Is it a LB to confront a WS when you are positive that they are lying?<P>My H has been lying so consistently, that it is to the point that I feel he lies more than tells the truth any more.<P>When I bring it up, it starts a fight and then major LBing begins.....

My personal experience is that confronting the WS does not work. I gave my H every out. I even kept practically spelling out what he might be wanting to tell me so all he had to do was say yes.<P>The only thing he could say was that he was lying but he couldn't tell me why. He even told me I wouldn't understand him.<P>I guess looking back, since this appears to be a soul mate EA turned PA, what he was trying to tell me is that he was so "in love" with op that losing her woould be like cutting off an appendage, or cutting out his heart or something like that.<P>Anyway, he did finally admit to PA. Says they are together for life. Now all he wants to do is figure out when he can get the kids together with he and she.

I know my H has been lying. I have asked him in a letter to be honest with me - that did not work - he is still lying.<P>A week after he had left I had found out how much and for how long I had been lied to. I told him in a calm, quiet manner that I knew about the lies, for how long I had been lied to and not only by him either. I did not point fingers or place any blame. Just stated that I knew. Then I told him that it made no difference in how I felt. I still loved him and am willing to do whatever it takes to work this through.<P>Of course he continued packing and said he was not coming home. <P>Plan A - Plan A - Plan A<P>I will not give up hope.

Thanks for the reply, Tootrusting! <P>I know about the A, which he does not deny, but it is the daily lies such as about where he's been, has he been with her, etc. that I can hardly handle any more. It's to the point that I know almost instantly when he is lying, and is starting to fabricate some pretty big stories so that they can spend extra time together. He has lied about several business trips---said he was out of town and was really staying with her.<P>The problem is, a lot of them I find out by snooping through his bag, which is a major LB in his book! However, he is so untrustworthy, I can't stop. I even found a picture of OW in a card a few weeks back. That was very good, as she's not the goddess and model that he makes her out to be! Makes me feel better, in a way I guess.<P>Just am not sure where to go with this....

hurtinginil....<P>From what I've read, anything can be LB if your spouse thinks it's an LB. Certainly, being confrontational will be perceived as a personal attack by your H. <P>I'm not sure it necessarily serves a good purpose in a Plan A mode, but if you still feel the need to address an issue with your H, perhaps one way to "confront" him is to start with a sentence that goes something like "It really hurts me when I thought X was happening but I found out you were doing Y". <P>Putting the emphasis on your feelings first and not on your H's acts is the best way to try and keep that fight from starting. Hopefully, you can then keep a rational discussion going with him.<P><p>[This message has been edited by still_trying (edited August 23, 2000).]

When I was faced with H's lies during his EMR I simply said this "I am very aware that you have been lying to me. We don't need to discuss it, I just want you to know that I know" I didn't get more specific than that, said it calmy. Not too much LBing but I wanted him to know he wasn't getting away with anything.

For the past few weeks, I've felt like I was getting honesty from my H. Then last night, I found out that he lied to me. He wanted me to believe that he had not applied for a credit card - in his name only - and that he had called to clarify it with the agency. They sent a letter to our home (which he hasn't lived at for 8 months) after not reaching him at our home # (he has his own that he didn't give them either) and it said they declined his request for a card. I found it in my kitchen trash can. I will not discuss this with him. I will do 2 things from learning about the lie - 1) realize that he his still not able to be 100% honest with me yet 2) remember his body signals and his words as he said "it's all taken care of, don't worry, drop it." I've learned thru observation that this repeats itself when he is not telling the truth - and I will know without going thru the trash or any other potential LBing action (not to mention demening). To bring a lie up in his face would be a big LB and not necessary. I know the truth and know that lieing (sp?) is his problem not mine! Iam4us

I had 3 confrontations total so I am not a big expert. The major confrontation took place in our counselors office. I more or less told him I supported us and our marriage 100% but that we weren't going to go anywhere's in our marriage if he didn't come out and admit the whole thing to me. I also told him that since I knew everything already and wasn't running there wasn't any sense in hiding it but that it was detrimental to our marriage to keep it a secret. He finally admitted to the EA, not the PA until a major confrontation 2 months later. (He admitted to petting one month later and then finally the sex thing but I had caught up with the thing very shortly after the EA went PA so I lucked out ????)<BR>I really believe that they (WS's) are afraid to hurt us truly, though it's hard for them to understand they already did.<BR>But my point is that I did the confrontation in a rather non-love busting way, I was supportive, open, and straightforward. I think it aided him to feel confident enough to admit to the truth.<BR>The other thing is that if your in plan A, I wouldn't even confront him anymore. Do yourself a favor and don't dwell on the BS, just think in the way you want to appear and let go of the rest of the junk. Ok, so you know he was with her, don't even ask him where he was then. It will probably surprise him that you AREN'T asking and he probably will eventually offer excuses for his behavior. Say to him it's ok, he does 't need to tell you where he was, and remember that you don't need to tell him where you were either. Take some time for yourself. Go on a long walk and let him wonder where you are for a change. Then come back and treat him very lovingly, the way you want to treat him and the way you would like to be treated. I will lay odds that he will change a little bit more each day with this attitude. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

My wife is having an EA for more than 6 months. I still do belive it is not physical. Her lies are the main point of struggle. I keep telling her that <BR>the fact that she is lying to me about meeting him is hurting me more<BR>than the very fact of meeting, to no effect.<BR>Few days ago she lied to me again, it was so stupid, she knew I will find<BR>abotu it, yet she could not tell me the true , the fact that she was calling me from his apartment.<BR>I kept it to myself this time, especially that is was obvious for both of us that I know and she know I know and so on....<BR>This time she could not stand this subject hanging in the air. She told me that she is afraid of telling me the true. That she is scared. Not in the sense on my physical anger, but scared of my emotional response.<BR>I am not sure how this help you, but when they are "in the fog" they do lie even if it is obvious that it can only make things worse.

I asked this same kind of question some time ago. My H was making up big involved stories to cover his time away from home at the beginning of his affair, but now he doesn't make excuses. I did all the wrong but normal stuff to begin with, asking ten thousand questions, checking out his clothes, picking through the car, shouting, crying, telling him to get out, you name it. Didn't matter. Now, he stares straight in my eyes and wats for me to ask things, and I can't ask, because he WANTS to leave, and he just needs one more reason to.<BR> I know all I want to know about his affair and his lies, thanks to a keystroke-logger that a friend set up for me. He won't just come out and tell the truth, and I can't force it. I am plan Aing right now, but it just seems to make him feel like he can have her on the side and keep his home here too.<P>So my advice would be to stop trying to force him to tell the truth and for you to get up on the two-inch-wide board with me and pray for good balance.

Cheerleader, our situations sound fairly similar. I'd like to know more of your story so we can help each other out. My email is hurting_mb@hotmail.com, if you are interested.<P>I feel the same way that Plan A is only making my H more comfortable at home so he thinks it's OK to have both. Only time will tell, but I'm right there with ya on that board, praying that neither of us fall off.<P>If you haven't already, check out my other post "very inspirational" It shows the power of prayer.....

Lies are the worst!<P>My H lied and changed his opinion (to a "better" lie) so many times that I am truly confused--to this day. I have learned to accept the fact that I may never know the "truth".<P>At first I did confront H...but he only got defensive and tried to *cover his tracks* by telling more lies. Truly, it was a vicious cycle.<P>IMHO, if you *know* your questions are being answered with lies, then quit questioning. It only makes it more frustrating and difficult to *unravel* the truth when recovery/acceptance begins.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P><p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 24, 2000).]

hurtinginil,<P>It has been a definite LB in my case. But I could not STAND to have the two of them (H and OW) think I was stupid enough to believe their very outrageous and flimsy lies, so I confronted him every couple of months until recently.<P>I agree with your comment about prayer. My H responds a little to Plan A and I am still working on perfecting that, but the greatest progress seems to come with prayer, and especially recently since I have started fasting and praying about once every week or two. (God is really working on me too... I was recently led to throw out everything I was holding onto re. OW - hard copies of their email exchanges, as well as her emails to me, her address, etc. -- what a freeing experience that was! She has no more power over me!)<P>Look forward to reading your "inspirational" post. <P>periwinkle