If you remember a few months ago, I received an email from my friends ex wife. We sent a few back & forth. Here is my latest reply to her.<P>Hi Xxx,<P>Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you.<P>Again, let me say these are questions I am trying to get answered in my own marriage, but they are some things you need to think about also.<P>> I did not leave my kids, I left my marriage.<P>So where are they now? Not with you. So in leaving the marriage, you left the children also. A divorce is NEVER, NEVER solely between a husband & wife. It involves all the friends, the in-laws and everyone else around you. It may not have the same impact to all, but it does indeed impact them.<P>> Xxx is an awesome father and even though it was the hardest decision in my life, I know it was the right one for the girls to be with him.<P>Sure. Try & justify it any way you can. One of the parents will most likely be a "better parent" but both parents together are far, far better than one in almost any situation.<P>> My having an affair was not the reason for the divorce.<P>Wow. I've never heard that one before! So why didn't you divorce him BEFORE you got involved with someone else?<P>> There was a lot of years (all our married years) that looking back we were both unhappy about things in our marriage.<P>But for whatever reasons you both did little to fix things when they started to get really bad. You chose to go to someone else and have an affair rather than rely on your husband, whon you swore to God you would always do that.<P>> We just were not compatible and we lacked an emotional connection.<P>So it took 14 years or so to discover this? And a divorce, which destroyed a family was the best way to "solve" the problems?<P>> You probably don't want to hear this, but I am truly happy in my relationship now.<P>If you are then great. But at what cost? You gave up EVERYTHING you had for what? Someone who you will eventually see is not much different than Xxx. Sure he will have different habits and react differently to siuations, but how much of a "great guy" is he if he would have you at ANY cost? You were married after all and it didn't matter one little bit to him.<P>> Although I don't know how anyone can be truly happy w/out their children in their lives, but I know that they will not be around forever. They will eventually grow up and move away and have their own lives. Whether that be a good justification or not.<P>Sure they will. But you chose to leave them at a time in their lives when a mother is essential to their adjustkent to adulthood. We as parents have a duty to raise our children to raise them as best we can. What have you taught them. Marriage is disposable. If you aren't happy, then quit. That it is okay to live with another man while you are still married. By doing this you destroyed their sense of order and threw their hopes & dreams of "family" into the toilet.<P>No it is not ANY justification at all Xxx.<P>> You just don't know the guilt and the overwhelming feeling that I have of being an awful and selfish person.<P>You're right Xxx. I don't. I don't pretend to understand how it is. Also, you don't know how Xxx & the children feel. I do. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy (even Donna or you boyfriend).<P>> I'm certain those will never go away and I hate to sound so matter of fact, but "life goes on" and things must happen for a reason. We may never know why.<P>Yes life does go on. People do things to hurt us & we have to go on. You say, "things must happen for a reason?" Because you (and Donna and so many others) made a conscious decision to give up all the values you believed in at one time for one simple reason. Lust. I don't believe you woke up one day and said, "I'm gonna have an affair & leave my husband." But you did start a relationship with someone & you got to the point where you jumped in the sack because, "it just felt right." After that you were hooked because of the "excitement" of doing something wrong and the adreneline rush, etc.<P>> Yes, I still live with my boyfriend and the actual word "marriage" has not come up yet. I hope it doesn't for a long time.<P>Of course it hasn't come up. He most likely doesn't want it. Why should he. He's got you wrapped around his finger with ZERO commitment. Besides, how ocould he ever trust you? You left your marriage. If you were to get married to him, in the back of his mind he would ALWAYS be thinking, "will she do it to me also?" I would be willng to bet you will not be together with him come Christmas this year.<P>> Right now I'm just living in sin I guess you could say.<P>And what do you call it while you were still married & living with him?<P>Xxx I say all these things to you not to be mean, (believe me if i wanted to, I could do a much better job of making you feel bad) but to help you (& me to some extent) try to understand what has happened.<P>Everything I know that you & Xxx have told me about what went on and what is going on now are so very typical. What you feeling now & the things you are doing are not so "special it must be right." You are just one of the hundreds of thousands of others doing the same thing, feeling the same way & saying the same things. (The affair was not the reason for the divorce) Course it wasn't (at least to you) because if it was, then you would have to be the one to "blame." Can't have that, can we? <P>Donna hasn't seen the kids for over year now. She doesn't call much anymore. If she did she would have to deal with all of this again, at least in some small way. It's easier to cut off everyone than have to feel any pain which you are the cause of.<BR>Neither of us has filed yet. I still don't want a divorce and I believe that she won't do it because, again, she would actually have to deal with it in some way. Much easier to forget everything.<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris...<P>It is healthy in mind and body ans soul to be true to your words...<BR>...and you have been that... and so much more!<P> <P>Jim

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

I guess it lets me say what I would like to say to my wife (but for Plan A I can't voice these things yet )<P>However, I am trying to help her a bit too.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris, your words are so true. As you know, I struggled when my H finally wanted the marriage back & I had started seeing someone else. My childhood & best friend who left her kids & "impossible" 18 year marriage for another man gave me the advice that I should "stay away from Guard (my H) because it might mess things up with OM". I think that was among the things that brought me up short and redirected me to my marriage, because I recognized the wackiness of that thinking.<P>Maybe this woman will *hear* you and hopefully someone is speaking to Donna the same way.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

:: applause ::

If only we could get all of the WS's to memorize what I heard so many times after D-day: If they will run around with you,<BR> They will run around on you!!!<P>Chris, I am so sorry you hurt so badly, why does this happen to so many? Do we really set ourselves up to be treated without dignity and respect?<P>Can't we start a coalition against adulterers? We need to take a stand... Maybe Hillary would be our lobbyist! They should not go unpunished, I know the Lord will do this for us, but there should be a penalty right now, just like DUI or some type of abuse charges. My h's ow is so unscathed, none of her family knew anything, not even her H.<P>I think there should be programs in the school systems for relationships.I can't remember which therapists said, we teach people how to drive, but we don't teach people the values of a commited relationship.<P> I might add, in reading over some of the "story" threads reguested by NSR, I was amazed at the marital problems of so many who have been married less than 10 years. What is that? Different times, different values, morals?<P>Someone else has said that with more and more women in the workplace, with more power and decision making responsibilities the more prevalent affairs will become in the future. My goodness it appears to be epidemic to me now!<P>One thing I have learned is that there is always someone so much worse off than yourself. My problems seem so trivial to some I've read about. I can't imagine the pain and hurt,and rejection some of you have endured. I'm ashamed to even comment about my problems. <P>God bless you all, I pray for you,<P>Much love, Cathy<BR>

Chris,<BR>Has she ever replied back to this? Just being nosey.... I wonder what my wife would answer to this....<BR>Mike

Still waiting for a reply. Don’t know if she will or not.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>