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whatodo Offline OP
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Can someone help with some advice on how they have dealt with being betrayed? I have suspected my wife's affair for over a year, just had it confirmed a little over a month ago. I have read HN,HN,Give & Take,SAA, and lurked here for several months. I have been plan A-ing for quite awhile, and she doesn't show many signs of being ready to stop the affair. My problem now is that I am starting to feel a lot of anger and disappointment at her, and am wondering if I really want her. I am currently job training for 5 weeks in a city that is 1200 miles from home, so it is sort of a plan B test drive. My employer is paying for this training which will bring me a six figure income while allowing me to work 8 to 5 and be home with the kids all weekend. The problem is that because of my constant worrying about my problems at home, I'm not fully concentrating on my training, and am therefore not availing myself completely of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I really resent that and I am taking that out on her, at least in my mind. I still treat her right and try not to LB, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep a smile without venting. I really need a release! My incentive to keep it together is our 5 beautiful children, ages 5 to 15, our 11 year marriage and my undying, although now tarnished devotion to her. I recognize my mistakes in all of this, but I have always treated her with the utmost respect, loved her and the children, provided well, and been there for her when times were tough. After 11 years, I still open the car door for her, never miss a birthday, anniversary, or special occasion, praise her unceasingly, and overall, treat her like the lady that I married years ago. The problem is that she doesn't seem to be that same lady. Is all of that terrible? What am I doing wrong? Wouldn't most women kill for the chance to be treated with honor, love, respect, and loyalty? Am I too old fashioned or what? HELP!

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Hi Whattodo:<P>Wish we had some magic that would help you understand all this, but we don't. What we do have is understanding for you while you're going through this. <P>You do sound like a one in a thousand Husband. Was there some EN of your wife's that you were not meeting? That could be a contributing factor or it could be that you have not done anything..it just happened. You've read the literature and lurked enough to know the fundamentals of this site so I won't give you a lecture. <P>You say your Plan A has had little effect. Well, sometimes our WS will not let us fulfill their needs because it threatens their reality with OP. Only time and exposure to everyday life can dispel the fantasy of the affair. <P>Our resident expert on Plan A (Jim/NSR) will probably advise you to continue to Plan A as long as possible. Certainly as long as the WS is in the house, you should continue with Plan A. Also he will urge you to have greater patience and to give WS more time to be won over by your Plan A.<P>One thing Plan A'ers have to learn is to lower your expectation level for the WS. Don't expect anything from her and you usually won't be disappointed. Wait and the day may come when all the waiting will have been worth it. Come here and vent if need be, don't LB, and expect to be frustrated alot.<P>Buffy<BR> <P>

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I am pretty new at this but anyway take anything that is useful and just discard the rest.<P>My husband wasn't cheating on me with an affair, but I have experienced that sense of disappointment and anger when I have found out things that I wish I hadn't.<P>In trying to resolve things one issue that became clear was that both of us were expending so much energy on meeting the other's needs that we thought should be met without taking time to find out what those needs were.<P>I would love to have a husband like you who seems to cherish very well, but is this what your wife is wanting? <P>Channelling energy into meeting a need that is not viewed by the other spouse as important seems to be almost as bad as not meeting a need at all.<P>There is an article on this website (if that is the right word) about Why Women Leave Men. Perhaps it may give some insight. <P>Perhaps it is simply a case of being taken for granted and it will have to take the ending of the affair for your wife to discover that the grass is not always greener on the other side. <P>In this case you will need the patience of a saint and plan A would seem to be a good way to "stick it out" until then.<P>However, this doesn't change the feelings and I know how it is to go to work with a lead feeling in your stomach because the home is in a mess. There is nothing quite so slowly debilitating. Just know that there are people out there who have walked where you are walking. <P>I find it enormously helpful to make sure that I have a network of people around me that I can unload on when my feelings get too intense or when I feel too despondent about things. Perhaps it would help to establish one.<P>I don't know about your beliefs, but I also find it helpful to pray. <P>I was told by a friend once: "don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person". Well life has sure dealt you a skew ball, so I will pray that you will find the strength<BR>to get through it.<P>Tosca

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To Buffy and Tosca,<BR> Thank you both for your replies and encouragement. I really appreciate communicating with those who understand. I did post here for the first time about a week ago and got a reply from NSR. You're right, Buffy, I can tell NSR is the resident expert on Plan A. <BR> In my heart I feel that I can continue plan A for a while yet, I just really had a down day yesterday and things always seem to be the most bleak for me in the evenings and I just jumped on here and reached out for help and understanding. <BR> My W is also familiar with the MB concepts and has herself read HN,HN although even when we were doing well, she really never would really discuss EN's with me or fill out the questionaires to discover what was most important. As such it has been difficult to figure out what to concentrate on and I was left to try to do for her what I thought she would want. In the meantime she has left 3 of my personal EN's unsatisfied for quite a while, and yet I'm still crazy for her.<BR> In answer to your question, tosca, yes I have a firm belief in God and have for some time now been praying to have Him touch her heart and to help me know the right things to say and do to get her to turn around. In my religion, it is a basic belief that a person has their free agency and will do whatever they will, and that He will not interfere. They will have to bear the consequences of their bad decisions and sometimes unfortunately those decisions will drag others down too. <BR> I have most recently been thanking Him for sending these tests and trials my way, because I realize they are intended to make my soul and character stronger. Though I must admit, sometimes in my darker, depressed moments, I wonder aloud if I'm not being punished for past sins, prior to my meeting my wife. I don't believe that is how things work, however.<BR> Anyway thanks again for the advice, my efforts to plan A are still relatively new compared to some of you, so I will indeed learn to lower my expectations of WS, so as not to be so disappointed. I do truly understand that she too is in much pain and conflict, and really don't think she planned all of this, and certainly didn't set out to hurt me.<BR> W and I have talked about her unrealistic expectations and how when this thing runs it's course, she will likely see how it could never have worked out. I just hope that the damage won't be too great by then.<BR> I have surrounded myself with a small but devoted support group at home, and may God bless those of you here who have taken the time and made the effort to lend your support.<BR> I will continue to monitor and post again when I need help and or when I gain enough insight to help others.<P>Whatodo

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whatodo,<P>Just popping my head in here...<P>BTW... I am not a Plan A expert... (<B>K</B> is)....<BR>...I may just have lots of personal experience in "long distance" Plan As.<P>Again...<BR>...the emphasis in both Plan A and Plan B is on you...<BR>...knowing that you are doing all you can to be a better H...<BR>...and plugging away at it...<BR><B>P</B>atience<BR><B>T</B>ime<BR><B>C</B>onsistancy<P>When there is no gain...<BR>...think of all your actions as seeds being planted...<BR>...it takes a long time for a good harvest...<BR>...and the farmer can't make those seed grow into fruit any faster than nature allows.<P>...but...<BR>...watering... ...caring for... and ...nuturing... help...<P>I know your contact with your W is limited now...<BR>...but how about some fresh ideas of "passion" introduced...<BR>Here are a couple of good books to consider...<BR><B>Passion:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785273662" TARGET=_blank><B>A Celebration of Sex</B></A> by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805058265" TARGET=_blank><B>Passionate Marriage :</B> Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships</A> by David Schnarch <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800757092" TARGET=_blank><B>Sex Begins in the Kitchen :</B> Because Love Is an All-Day Affair</A> by Kevin Leman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310214149" TARGET=_blank><B>What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men</B></A> by Patrick M. Morley <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0842378960" TARGET=_blank><B>What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women</B></A> by James C. Dobson <BR></OL><BR>..."passion" can be done by phone (I don't mean phone sex)<BR>..."passion" can be done by snail mail (cards)<BR>..."passion" can be done by sending flowers<BR>..."passion" can be planned by leaving her little notes for her to find <B>all week long</B><BR>..."passion" can be done with building her anticipation(not too much)... and then caring out a nice plan on your weekend.<BR>..."passion" too... requires some of your own PTC...<P>About prayer...<BR>...it is sometime to do unceasingly... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>(you knew that...)<P>Never think God is punishing you...<BR>...God is loving you...<BR>...and providence is what you face in life's struggles to help you grow...<P>Remember that "seed" your planting...<BR>...if it doesn't struggle to get out of the soil and reach the sunlight...<BR>...it won't bear fruit!<P>Hang on tight my friend...<BR>...your journey in this is not one your taking alone!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Whatodo<P>Just a though here. Is there anyway your W can go with you to your training? Time together is the best healing tool in the world. It will also give you some comfort knowing she is there with you and not leave you wondering where she is. <P>fs

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whatodo.........<P>Don't give up on your Plan A efforts yet. I've been working Plan A for nine months now and my wife still will not end her affair. Fortunately, with the exception having sex, she generally is meeting my other emotional needs well.<P>I can understand your disappointment with her and her inability to make a decision. I, too, wonder at times what it would be like to end our marriage and move on. But I feel that as long as I continue to love her, that I am not ready to end a 21 year marriage that may still have a chance. <P>During counselling with Steve Harley, he has told me not to forget that Plan A is really about making you a better person and not about trying to change your spouse. Hopefully, by making changes in your behavior, you'll create an environment that your spouse will want to return to if the affair ends. <P>Keep the faith! I have read many successful stories here and most seemed to take time to work out. Hopefully, you won't have to wait as long as I have.<P>TomH<P>

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Am I missing something here? My reading of Dr. H's books is that you go to Plan B immediately if spouse refuses to cut ALL contact with op. I believe that he specifically says that all your Plan A efforts will not be felt so long as op is in the picture. I believe this is because the WS is "having her cake and eating it too."<P>My concern is more than the ineffectiveness of you Plan A efforts. The damage resulting from all the rejection can be considerable. I remember how much it hurt when my H was in withdrawal (and not even having contact with ow) - the hurt and devastation of my self esteem from having him choose ow over me despite my best efforts to be a good wife; the anger at his deceit and manipulative conduct during the course of the ea; the shock at his disregard for the obvious consequences to our children had the relationship continued on its projected course; and the gut wrenching pain from his continued misplaced loyalties, emotional rejection, and set backs during withdrawal. It has taken 2 years for me to return to pseuco normal feelings because it hurt so much. The ws has stabbed the betrayed spouse in the heart but, during withdrawal, complains if there is blood.<P>I think something needs to be done to force your w to accept reality before she has hurt you so much that full recovery is almost impossible.<BR>

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wesse,<P>I can't argue that "The damage resulting from all the rejection can be considerable"!<P>But...<P>The Harley's concepts are not to <B>immediately</B> jump to Plan B...<BR>...first keep on doing Plan A as long as possible...<BR>......even when the WS is still living with you...<BR>......especially while the WS is still living with you...<P>Improve yourself with Plan A...<P>...and then... when you sense that significant loss of love...<BR>...go to Plan B!<P>Both Plan A and Plan B are very hard...<BR>...psychologically<BR>...emotionally<BR>...physically<BR>...and mentally!<P>...That's part of the reason to take time...<BR>...work at it at a pace you can handle.<P>Some cases do require to immediately to Plan B... but these are the exception!<P>Prayers for you too... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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I agree with Tosca. Find out what your W's ENs are. Though it sounds like you try to make every effort to be the perfect guy, if what you're doing isn't what she wants, it really *is* as bad as doing nothing. This is the reason my H thought he was so great. He's trying, but the things he was doing wasn't what was important to me! <P>As far as how to deal with the anger, well I can tell you what helped me. First was recognizing that there was anger because I didn't realize it for a long time. <P>Second was seeing the effect of the anger. I thought I was as loving and attentive as always, but I really wasn't. I was short tempered where I was always agreeable. I still did everything I used to, but not with the same enthusiasm. Things like that. You think they don't notice? They do. Emotions are tangible things floating through the air like dust. They aren't always identifiable, but everyone knows it is there. <P>Finally, once I could see what it was doing to everyone around me, my heart just took over. I wasn't willfully hurting people with my anger and resentment. If I had a choice to stop, I'd choose to stop. And so I did.<P>Sounds simplistic? It really is. Just let go.<P>My H and I are divorcing. He is still doing the same stuff- lying, running around with women and trying to sleep with me. Nothing but my attitude has changed, and my oh my, what a happier person I am. He can cheat with a million women for the rest of his life and I am not going to waste one ounce of negative energy on that man. It won't change a thing and will only make me feel bad. So why do it? It really is a choice.

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Wesse and NSR:<P>I read your posts and it brought to my attention something I have been struggling with but couldn't quite define or put my finger on...Hurt, devastation and resentment.<P>I also feel like you did Wesse about the pseudo normal feelings, kind of going through the motions of everyday life as if nothing ever happened, pretending, in a way, that everything is COOL now. But, deep inside of you it isn't, you are still bleeding and you have to be patient and wait it out until this Jack A-- decides to be nice and loving to you again.<P>How will I know when I have reached a point that I can no longer make a consciencious or concerted effort towards recovery and just let it all go?... because I don't care anymore.<P>I feel I have been so emotionally wounded and my self-esteem so riddled. How do you overcome these feelings, especially when, like you said, your H doesn't want to see the blood from your wounds.<P>I think I was trying to convey these feelings when I wrote the topic about I Can't Do Plan A / I Don't Know How.<P>I am so afraid I have reached this point of no return, how can I tell for sure? My H has no contact with OW, but my God the damage that's been done is unbelievable and it is sometimes a real struggle to even smile at him. I have to be in an exceptionally wonderful state of mind for this to happen. H still, after 6 months with no contact, appears distant some days. He says he is not feeling distant, but you can tell!<P>Another thing that is happening now is that the further we get into recovery, the less feelings I have about the success of it. Do you think we get to the point of no longer caring if we do or don't make it ?<P>How does one actually heal from this, or do we ever heal? How can we pick ourselves up and say to WS, "Oh, that's OK, I'll get over this and love you and hug you and squeeze you!"<P>Do I have a bad attitude? Am I hindering our recovery ? or, is all of this prefectly normal and will I ever truly have sincere, loving feelings for my H again?<P>Why did this happen after 30 years together, that is so hard to deal with, 30 YEARS!<BR>I ain't no spring chicken, you know!!!<P>Cathy<BR>

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I found out about the A three weeks ago. My H is supposed to have no contact with the OW for 2 mos. OW lasted only 8 days, called him for e-support. He gave it to her with all the "I miss you, love you, need you..." crap. At least he was honest about it. As we all know, contact sets the clock to Zero. <P>He spent the weekend drunk(at nite) and did not talk to me at all. We are talking total silence, here. I thought if we went for a walk, he could sober up a little enough to talk. All I got was a stride that would put a Trotter horse to shame. He basically walked alone. He did not look at me or acknowledge anything. He left me in the dust. I tried to start another topic, just a news story--nobody was home. <P>By the time we got back to the house I was furious. I tried not to be, but da**-it, he is not making the effort he promised he would! He mopes around with his withdrawls and when we are supposed to speak nightly on feelings(I'll take any topic) , I get "I don't know." I told him I would not force feelings out of him(words), this is the only thing he jumped at. "Good idea." he says. "If someone pushes forward, I go the other way." he says. I know! Now I know that even getting to talk to him, much less give up this woman, and getting to return to my bedroom looks very remote right now. I don't know how you all do it for months and months!! HELP! And what do you do with the physical yearnings, when they do not want to be touched?

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Hang on...<BR>that's the best I can offer right now. <P>The down times are LOOOOOOW!! for me, but they are much farther apart now. As I mention more than I should, I am going through this Plan A so that for ME, I know I tried. January may be a pivotal point here, to the negative. But I don't feel like I am half way to Plan B. <P>So many of your comments about feelings were very, very similar to what I have been going through, I can empathize. I may be fooling myself with continuing, but each day a coversation here, or words I may hear can be one more piece or tool I see some value in.<BR>Again, hang on.<P>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

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WOW! Thanks so much to all of you for your response! I know it wouldn't be appropriate to waste space here by listing each of you and thanking you individually for your contributions on this thread, but I am sooooooo grateful for all of your input. You have given me alot to think about and have given me (and others I'm sure), some hope. It is obviously true what NSR said in a reply to me that I won't have to go this alone as long as you all are here. For that I am so thankful to all of you. I must say however, that having lurked here for a while, I am not surprised by everyone's kindness.<BR> With that having been said, please allow me to respond to a couple of ideas. Firestorm asked if it would be possible for my W to join me while training out of town. I only wish she would! I really believe we could make huge strides. I asked and unfortunately for us, she said no. She had some valid reasons why, but of course, it makes me think that she doesn't want to make things work, and that she continues to see the OM. <BR> I appreciate the advice also to use the plan A experience as a campaign to better myself. That is definitely happening and I know that whatever the eventual outcome is, it will all serve to make me stronger and better. It's just like with weight training, which by the way is a longtime dormant passion of mine that I have recently renewed with great vigor as part of my self improvement / depression-fighting routine. You can't improve yourself without progressive resistance and sometimes you wonder if the pain is worth it. But in the end, the results speak for themselves.<BR> Anyway I thank the Lord that I am physically healthy, mentally healthy, and still have the love and devotion of my children and my extended family. Even my in-laws have been a great source of strength. <BR> I am a fighter and will not be dissuaded easily, and with support from great people like you I will either win this battle, or else come out of it a lot stronger than when I went in!<BR> I think what may help is to try to relate to success stories, so if any of you care to share them or can direct me to other threads containing positive and uplifting successes, I would appreciate it.<BR> I have not acknowledged all of the great advice and contributions to this thread in a manner that I would like, but I don't want to bore all of you good people, and it is getting late so I will try to get some sleep. <BR> Thanks again to all of you, and may God bless.

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whatodo-<BR>I just wanted to let you know that I relate to your statements about you trying to Plan A but your W won't discuss her EN. When I first found this site, My H was withdrawn. He said he didn't want to meet my needs, didn't want me to meet his. At one time I too was expressing the same concern- how can I meet his needs if he won't tell me what they are? NSR came along and suggested that I look at the general needs for a man. I realized that I can do that, and that I was blaming my H rather than getting to work. It was easy to say I can't do it if he won't tell me what he wants.<BR>I spent some time really thinking about what I know about him and what I know is important to him. What I came up with, amazingly were things that I wasn't too happy with about myself. I started to make some changes. These changes initially were for the marriage, but more importantly, things that I needed to do for me. As long as he was in the fog (still is sometimes), he didn't seem to notice. He didn't comment. It was hard to continue without any reinforcement. I kept reminding myself it was as much for me as for him. As he started coming out of the fog, he started commenting on the changes- he had been noticing all along, just not commenting.<BR>So, anyway, thought you might want to look at the general needs for a woman:<BR>

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whatodo-<BR>I just wanted to let you know that I relate to your statements about you trying to Plan A but your W won't discuss her EN. When I first found this site, My H was withdrawn. He said he didn't want to meet my needs, didn't want me to meet his. At one time I too was expressing the same concern- how can I meet his needs if he won't tell me what they are? NSR came along and suggested that I look at the general needs for a man. I realized that I can do that, and that I was blaming my H rather than getting to work. It was easy to say I can't do it if he won't tell me what he wants.<P>I spent some time really thinking about what I know about him and what I know is important to him. What I came up with, amazingly were things that I wasn't too happy with about myself. I started to make some changes. These changes initially were for the marriage, but more importantly, things that I needed to do for me. As long as he was in the fog (still is sometimes), he didn't seem to notice. He didn't comment. It was hard to continue without any reinforcement. I kept reminding myself it was as much for me as for him. As he started coming out of the fog, he started commenting on the changes- he had been noticing all along, just not commenting.<P>So, anyway, thought you might want to look at the general needs for a woman:<BR> Affection<BR> Conversation<BR> Honesty and Openness<BR> Financial Support<BR> Family Commitment<P>Also, remember to get rid of LB. I know how hard this is is she won't communicate with you. But remember, you know a lot about your W- think about it. You can do a reasonably good Plan A even if she won't help you with it.<P>

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"My problem now is that I am starting to feel a lot of anger and disappointment at her, and am wondering if I really want her. I am currently job training for 5 weeks in a city that is 1200 miles from home, so it is sort of a plan B test drive. My employer is paying for this training which will bring me a six figure income while allowing me to work 8 to 5 and be home with the kids all weekend. The problem is that because of my constant worrying about my problems at home, I'm not fully concentrating on my training, and am therefore not availing myself completely of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I really resent that and I am taking that out on her, at least in my mind. I still treat her right and try not to LB, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep a smile without venting. I really need a release! My incentive to keep it together is our 5 beautiful children, ages 5 to 15, our 11 year marriage and my undying, although now tarnished devotion to her. I recognize my mistakes in all of this, but I have always treated her with the utmost respect, loved her and the children, provided well, and been there for her when times were tough. After 11 years, I still open the car door for her, never miss a birthday, anniversary, or special occasion, praise her unceasingly, and overall, treat her like the lady that I married years ago. The problem is that she doesn't seem to be that same lady. Is all of that terrible? What am I doing wrong? Wouldn't most women kill for the chance to be treated with honor, love, respect, and loyalty? Am I too old fashioned or what?"<P>Speaking from experince, PLEASE ask yourself if you are depressed. It sounds like all of this stress may have caused a chemical imbalance and that you would benefit from medication. If you are chemically depressed, it could help you deal with all of these internal problems--worry, disappointment, grief, poor concentration, etc.<P>It is very hard to see "what you are doing wrong" or to quit doing it when you are depressed.... I had some of these same thoughts/feelings and found that the medication helped me to focus on the present and cope better after my wife left. Talk to a caring MD ASAP! Do this for yourself, your family and your company!!! Do not wait for the situation to get worse. May God bless you and your family.--a fellow struggler<P>

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Thanks again to those of you who have responded. Every entry has been helpful.<P>To MRB:<BR>I think you are absolutely right. I am depressed and have been to afraid to admit that I need to see a professional about it. And also I think it's very likely that because of it, I'm indeed doing things that I wouldn't normally do otherwise. I will take your advice and get help.<BR>Thank you and God bless.

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Catplay,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do I have a bad attitude? Am I hindering our recovery ? or, is all of this prefectly normal and will I ever truly have sincere, loving feelings for my H again?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES. YES. NO.<P>I know this wasn't your thread, but I felt you were really seeking an answer to your many questions.<P>I have just been struggling with these types of questions myself, and I am convinced that time heals nothing. We have to heal ourselves.<P>I've taken a really hard look at myself and where I am. I realized that I am accountable for the state I'm in. I read Phil McGraw's excellent book and have really digested it.<P>I cannot "fix" anyone else, only myself. The worst thing I could possibly do, and I see many on this board doing it, is to stay with h and continue to hold the affair over his head. I have to decide: if I want the marriage I HAVE TO let go of the anger, etc. Give him a fresh start.<P>It sounds like you are like me, many months away from d-day. We are working together to build the marriage we should have had in the first place. And in the process, we are falling in-love again. It's not great all the time, but we've had some real sparks. Recently I felt like time stood still for us. I don't think we ever experienced that, even before the affairs.<P>He was wrong to go outside the marriage, but he was looking for fulfillment. He still is. He will either find it with me, and I with him, or he and I will look elsewhere.<P>If you truly can barely smile at him, how can he not feel distant.<P>Plan A is specifically for WS where the affair is still going on. But I had to WORK at plan A type behavior, giving love when I didn't feel it. I think I did 90% for many months. All the while, it just didn't seem worth it.<P>But now, he is so obviously in love with me, and I am feeling real passion for him again. It was definitely worth it for me.<P>

Joined: Oct 1999
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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Dr. Harley says regarding Plans A & B: <P>"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the wayward spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other. <P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery........"<P>I think Plan B was at lease partially devised so that the damage from the ongoing affair doesn't make recovery impossible. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by wesse (edited August 24, 2000).]


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