder what is more stressful, keeping the secret for over a year, or having to decide between the OW and his real life. I hope real life. Addiction or stability. The love of one(for a while) or the love of three(us)forever. No brainer to me. Hope he sees it REAL soon. Limbo sucks! (oh, pardon my french!)